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In Loss There is Gain – Finding My Way After Losing My Twin Soul

Nestor and Tania

Today is a deeply sacred day to me, as it marks 4 years of my beloved Nestor being freed back to her cosmic expansiveness, as she transitioned out of the physical. I felt called to share my story of her passing, as it holds a lot of healing for me and perhaps may have something in it for someone else out there who has experienced traumatic feelings of loss, confusion, and depression. Some of my story may be a bit out there, but I will share nonetheless, as it is the truth of my heart.

Recently a friend had experienced a similar loss and in my sharing this story to help find meaning in their experience, I felt I was also being nudged to share it in a bigger way for others, as well as for Nestor and I. Interestingly, I was not conscious at the time of this taking place, just a couple of days ago, of how it was coinciding to today’s sacred symbolism. All things are divinely connected.

Nestor and I were connected beyond what people think of as human and animal companion. She is my twin soul. We had this inseparable connection that was magical, telepathic, powerful, and cosmic. She taught me the meaning of unconditional love and to do for love what I would neglect to do out of soul responsibility – so in essence, she always brought me back to my true essence self if I was led astray.

I could share many a story of our magical and beautiful relationship, but the part I wanted to express, for today, is how she transitioned.

Nestor had very expansive energy, much too big for her tiny rabbit body. She basically incarnated in order to be with me and to support me, and me her while she was here, but she wasn’t really in her body all that much, as she was constantly doing work elsewhere…if that makes sense.

I learned through her how to take care of rabbits properly, as she would often have health challenges because of blowing out her energy and my not knowing about rabbit challenges, at that time, that manifest physically was a handicap. So most of how we supported each other was energetically, as only specialized rabbit vets know and understand some of the intricate complexities and fragility of rabbits (and I did not find such a vet until her last vet visit). So the power of our connection and love, coupled with our both being energetic healers, was what got us through those five years together of physical challenges she had and emotional support I needed.

Nestor ended up having a lot of teeth problems that weren’t caught until much later. Long story short, but when she last took ill, I finally found a good vet and they did extensive dental work for her and treated her.

She returned home with me, but was not doing well. Her body was struggling between staying here on this earth or letting go to be in the expansiveness of the cosmic soul she loved to be. She stayed with me up until then, for and because of me and the love we shared, but ultimately she was not of this world and the time would come. This was her time.

I was fortunate to have help through an animal communicator during the last year or so of her life. She helped me through much with Nestor in understanding things that I couldn’t access at the time. Nestor and I had a telepathic connection, but there were times I needed to get clear and direct answers I couldn’t decipher.

Anyway, Nestor came home and was not well and needed to recover. I stayed up all night laying with her on the floor with my hands on her giving her Reiki, talking to her all night, and trying to pull her through. And she did make it to the next morning and through the day. What was odd is I found my “then” husband holding her, which she never let him do.  She had been laying very still most of the day and I had been worried about her even though she made it through the night. I didn’t foresee that she was saying her goodbyes.

The physical trigger was, the vet had given me antibiotics I had to administer by syringe in her mouth and this was a challenge. Nestor was a very free and independent soul. She roamed the house without cage and had a litter box. She did not like to be held and we had an understanding and knowingness. She was always with me though and followed where ever I went and would lay under my easel when I painted and would let me cuddle her on the floor and hold her front paws in my hands, but her back feet needed to remain grounded.

So to give her meds was a challenge. Anytime I had to take her somewhere it was a huge and stressful process and I’d have to chase her down and put a towel over her to get her, but she struggled and I hated that.

Anyway, I did this and gave her her meds, but it was so hard. And not much after, she began convulsing and looking like she was choking, but rabbits don’t throw up. It appeared she was gagging and trying to bring something up and then started running around like crazy and upstairs and choking and gasping for air…I will bare any further details, but needless to say I was at a loss and couldn’t help her. I was calling on the phone but it was late and places were closed and we lived at the lake in Tahoe and nothing was near and I was frantic and then called my parents crying and going crazy. This was going on for what seemed a long period of her in this condition. And suddenly she screamed a horrible sound, which I had never heard. It is a profound cry that pierces the soul. I had read that rabbits never make noise unless in excruciating pain or passing on. She then fell over and I knew she was gone. My then husband tried giving her mouth to mouth, but it was over.

I went insane and I cried  like I’ve never in my life and likely never will again. No death had ever affected me, as I always knew it as a cycle of life and I understood. But this was different. She was my other half and the pain was unbearable.

I later learned that the ominous haunting way I cried, which was like a mourning melody is called “keening” to the celtic wherein the cry sounds have music in them. And it was no wonder, as I have celtic soul pasts that were very profound (ones I’ve done healing integration with in this life) and in which Nestor was connected.

Needless to say, I couldn’t let her go and I felt guilty she had passed at my hand by administering her the meds that she choked on (which is what they discovered with autopsy, that the meds went down the wrong pipe because of her anxiety and stress.) Of course, that is how I saw it then in my grief. And now, I see it from another perspective, although the emotion of that traumatic sound/picture is imprinted within me.

Loss is always challenging when someone is in your heart so deeply. Yet, in time, we can grow from the experiences and create new processes of how to move with greater ease and grace through life by embracing our new perspectives.

Taking gentle nurturing time to honor the natural mourning and healing is important. The last memory may never leave altogether, but the way in which we view/feel it CAN over time. I know for me that it is still there if I think of it, but when I do, the duration of time I feel the emotion is short and I can move through it by embracing that it is normal to feel emotions and allowing them to freely move in and out doesn’t extend, hault or expound their effects.

I was depressed for a long time after her transition, and to this day, even now I cry because it is the most traumatic experience of my life.

However, it is also the most beautiful gift she continued and continues to give me. I likely will never “not” feel that emotion when I think of her, but I came to understand, with new perspective, the realization of the beauty and magic of it all. Even though my human heart will always love her beyond words and be moved by any thoughts of her. The expansive, universal soul heart of me however, does realize the bigger picture and she and I communicate and continue to enjoy a relationship on a whole other level, as we will for eternity.

There usually is a physical trigger in order for a soul to pass at the given time that they have chosen. Given our connection and what I had to learn and how I could assist Nestor, it had to be this way. It was what, on another level, we had chosen, even if my human self could not remember that. The core thing is, the soul knows when it is ready and wants to go and it was her time.

For herself, she needed to and for me, the only way I would move into the life I needed to, was for her not to physically be there. For as long as she was, she was my world. I did end up moving out and divorcing thereafter, which was something that I’d known could be coming and had been working very hard to not have that happen, to no avail. And once Nestor’s loving numbness of her presence left, I was left with the reality I knew I could not live with. I knew what a relationship was and it wasn’t what I had. I knew the life path I had and I wasn’t on it. So I had the strength to leave and to commit to my path ever more so and my work is infused with our Unity of Love.

Now there were two reasons for the passion of my devoted life commitments…One, for myself, as it is the life I came here to live from the authenticity of my heart. And two, out of the reminder of my other half’s (Nestor) ever-loving nudge that always keeps me on point due to the love we share and our oneness of being. She will never let me forget and I love her dearly for that. A true twin soul she is.

The scream Nestor let out as she left her body was both physical pain, as there is a transition the physical body goes through while still Earth-conscious to shift back into Universal consciousness, as well as was a huge scream of sheer joy in that release into her expansive soul form. She was both ecstatic and sad, painless and pain filled – all at once. That is Oneness – the state of All That Is simultaneously in integrative wholeness. It is the experience of duality within their union, simultaneously.

It was important that it happened with me, as she is my other half and for me to assist her desires and not be selfish as to my human needs, was important to realize, so I could move into that Universal consciousness of the collective soul that lies within. She had endlessly supported me and many others to the detriment of her physical body while she was alive, and now I had the chance to give her the greatest gift besides my love.

It was also important for my life path and the work/service I do, that I experience the extremity of pain like this, so that it would help me to get to deeper levels of unconditional compassion and love and it would help me to infuse that depth of feelings into my work/art. I was one who came into this life to experience the fullness of it and that, for me, is to know all levels of feeling so that I could also then learn how to integrate them and move beyond them, while not being attached and realizing the divine perfection within it all. In so doing, I can support others in doing the same.

There is more I could share, but I’d be here for forever and I just wanted to give you a glimpse of my experience, which while traumatic and threw me into depression, also held the most beauty, magic and growth at the same time. I understood that I needed to forgive myself, as she held no ill will towards me, as there was a divine synergy unfolding. I had to come to rejoice in knowing Nestor got her wish and she is now free to do the service she couldn’t fully do in body form, that she loves doing in her expansiveness.

To know one side of the coin of experience, is to create and know the other side, as they both are part of the oneness of life existing hand in hand. We live in a world of duality as humans in physical form, but the essence of Universal consciousness is an integration that combines  the two into something that is both and neither, all at once. It’s not a simple concept to our minds to grasp, but there is divinity within all that we experience.

Nestor is still with me in powerful ways. We still share our love and companionship through continued communication of another kind. She may not be in physical form for me to snuggle with, touch or physically see, but I am now able to experience her in a bigger way. It’s just not the way she “used” to be. But she is more beautiful than ever. And she did bring me the gift of Joy, my new bunny love, whom she channels through. Joy is my beautiful, sweet bunny who is much more connected to the earth than Nestor was, but has access to the otherworlds as a messenger. It is a beautiful soul-ship we all three share. And of course there is Gaia, my beloved and powerful tortoise who also is deeply connected with us all. (Both Joy and Gaia have come into my room, as I write this)

I know that words don’t help when feeling pain, so I share my experience with vulnerability so that it may provide any form of support or message to whom ever may read and need what it expresses. It is best to take your time in healing through any major experience in life and to honor the mourning that is natural. Perhaps you might ask for messages from your beloved, in forms of signs or dreams that you can interpret, so that you may receive the healing you need.

I’ve come to see that many times physical loss, such as soul transitions, takes place at pivotal shifts and deeply transformative times in our lives. There is a web of life and magically supportive gifts within each experience for our perspectives to embrace. And within shifting perspectives, the opportunity for powerful soul growth.

I felt it was important to express this, if even just for myself, as each time I reflect, it brings greater depth to the healing integration.

Thank you for allowing me to share my most vulnerable heart experience.

Thank you Nestor for your endless, unconditional love. I love you eternally, my twin soul.

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