Today’s sharings are more from my own personal journey, but our journeys are never isolated to just us, since we are part of a collective shared experience. I feel it necessary to allow our vulnerability to be expressed, so that others feel safe to do so as well. Perhaps some of the symbolism of what I share, rings true for some of you or carries a message relative to you. Since I know we are all experiencing so much right now, I will continue to share the inspirations and the learnings from my heart to yours.
I’ve always had a strong connection with animals since I was born – and horses were one of several in particular that I resonated and identified with. They pervaded my life in many ways. I dreamed of them, envisioned them while daydreaming to pass the time for hours on long drives, drew them, wrote about them, watched and read movies about them, intended to have a ranch with horses running free, and even utilized horse images when I went through a “sick” period of my teenage years to get me through the night. Even the color of the horse I would identify with would change over the course of my own personal shifting – sometimes white, then golden chestnut, and finally black. Also the size of the horse became important – loving very large horses and so Friesians ended up becoming my favorite eventually. Each of these elements having symbolism and meaning that I always enjoy being conscious of.
Much of my life I have been operating as a race horse. Continually allowing my horse to be worked harder and harder and pushing her to achieve, do more, keep climbing the mountain, keep turning the cheek, keep rising above the pains, keep rising from the ashes, not letting anyone break me, and taking a while to realize that the horse being worked to do all these things was on autopilot from conditioning of a rider on my back I could not see that I’d been carrying all my life/lives energetically…a rider that not only didn’t belong in the essence of my natural authenticity, but even the idea of having a rider was not one, for a long time, that I was aware I could consciously choose to have or NOT have. If one was to ride the journey with me, why not it be parts of MY authenticity, rather than someone else’s? Why not just integrate my parts and harmoniously be in balance mind, body, heart and soul so that rider and horse become one? No master OVER, but master OF my own life ride. I can choose to experience the ride, loving it from all perspectives of the freedom to creatively and passionately run to my heart’s content while also enjoying the ride and the ability to know and trust that where and what I want to go and experience is in alignment with where my beautiful and powerful horse wants to go. She decides every step of the way with all of her parts integrated. No more struggle, torment, inner voices and battles, no tug-of-war between my parts. Everything flowing in natural harmony, honor, and intuitive divinity with each other.
All of this being very symbolic and all mirroring aspects of me and my journey and personal healing and evolution, as well as was mirroring deep past life connections I had come to understand with the help of Laura Bruno, Medical Intuitive, Soul Reader, Reiki Master Teacher, as having many lives as a horse – in particular many race horse lives. While I am experiencing an integration life (for more on what this means please read Laura Bruno’s very clear and wonderful explanation of this here: http://laurabruno.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/integration-lifetimes-and-human-evolution/ and this is only but one of many potent parts I am integrating. It particularly was standing out with nudges and messages as of late, as I have been leaping over some of the biggest hurdles at this potently culminating time.
During current stresses and shifts I have been processing, the horse symbolism and message came at me again very poignantly. I had a beautiful large jade statue of a wild horse that was sitting on my desk. Our cleaning lady and her son were over and it was a big cleaning day, after just moving into our new house and all the windows needed cleaning. All very disruptive to my day and I felt myself get very stressed with everything being moved around and me trying to work and feeling things just out of my control. Next thing I know my desk was being moved to get behind to the windows there and like in slow motion, my horse toppled to the ground and broke in half. I was devasted to say the least. It was like a soul shock blow. I didn’t know what to do and was so overcome with emotions I had to walk out of the room and into the garage to collect myself. It was not the fact of this “thing” breaking that affected me so traumatically, as much as what it felt symbolically to me to represent. Having it break was like the ending of a certain cycle of life it was time to release, but simultaneoulsy also hurt my sense of how I identified personally and triggered past traumatic experiences.
It took me a while to balance out again – half the day in fact. And I have since come to embrace that this “race horse” is tired…tired of the way of life that cleverly hidden patterns have continued to create an experience of and tired of allowing them to control any aspect of my life, if even just one. The last race this horse runs is one she does for the sheer pleasure she gets from loving to run free and the rewards are her own, as the rider enjoying will purely be an integrated aspect of the horse within me.
Even when we are very conscious and are creating wonderful things in our lives, we can still hit some major bumps and have our moments, as well as have to become even more ever-present to recognize some ingenious ways we may hide or sabotage some key needed pieces to integrate and embrace. We have to learn to stay on top of our lives and learn new ways to more efficiently come into deeper relationship with our essence.
It is time to break free COMPLETELY of the saddle and bridle I’ve allowed to operate and control my life in conscious or subliminally subconscious ways whether from outside of myself or ingeniously from myself in reaction to that – breaking free of every hindrance to my authentic essence. Saying no in the eyes of thoughts, beliefs, feelings, experiences that do not mirror who I truly am and what I know in my heart. Unconditionally and once and for all releasing all conditioned teachings and energies that are confining and limiting and no longer valid for my life, nor the collective at this time. Old structures gone, old hurts and grievances, old manipulative ways and fears released and replaced with unconditional love, freedom of expression, creative abundance, authenticity and integrity, new visionary ideas and beliefs, and vulnerable courage.
Yes, I AM important. Each of us is, regardless of what anyone else tells you or you tell yourself. And even if someone doesn’t honor your importance and even states something specifically in this regard, the best you can do is state and honor your own feelings truly and allow them their own choices in life to shape their experiences. Their choice, while might not feel good at first, needn’t be given the power over you or allowed the prolonged effect we are used to that feeds the emotional diseases we have been nursing. You can choose accordingly how you would like to proceed and continually choose creating in each moment something that DOES feel good and mirrors you. It is their responsibility to look within themselves and to learn from their choices. We do our responsible best by always being authentic and unconditionally loving and compassionate.
This is a very trying time alongside a very magical and awe-inspiring beautiful time. All things culminating at once and it creates temporary confusion, perhaps even the illusion that everything is crumbling and leaving us with a sense of defeat. It seems so odd, when many of us have worked so hard and are experiencing wonderful new things and making huge leaps, to be thrust a windfall of some pretty crazy and heavy stuff simultaneously. This collective healing crises is a healing opportunity unfolding for us to really clarify and solidify everything that we want from here on out, which can only be done by moving through the heaviest things we may not have integrated fully yet, so that we can have our rider and horse come together as ONE. Anything we create from here on out is with full conscious, balanced, grounded, and heart-full intention.
I, myself, have moved into an interesting period of so much coming together and so much coming up and out, all at once. Which is why I have heeded the call to become ever more present and steering away from making rash decisions and challenging my universal heart consciousness to love even more deeply. I hit a crises culminating this Cancer Full Moon of build up causing me to have to make empowered decisions that will shape the next phase of my experience. Part of this also seeing that the work I have been doing and the ways in which I have driven myself must stop, as my body is taxed and soul is tired. I had conversations with myself, the Universe and my dear transitioned Nestor in relaying my surrender, my willingness to do what it takes, and my need for assistance.
Today, after my visit to get tests run for my agenda of taking care of myself on every level, in order to integrate my highest potentials of vibrancy to continue at optimum, I stopped at the post office to mail off a pendant to a client and Nestor (the postal worker) was at post office when I went. A sign, I feel, as I have since Sunday been in mourning and longing for her and can’t say her name without crying and have been in a very tumultuous testing period. Even my naturopath that I visited yesterday asked if I had lost someoone special and I could hardly share without being overcome. I believe she and the universe are listening to my cries of help (as others are doing) and my sharing that I am incapable of doing this any longer in this same vein without more assistance. This also means my taking responsibility for not living and creating in the same vein that I have. This time period calls for drastic changes to what we know as of our experience of life.
Since birth I have felt my place in what is unfolding (as I know many of you have as well) and regardless of what others have said or tried to beat out of me with fear, it is the one thread that never lets me go even when I am at the edge. I received another nudge that likely is another sign from the universe as well that they have heard and are helping. The universe knows I’m not joking that my soul is tired and knows my commitment to this path of service I have been on and I know I am not the only one.
It is a volatile time in the world as we shift into a whole new experience. Many will transition or renegotiate their contracts, as the suffering may be too much to handle or it simply is not what they contracted in to be part of. Others will need to be stronger than ever, as there will be the largest challenges to face and help support that take more than a personal perspective to be part of. Everything is bigger than “just” us, and yet each of us IS an integral and much needed part. The way we can aid this is to be mindful of each other’s sensitivities at this time and to be there with unconditional love and support for one another.
For me this current challenge and healing crises/opportunity is reminiscent of when I was so ill a few years ago without anyone around to help me and I admitted myself to the ER on my own, barely able to stand for more than 10 seconds, and it was a time I needed to surrender to the universe and others to help take care of me and not be the one doing it all myself (which was symbolic of the nurses being so kind and giving me IVs and for me to be able to just lay in a bed being nurtured into health. One can only do so much. And I know I have hit another breaking point again, which heralds great things to come.
A healing crises means time for change is imminent and necessary or that I actually am shifting tremendously since things get the worst before they turn around, while everything surfaces to integrate into the next level. It does not mean one must hit a crises, but it is not the sign of failure or something to judge in any way. It may seem we do things that go unnoticed and that many actually don’t know how much we give out in ways bigger than ourselves (even despite the human outbursts we have of emotional processes). I have pushed hard and I have come far on my own in intrinsically invaluable levels, of which I always remind myself to take stock of and be grateful for. I feel this is a time for receiving, reflecting, recharging, while much is percolating and coming into being from the work we have put into motion. There is more to do, but it will come through different means on all levels. Not the way we are used to, as long as we shift into new and freer ways of being.
I don’t know what the outcome looks like, but I know it will be dramatic and of the highest good what ever it is. Just felt like sharing for what it is worth. It always helps me to communicate things even if no one listens, which is why I often talk to myself. It helps me process and I know there are those who are hearing me and I have learned the value of vulnerability.
I know I’m far from your typical person, what ever that means. But I am who I am and who I am loves who you are – the authentic parts…the essence that I am able to really see, no matter the details people choose to focus on from time to time that divert us from seeing the core (details that are meant for integrating and opportunity for evolving) that aren’t the reality of us and are meaningless in the eyes of universality. They are the parts that keep people divided rather than united. Remember that even when I am challenged at accessing the real me, that core essence I am, always is loving the real you and that is the light that penetrates the darkest hours and illuminates once again. Let the love in your heart take the lead!
The image attached is one I created years ago of a winged horse. I intend to create a new horse painting that will represent this new unbridled energy we are unleashing from within.
Some interesting information on horse wisdom and symbolism:
- Freedom to run free
- Control of the environment
- Awareness of power achieved with true cooperation
- Interspecies communication
- Expanding one’s own potential abilities
- Friendship and Cooperation
- Astral travel
- Guardian of travelers
- Warns of possible danger
- Guide to overcoming obstacles
And here are a couple of cool links to more symbolism: http://tarotreadingpsychic.com/tarot-meanings-symbolism-horse/ and http://www.whats-your-sign.com/horse-symbol-meanings.html