Alone Versus Lonely – The Art of Loving Aloneness


Ashes and Snow by Gregory Colbert

There’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. It’s important that we feel whole when solely with ourselves and through that wholeness, all of life becomes fulfilling and you start to see things differently.

Lonely is a state of mind, not a state of being. It involves longing for companionship, wishing NOT to be alone. Being alone with yourself can be emotionally threatening because it puts you in close contact with the one person you may have the greatest challenges relating with or liking much – yourself. 

When we are alone this is simply the state of being by and with yourself, sitting with all that you are and every emotion, thought, and action that you can feel and perhaps don’t want to feel.

Being alone involves a responsibility to and for yourself, and may present challenges within that framework of understanding and commitment where choices are being made in each moment that can reshape your experiences and life.

And after all, if you experience dissatisfaction or unhappiness with things you are doing and experiencing while you are being alone with yourself, then it becomes clear there is no one else to point fingers at. 

Yet, this isn’t to mean you should start attacking yourself either. It simply means that you are in control of your experiences and the way you want to feel in each moment, and that you can love yourself gently and tenderly through the process, as you have longed and hoped to be loved by others when you were in that state of “loneliness”.

Loneliness and longing is simply the child within you wanting your love, nurturing, support and attention. Provide that, and you will no longer feel the longing.

Feeling lonely is a reaction and focus on all of the lacks you think you have, rather than realizing everything you want is within you and always was readily there, but you bypassed your relationship with self, in order to create relationship with others that ironically mirror the missing connection you have with yourself.

It’s a vicious circle and there may seem no way out of loneliness except to move through it with acceptance and new found realization of what it really represents.

And that’s not to say that connectivity and relating isn’t important, as sharing and meaningful interactions are valuable, natural, and enriching, not to mention important to co-creating community.

The difference becomes that when you learn to love being alone with yourself, you can choose who and when you are with others. This becomes an empowered decision that you can make, if you wish, rather than an unhealthy longing and attachment that is merely trying to fulfill an emptiness you haven’t yet given yourself.

There are many opportunities out there if you desire to be part of a group and relate with others in healthy ways, but there are also advantages and value to learning to being alone at times, which can also prove to be extremely supportive to your growth, balance and well-being, as well as keeping you focused on your dreams without distractions.

You can interact and have meaningful relationships with others, but still be ecstatically alone, in which case you are enjoying the best of both worlds and will lessen the feelings of guilt, resentment, disappointment, and pain because you are not defined by the relationships you have, but rather they are extensions of your healthy relationship with yourself that will long endure after others have potentially left your life.

In the empowered sense of being alone, you realize your freedom to make your own decisions, to grow, and to choose what most supports your happiness and needs in each moment. You become accountable only to you and acting from responsibility that understands integrity will result in all of your relating because of your own personal integrity to who you are.

You will begin to realize that you can take care of yourself and that everything beyond the love you feel for you, is icing on the cake. You will recognize a deeper and limitless well of love you have to give and share with others, without feeling over-extended or depleted. You will also recognize your natural boundaries and learn to speak up for yourself when someone crosses lines with that child within that you are now in loving, close relationship with that understands what is okay and not okay to make her/him feel thriving and whole.

The art of loving aloneness will provide you with understanding how times of solitude are invaluable and where you can discover not only inspiration and listen more deeply to the messages all around and within, but also discover that you are never truly alone. In the stillness of heart you experience, you will enjoy deeper communion with the Universe at large and realize how much presence is in your life in every moment.

Discovering the difference between being alone and loneliness will uncover some very valuable lessons of growth. You discover many unrealistic fears and ideas you’ve been carrying around with you about “being alone”. Don’t judge yourself for this, as it was learned, conditioned, and in many cases created because of experiences you had when you didn’t have the ability to know or think otherwise. You may be on autopilot in terms of something experienced that profoundly affected you and the triggers now are unconscious, even when you know there’s no need to feel the way you do anymore.

This is when it will be beneficial to explore the fears and feelings you have, so you can understand what is at the root of them and how this simply no longer applies, unless you decide it suits you more to continue reacting as such, rather than loving yourself into a new and more responsive experience.

Like with anything, it can sometimes be a bit of a process and will be relative to each person, but you can start taking steps to enjoying that loving alone time with yourself little by little. Perhaps start with a designated period of time each day or each week that you spend with yourself discovering something to enjoy. You can also start making more mindful choices of who you spend your time with so that they are healthy reflections, rather than filling superficial needs.

See how your life starts to change, as you make different choices, spend more quality time with self and carefully chosen others, and no longer fuel longings, nor keeping charging triggers.

When you are in that truly harmonious place inside of yourself you WILL naturally attract others that reflect this. So in fact, security with your aloneness will inevitably draw in connections and relationships, but they will be on a different frequency that will feel more aligned and less charged or draining. And others will come into your space only because you want them to and not out of some unconscious need.

When you relate with others from this more self-fulfilled state of being, you will more readily be able to ascertain what doesn’t feel to match your personal frequency and what may simply be an experience to teach you something and integrate for more growth and understanding, rather than be call for deep involvement.

You will move in and out of experiences without the unhealthy attachments, and see the triggers as gifts to further you into loving dialogue with yourself.

Try not to fall prey to self-destructive thoughts during this process, or any process for that matter. You will NOT be without friends, but if you foster a lot of fear, worry, and anxiety, then that will reflect in what you experience for sure. Belief is powerful! Your state of being is a magnet.

Try to breathe through one moment and day at a time and relax more and more away from ideas and time restraints that simply aren’t founded unless you keep feeding them. You will feel more confident, peaceful, and joyful when you embrace the best friend in the mirror first.

❤ Inspired by two friends ❤

About Tania Marie's Blog

Creating life as a work of art with a magick rabbit by my side. I remember my song. Do you? Artist, Author and Reiki Master Teacher with over 25 years' experience in creative healing arts and metaphysical studies. Tania inspires people globally to return to natural harmony, draw forth imagination to manifest dreams, embody creative empowerment, and live more magickally and abundantly from their most natural frequency – in essence, Tania helps you to remember your song.

Posted on March 4, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Hi, Great article…I find that men have a more difficult time alone presently and when they want their girlfriend/wife/mate with them and she is not…. they do not understand what is written here. I’ve heard them say “what a waste” or she doesn’t know what she is missing…so on…the opposite is actually true and that is why alone time is precious.

  2. Mari Braveheart-Dances

    Thank you my dearest dear. All is as you say. I love being alone, and always have. I am nurtured and nourished by many points you make, as they speak to my heart and support me enormously in my wholing process. How blessed I am to know you and call you sister. Mari

  3. This is a brilliant statement you make: “The difference becomes that when you learn to love being alone with yourself, you can choose who and when you are with others. This becomes an empowered decision that you can make, if you wish, rather than an unhealthy longing and attachment that is merely trying to fulfill an emptiness you haven’t yet given yourself.” Boy, it took some time for me to learn this–so many empty nights out with friends longing to make attachments only to feel like I wasted an evening of being with myself not to mention the money I spent. I’m currently writing about this topic because I am experiencing all the stages of being alone. I love it, it is the greatest adventure I’ve been on thus far in life!

    • thank you so much and for sharing this. i know exactly what you mean, as i have experienced what you described as well. love that you are writing about this topic too! love and hugs along your adventurous journey!! xoox!

  4. Reblogged this on Tania Marie's Blog and commented:

    This post from 3 years ago definitely feels important to share again. Peeking my head out for a quick reblog on the art of loving aloneness, while I’m immersed here in a full experience before leaving on my travels. Much love!

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