I felt guided to recount my last days and what I experienced with my rabbit, Joy, through video share rather than writing a long account. It felt to be a more personal, transparent, and vulnerable way to do so, while also the way of honoring that felt most resonant. While I didn’t share every detail, it is still a long video, and is a way to express what has happened to all who have been asking, wondering, and have shared concern, a way to process more layers of my integration with it, and a way to be of assistance to others that are going through loss, as well as to help understand these natural and yet magickal cycles.
The video was shot in one succession of recount, however due to its size I was cut off during it and had to re-record immediately where I left off, multiple times. Due to that, there may be a couple of words where the videos are threaded together that are lost, but the general message should all be there and I did my best to pick back up and repeat where I left off.
I didn’t know how it would come through, nor prepared for it, so what ever was meant to I believe did.
Here is the video share from my heart:
There are a few things I wanted to add that are beautiful memories for me, which I’ll do so interspersed with some beautiful photo memories of Joy in her last days (which you’ll find at the end) and over time, here below.
I mention in the video that I knew this was coming for Joy, I just didn’t know the exact time until the day of her passing. That morning I knew she was leaving and said that to both Dave and Janet, who was still around at the time. I knew she wouldn’t make it through that day, but there were different scenarios that could play out and I was only concerned with the path of least pain for her and to honor her wishes, so going to any extent was necessary in my mind, which ended up being driving nearly 2 hours to create the alignments necessary.
But a few days before her having more issues and my taking her in for surgery, I had a dream. It was more involved than what I’ll share, but I don’t remember anything more than this.
In the dream she was a giant bunny, the same size as me. It was her, but there were also some elements of Nestor in her. I remember her taking her paws and back legs and wrapping them fully around me, and then me doing the same with my own arms and legs, leaving us in a giant embrace and snuggling one another like a big bear hug – my face immersed in her soft fur.
I felt her immense love in this human-sized hug and when I woke I knew she was wanting to let me know that she appreciated all of my efforts, that she knew I was doing all that I could, that she loved me so much, and for me to know she was preparing to leave.
So, things from there were not surprising and it was definitely no coincidence she chose a cosmic portal and full moon to bridge her journey to the beyond.
To demonstrate Joy’s ever-giving love and devotion to being of service, while she was ill, just before I was able to get her in to have surgery, I wanted to give Dave a Reiki healing attunement for things that he was going through and in the middle of the attunement, Joy hopped over and helped out. She went to his right foot and nosed him, sitting there flowing Reiki to him along with me until I was done. Something Nestor also used to do. I managed to capture a quick photo in the midst of things, as I wanted Dave to see how much she loved him and had been helping out despite her own challenges.
Another beautiful moment was after her surgery when I went in to see her to take her home and she immediately licked my hand to greet me. She is not a licker like Cosmo, as this is a new expression of affection for her of recent, so it was quite touching. Again, I knew she was thanking me for helping to ease her physical pains with the surgery and also sharing her love and happiness to see me.
I mentioned in the video that my friend Christopher, who had joined on my sacred journey to Peru last March for the Equinox, was supportive through the process…synchronously Joy had chosen to transition in Bozeman, Montana where he just so happened to live and so there was divine alignment in his being there for me, as I had been there for him in Peru, which was incredibly beautiful.
Not only was I able to stay at his house, since I had to drive an hour and 45 minutes to get her to the ER there, but he was with me when I received the news, drove me back to say goodbye to her physical body and make arrangements for her ashes, gave me a moss agate healing pendant gift that has been supportive through the process, and then continued to provide his loving friendship and connection during our days in Bozeman, which included an epic hike in honor of Joy and to send out energy to the collective through a crystal grid (more on that in an upcoming post).
I will never forget the last day I had with Joy where I stayed home with her and basically laid on the floor next to her for hours snuggling and petting her, trying to syringe feed, hydrate, and give her meds so she didn’t have pain, and playing music to her while I sang from my heart. I left her for only about 45 minutes to an hour to take a walk on the lake where we were staying, check in on Janet’s dog, Daisy, stay grounded and balanced, and to do a sound channeling, which I shared already called – Preparing the Way.
Music, sound, and singing seemed to be the theme for our last day together, as that continued on the long car ride to the ER, and has been a connective thread to our relationship over all of the years she’s been with me.
I picked up Joy’s ashes when we officially landed in Bozeman, this past Sunday and it was an emotional release again when I brought her ashes to Dave waiting in the car.
He had not been there, as we were apart when she passed, so it was emotionally unleashing for him and we shared some tears and I found myself comforting him, rather than needing the comfort myself due to my integrating the processes that have been leading up to this unfolding.
Synchronously, Joy’s doctor texted me right after I picked up her ashes. He’d called me the night of her passing and now was checking in on me and how I was doing and how Cosmo was with everything, as we had discussed him as well in our hours of talking.
He had even offered help and consulting for Cosmo if ever I needed it. He definitely was going way beyond the call of any duty, as he is truly an angel. He wanted me to continue to keep him posted about Cosmo and told me he thought I was a special soul and beyond any doctor client thing, if ever I was back in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, he would love to meet and connect again, and give me another hug in person. ❤
Just a couple of days before receiving Joy’s ashes we spent an evening having refreshments on Yellowstone River, reminiscing about Joy and reviewing all of her life over sweet and funny photos and videos I have stored on my phone – the only photos I keep on my cell phone are nearly 500 photos of Joy and Cosmo. 🙂
It has definitely been a celebration and honoring of both her life and death, but mostly just about her eternally beautiful, joyous, sweet, and magnanimous soul.
I mentioned in a previous post about the special bottle pendants I had the foresight of getting to house some of the ashes of all three of my bunnies that I would keep – the rest to spread on the Earth where I felt led. Yesterday, on the day I made this video while Cosmo was in surgery, I also transferred Joy’s ashes to her bottle.
I am guided that I will be spreading the rest of both Nestor’s and Joy’s ashes somewhere. The place for Nestor is known and perhaps Joy will be with her, or somewhere else maybe in Montana since she chose this state and I’ve felt Montana was important for a while, not knowing why. I have spread Nestor’s ashes in many sacred places across the globe, but feel the journey is complete and all will come to rest somewhere shortly. The same with Joy’s.
It is time for them to both fully be released.
Joy’s passing to the otherworld is definitely the end of an era in my life and the beginning of a new one.
Here is the sweet way that Joy’s ashes were presented to me in a little flower tin marked “Joy Marie” inside a velvet bag with a card that has wildflower blooms inside of a heart to plant in her honor and quotes about the Rainbow Bridge, along with these:
…love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~Khalil Gibran
Grief never ends…but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of LOVE ❤
I am grateful to have known, cherished, and been present with the depth of love and my love for Joy before separation. Separation simply reiterates its magnitude I will never lose feeling of.
I have experienced the passages of grief, coming to honor and embrace its beauty and significance and I share my vulnerability through those passages, as my testament of that love and trust continuously expanding.
Today being Cosmo’s 10th birthday, I couldn’t not share a blog post update, as I honor and love him so much and his sacred male energy he embodies. It’s amazing how much he mirrors me, right down to having a #3 life path like mom and although he’s in a #4 year starting today and I’m in a #1 year, his being 10 years old mirrors a new cycle and beginning along with mom yet again.
We just celebrated this morning with a turmeric filled raspberry as a birthday cake, of which Joy received her own raspberry to share in the yum.
This is his second birthday we’ve had the opportunity to celebrate with him and already nearing on one and a half years soon of his being a part of the family.
So many blessings he has brought since the first day of his arrival.
I’m grateful for all of the loving thoughts and healing energy that has been shared to help him through all of his physical challenges and the latest one, which is also the reason for this update.
Many of you have asked how he is and so I wanted to share the good news and relief.
I ended up taking him to another vet where we were in our new location of Montrose, as his sneezing hadn’t subsided. He’d finally shown signs of getting better, but then suddenly was having attacks of 30-40 sneezes at a time, which concerned me.
Again, I was so lucky to find a great doctor who knew rabbits and was so kind and took all the time in the world to help.
I’d spoken to the doctor at the previous vet who had given a few routes to go at this point, which the new doctor agreed with upon seeing him.
Cosmo was given a full exam and upon doing so the doctor shared that he looked and felt healthy in all ways. His breathing and heart all sounded good and he didn’t hear any congestion anymore, which the previous doctor had upon first taking him in when this all started. This indicated his pneumonia was gone.
A couple of things came through on examining him though, which weren’t surprises.
One of which was that he’s developing cataracts. I’d just in the last week started noticing his eye coloring shifting from dark black to a bluish white slightly when light hit at center.
Anyway, one eye had a whiter web like area, more than the other, but his eyes are healthy and he isn’t blind at this time. Blindness may be developing, which is just age taking form, so eventually he may go blind like Joy. For now, the doctor said his eye sight would be like if you threw white paint on a glass window.
We decided to take the least invasive approach to look further into any possibilities so that we felt better and that was to do some mild xrays rather than a culture through his nose and throat which he would need to be sedated for.
He showed the xrays to me and he couldn’t find anything in them indicating anything to be concerned about, which would be like white spots in the lungs, etc.
His organs all looked healthy and normal.
The only thing that did show up, which was the second thing that came up in his visit was the bad arthritis in his spine and shoulders, which we already knew he had, but it continues to develop and increase with age.
The doctor suggested adding a form of glucosamine blend he’s had good results with to his Metacam pain relief I give him to also help with inflammation, because it is likely very painful and will increase. I’d noticed his sensitivity along his spine and it again is due to age and his injury, where the bones in the spine split and get jagged, then the growth caps the ends, which fuses the bones. Hard to explain, but for anyone, let alone a fragile rabbit, it’s painful stuff.
But all of this is the normal aging process, but he’s a healthy aging bunny, just like Joy.
After all, they are doing quite well in terms of long lives where rabbits are concerned – him being 10 and Joy 12. The vets always tell me I must be doing something right since they don’t see that that much. 8 – 12 in optimal conditions is their life span, but that doesn’t happen much since rabbits require specific care and diligence. The doctor in Durango told me the longest living bunny he’d seen was 18….so anything is possible.
Anyway, the doctor didn’t feel the need for any concern at this time with the sneezing, as there isn’t indication of anything he can find and since his behavior hasn’t changed and his eating and eliminating is all good and hasn’t changed, then there’s no cause for alarm.
The rabbit’s digestion, GI tract, and eating is the most important aspect to their health.
So he’s thinking it could be that he developed allergies from sensitivities (I’d mentioned that I started to notice that when I put him in his hay to eat he would sneeze right away, then that continued to increase into big sneezing attacks at any time) and that there may have possibly been a defective batch of hay with mold, which happens.
Then, being sensitive, like mom, he was affected and could have developed a mild case of pneumonia from that with his immune system down and inflamed. That would indicate why his week of meds took care of the pneumonia and cleared his lungs, but that he is still sneezing and can get nasal. But he has no discharge from the eyes, nose, or ears, so none of the things like Pasteurella were affecting him.
So, he suggested I do a thorough cleaning of everything – bedding, litter box, get rid of the hay and start a new hay bag, give everything a big spring cleaning and see if it goes away, which could take a couple of weeks.
He said he could give me antibiotics if that makes me feel better, but he didn’t suggest it, as it isn’t the best to give them, and I agreed I’d rather not go that route and see if he just gets over it with the changes.
He hadn’t gotten worse, so that was good. And yet he hadn’t fully gotten better. It was the lingering that I didn’t want to chance since rabbits are so fragile and respiratory things can be fatal.
So I did the big cleaning and that has seemed to have hugely shifted things for him.
I have only heard a tiny sneeze here and there and one sneeze attack, but overall it’s continued to diminish and like the doctor said, it could take a couple of weeks.
Or, he may have developed an allergy in general to hay, which I will monitor, and then other protocol would need to be tried like moistening or steaming his hay a bit to get rid of the dryness. Hopefully that won’t be necessary, as right now he’s doing better, but if I don’t see the sneezing completely dissipate, I’ll definitely try a different brand of hay, then go to more drastic things like the steaming possibility.
Hay is the most important part of the rabbit’s diet, so it can’t be eliminated.
In the interim I had started him back up on his Echinacea and turmeric and adding in the stuff for his joints the doctor gave me. And of course lots of Reiki and love.
I’ll keep you posted on how things evolve.
I feel much better knowing that he got through the pneumonia and that he may just be sensitive like mom with allergies to odd things.
I’ll keep monitoring him and Joy, as I do. I may end up with two blind aging, sensitive bunnies and hopefully they just continue to age gracefully.
I’ve joked, but it’s true….it’s a full time bunny elderly home here. As I’ve mentioned before, it is a total commitment to caring for and making an animal companion part of your family.
What does that look like here?
Every other day changing all the floor bedding with two loads of laundry, litter box and water/goji changing daily, three different feedings a day, meds and holistic things twice a day for both, constant cleaning throughout the day and checking on them, moving Cosmo to his food and water throughout the day and feeding him his cecotropes, bathing and drying him once day, therapy for his legs, and 2-3 checks every night to help get Cosmo to his food, water and feed him his cecotropes.
I do it all with love and no regrets or complaining.
All I desire for both of them is just that…peace as they age normally without major challenges. I often intend and ask that when their time is here that they just fall asleep, but it is not up to us how things will evolve, as nature has its process and there is a natural cycle to all things, as well as purpose soulfully chosen.
That was very clear the day before I took Cosmo to the vet and we experienced both the most magickal time with rabbits out on our hike AND the most traumatizing.
It reiterated that as hard as we try, there just are things and reasons beyond our comprehension that simply are part of those cycles and while we may want to intervene, judge them, and have attachments to desired outcomes, there is divine perfection that will always take place despite all efforts otherwise.
Cosmo’s path is unknown and when and where that leads will never be expected, although can be supported.
Right now is all there is and the choice of how to perceive each moment with fight or unconditional compassion.
This was reflected in our experience that day where we saw the most rabbits ever.
They were not scared, just hanging out, running around playing, and exhibiting such life, joy, and vibrancy. There were even two at once, reminding me of Joy and Cosmo, that were jumping and playing together.
And then on our drive out of the park – Black Canyon of the Gunnison – the opposite of the spectrum took place.
I was looking at something in my lap at the time so I didn’t see anything until after, but our car suddenly swerved like crazy and when I looked up, we were nearly off the road. Apparently a rabbit had run out on the road and Dave tried his hardest to avoid it. I glanced in my rear view mirror of the passenger side and saw it laying in the road. I covered my eyes in tears and felt the pain of the impact, as if it were my own.
Dave drove back to see if there was anything we could do, but it was too late. I couldn’t bring myself to look, as I felt I’d seen it already within that intense feeling that came over me.
It was traumatizing, as I said, for both of us and we drove home in silence after I assured Dave it was not his fault…me with silent tears streaming down, sending the rabbit Reiki for peace and asking Nestor to see it home, while also understanding the mystery that is always divinely unfolding.
I reflected a long time on all of the meanings of this and came up with many messages, including how seeing all of the rabbits and the full circle experience with them mirrored the exact timing of a big commitment to a path and a change implemented directly in connection with this in my life that needed a deeper knowing in order to move forward.
But one of those messages was also just as I shared earlier.
That the nature of things is life and death. There are endings and beginnings to all things and this is the natural law and cycle.
While we can do everything in our power to try to avoid something, there is simply a flow…a dance…of consciousness that knows better.
This sweet rabbit who moved on was helping me/us to reach deeper and work through more acceptance of the inevitable.
All I can do is offer my love and devoted care to seeing that my little ones have all that they could possibly have to help their journey in the way that is theirs to choose.
The rest is out of my hands and as it is meant to be.
I will give my all to make that as harmonious as possible in all ways, including through being there for them, rather than thinking only of my own emotional needs.
They will be able to make those choices more clearly without my interference.
And while that doesn’t mean I won’t have feelings and move through what ever comes up, it does mean that I can release them more freely in a way that celebrates the process of just being and a natural cycle moving through.
Interestingly, last night I had what seems to be a linked dream.
In it, my last parakeet I had while living in Sedona back in my mid twenties came to me.
I haven’t had any messages from her since her passing.
She was pure white with aqua patches at both sides of her cheeks – beautifully unmistakable.
Her name was Iris – from Greek mythology – goddess of the rainbow and messenger of the gods.
And in the my dream she was in fact coming to me with a message from beyond.
She morphed back and forth between her little parakeet form and a large white cockatoo-like bird, which felt like another version of her embodiment when she has been with me in other times.
She showed me a tiny terrarium that had some faery flowers in it and what seemed like ashes of both her and Nestor in it or perhaps just simply their essence – like a sacred mini vessel that was very alive and in this time capsule in the etheric realm that carried their essence eternally.
She then spoke to me telepathically and said something to the effect of, “it’s time to let it all go now” and I knew she was both literally referring to the ashes of Nestor that I have and all that they represent, but also symbolically saying to release all of the limiting versions of life that humans hold.
I woke knowing that there was even greater depth to her appearance and message, much of it rooting in the subconscious, but still integrating.
And I knew that Nestor’s ashes would be leaving me, as I had felt they would except for the little bit in my tiny pendant bottle of emerald green heart chakra glass, for now…almost like that tiny terrarium in the dream.
And yet, at some point it may all go, as like all of life and all consciousness, they are within me/us – no separation and no loss…just eternal being.
Iris came with her message from the beyond, to help me move through another layer of understanding the ancient limitless soul and the true bond that lives on timelessly.
Both she and the rabbit that moved on that day on our drive back from seeing the frolicking rabbits, were helping with this bigger picture I’ve been focused on and that would be key to my writing that has been evolving.
A long way to share this beautiful day of celebration and reverence for Cosmo and all that he embodies.
And yet it is all tied together.
Today I celebrate his life and natural cycles.
I celebrate his strong and loving spirit that keeps him going despite all odds.
I celebrate his eternal being and presence, and the boundless stream of love that runs through us now and always.
I celebrate his soul path and the choices he makes.
I celebrate our union, his bond with Joy, and the love he not only gives all of us, but that he has received like never before because of the journey he’s chosen.
You continue to teach me so much in every way, but especially about living without limits, as although your body is small, fragile, and special, you continue to fulfill your path, greet each day with open arms, make the impossible possible, and give love in unlimited abundance.
No matter where your path leads our hearts will be the bridge.
I love you Cosmo and am grateful your choices included a dance with me.
I will always be right HERE with you.
On April 27th I celebrated the 8th anniversary of my beloved Nestor’s passing and during my time communing with her on our last day in Moab, Utah while hiking to Morning Glory Natural Bridge I asked for a message from her to share with others. This is what came through our connection via message and sound channeling, which was my way of honoring her, as well as sharing the profound wholeness our connection and the experience of physically losing her has gifted me. It’s our hope in some way it will be of support and help you with your own integrative journey through the experience of loss, sadness, and pain.
I first shared this earlier today via my May Newsletter, but given today’s experiences and some messages I received, I felt guided to post it tonight here.
It felt very vulnerable in sharing it and still does, but here it is.
Alan Watts: “I have often puzzled and puzzled, what it must be like, to go to sleep and never wake up. . .”
I love the deep and complex thinking of Alan Watts. Thank you Ann Kreilkamp for this post that feels in line with the collective energy and all the transitions taking place.
Synchronously, I was just talking with my family today, having quite a powerful discussion, as we often do, after their listening to a recent interview I posted from Mark Passio. We ended up also then discussing death and the fears people have around it, although both my family and I have none.
We discussed how a lot of people we knew were currently challenged with a health crises, those that have or are in process of transition, and how this is all connected to the energy of this paradigm playing out right now in a bigger picture way.
Alan’s words are powerful to reflect on.