I LOVE this! It speaks so powerfully and to the point so perfectly. Thanks for sharing Laura.
“As I Began to Love Myself”
As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything…
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As the group of us here in Park City, Utah were talking over dinner last night, each of us celebrating what is considered a major, transitional birthday this year (two turning 50 and myself turning 40), were asked about what this year of transition felt to be for us. This actually hadn’t been the first time for me to ponder this, as it’s something I do quite regularly in terms of major transitions that happen in my life. However, this one has a different significance, not connected in the least to that old idea of a “mid-life crisis.”
As I approach (in less than a week) what some consider one of those milestones in life – turning 40 – I have to say that my concept of this takes on a new meaning than what many have thought it to be. For me, it is like a rebirth into the start of the most fulfilling part of this life experience that most directly reflects the collective me.
In general, I actually never think about my age anymore, at least in the sense of what mainstream thought is in regard to it. Age for me is just a marker of time , which in the grand scheme of things is non-existent, for there is only the eternal moment.
I feel as if my life is just beginning, not half over, or whatever it is people believe these days. Every year, month, day, hour, minute, and second always is opportunity to choose differently, consciously, and from love, and to start creating a whole new reality in direct reflection. And the cool thing is, since time does not exist, it never is too late or too early to do so.
However, very early on when I was a little girl, I had this feeling of wanting to speed up “time,” as I intuitively felt my life wouldn’t get rolling until after 40. All I remember wanting was to “grow up” fast and get over all this silliness and superficiality of conditioning that felt so foreign to me. An odd thought for a child so young. Where this came from, I’m not sure, other than an instinct. And at the time I had no concept of mid-life crises connected to a certain age. I just felt this sort of 40-mark would be a positive transition for me of release into expansive living – very different than the sort of dooms day, stressful, fear, or confused place I later learned people would see 40-60 as.
Little did I know at the time (but started to understand) that I was headed for an intense first part of my life, which would preceed this freeing expansiveness that I was seeing ahead.
Interestingly, as I began my personal growth path, studies, explorations, and spiritual evolution, confirmations of this belief through astrology, numerology, my intuitive feelings, and even the very few channeled readings I had from others all started reiterating the same – things would really blossom after 40 and I would experience the fruits of my labor, so to speak.
I didn’t like the feeling of having this constant “work hard” or “future” idea, as I knew how precious, important, and powerful the present moment was. So, while I longed to get through things, I also started to settle into embracing that whatever I was going through, no matter how seemingly challenging or oddly bizarre, was a perfect part of the equation.
There were times of see-sawing back and forth between exasperation and despair, to complete detachment and flow, while I learned the beauty of life in all of its extreme colors and how to create that balance that is all and nothing at once.
And colorful my life has been, but no matter how hard things have ever gotten, there was always this driving force of underlying trust and belief that saw me through. Where that kind of strength came from, I never really understood, other than my knowing there was a bigger picture unfolding of which was a commitment of heart and soul I had made.
Where some people may start to question and explore “the more” in life later, when hitting that shifting point for themselves, I came into life questioning, learning intensely and fast, and exploring, so that later would be my fun and freedom.
It’s not that we ever stop questioning and exploring, nor that intensity is necessary, but my soul had set a course for serious “get ‘er done” focus to begin with so I could move into being of service in the way my soul desired. I didn’t accept what I saw, felt and heard around me, as being the right thing for me. Not everyone is set up the way I was, but I was determined to recapture the essence of me and how that fit in to the bigger picture.
As I grew in years, I constantly found myself sharing with others the fact that I felt this “so called” mid-life crisis was happening for me early on…and that I was living my life in reverse to what was considered “normal.”
For the people who know me, you’re probably saying to yourself, “What’s new Tania?” lol! And yet, while this may be my “normal” to live and do things backwards, it hasn’t always been the common way for others until more recently.
I do a lot of things “backwards” including flip through and read magazines, articles, and books from back to front. With books I’ll then proceed to read front to back, but always start off skimming in reverse as an overview. My pendulum has always worked in reverse to many, as well, in that my yes’s are counter-clockwise and no’s are clock-wise. Despite what others are doing I go by my inner guidance and am drawn, like I was in Bimini, to follow my own compass. For instance, I swam counter-clockwise around The Three Sisters Rocks our group went snorkeling at rather than the clock-wise way the group did, which did prove personally rewarding and revealed the discovery of a shark for the group. When given the choice, I seem to many times be drawn to the reverse way than most people are.
Needless to say, I indeed have led a sort of reverse life, in the sense of how others have. Even to the degree that when I was younger, people always used to think I was older and now the reverse is true (something I believe many are starting to experience more and more of as well). I remember being 13-16 and out with my parents at restaurants and the waiters always bringing another wine or champagne glass for me, without asking, when my parents ordered a drink. And I recall not only the more mature essence that came through in photos and from my eyes – many remarking on it looking as if I’d been through so much, when I was still under 18. I also remember I had such a seriousness, maturity, and focus that was not usual for someone of my age. I learned very early on that I wanted nothing to do with certain things and stayed away from them, even if that meant forging on my own – which basically by the time I was a senior in high school, I was doing just that.
I wanted out of school and on to my life. I knew what was important and valuable and I was determined to bring more of that into my life, some way, some how. I was always reminded of playing by myself in my imaginative, yet very real, world when I was young and the joy I had in that realm.
Although I came in to this life from the onset, much as who I am now (which I believe many of us do) and continue to become, quite rapidly I “aged” in leaps and bounds, became someone foreign to myself, and squeezed a ton of experiences and growth into the first part of my life. While others were going off to 4+ years of college and starting careers and having families, I was re-discovering and unearthing “me” through a wide gammut of intense experiences. I dipped in and out of traditional to unconventional experiences in order to work out all the kinks.
I delved into my spiritual studies and growth while still in high school and continued deeply after quitting my first job. I was an achiever and really driven, so after getting through my schooling and the college thing (both as a 4.0 student)that didn’t feel right to me either (which is why I opted for a 2 year trade school I completed in 18 months), I went on into a job I hated, but excelled at, started feeling miserable and unhealthy, and came to what some might consider that mid-life crisis time where I saw at 22 that enough was enough.
There was more to life and to me. The American dream, my butt…what was Tania’s dream?
I then quit my job and having saved every penny I earned, while living still at home, I took off several years to go into self-study, self-nurturing, and taking care of my health and well-being. At one point, I physically moved to Sedona with my parents and walked away from every person I had ever known in my life to start anew (something I became proficient at). I also spent two years there in Sedona, doing nothing but personal growth and self-counseling on every single thing within my capability to access that I’d experienced up until that point in my life. I left the house only to walk in the nature near and around our home so that I could commune with the energy there.
This continued over the years with trial and error processes and choices that I kept implementing to learn about myself and work through as much as I possibly could, in order to integrate life times of unfinished business, as well as current life conditioning. This to include exploring many different job hats, traveling the world, continuing my personal growth and spiritual evolution, entering and ending marriages, integrating healing crises, working with a spiritual life coach, and continually working towards consistently mirroring my knowingness of myself and my beliefs – all along re-establishing, nurturing, and making safe, the little girl, who once was, to return.
I didn’t care how crazy I must appear to people around me, nor did I find what I was going through to be strange, except by other people’s definitions. Over time, things shifted and where once I used to feel lonely or in need of connection, I learned to replace that with feeling whole within and no longer “needing,” but instead capable of truly sharing.
The journey gets me closer and closer to the essence of me and helps to recapture the naturally visionary, imaginative, creative, healing, and intuitive little girl that I was who communicated with animals and the otherworlds and felt most at home in a reality of my own creation.
Likely, to some, my life will increasingly seem crazy, while to others, magickal…and yet to me, just more, well… me.
Enough said…fast forward to the present.
So while reaching 40 has significance in terms of knowing it is a point where I can really see and experience my life truly becoming all that I knew it could be and will continue to increase in depth and breadth to mirror the evolution I put into practice, it isn’t something I ever feared, worried about, or was scared of. I actually looked forward to “MY reality concept” of what I believed it to be and am now enjoying the integrative seed within me that is sprouting from a newly established foundation I have laid after destructing (like the Tower card in Tarot) the old one. (Remember, you can’t newly build anything of lasting quality on an old foundation)
I never feared death in my life, I never feared menopause, and I never once thought that anything would be taken away as I grew in age. In caring for myself from the inside out, shifting my beliefs and actions into alignment with authenticity, living a healthy life fostered by my joy and natural innateness, learning not to fear being different or leading an unconventional life doing “odd” things that could be judged harshly, I only kept and keep experiencing more and more magick.
For me, it has always been a process of growing younger, while I come back into the essence of me. Turning 40 was definitely not about a period of needing to figure out “what’s next?” after unauthentic realities crumble. Nor was it about starting from scratch into discovering myself now, or that my life was on a slow spiral downwards from here.
What it IS now is this joy of creating from my heart more freely and authentically and understanding I have the tools, know the process, and am present with the moment of now, not needing to worry about the past or the future – which is why I don’t have visions of the “what’s to come” anymore, or stay away from trying to see that – and live as if today is all there is.
I don’t, and never did, understand the concept of “retirement” because everything I am and that I do, is something I love and is natural to me (and if it isn’t I will move to where the moment guides my heart) and will be doing until I’ve decided my time here is fulfilled and the day comes that I no longer walk this Earth. And yet even then, I would still be involved in the same essence of what I am expressing and sharing now, but just in an eternal, non-physical form way.
I’ve never felt more alive, more myself, and more aligned. And I know it only continues to increase in depth and breadth, which is the real joy. Every day is such a surprise to discover it actually DOES get better and more exciting. We are shifting concepts of what used to be, to what now is, based on our unlimited creative potentials.
When times were bleak and intense, the only thing that brought me back into body was the return to trust in what has always resided in my heart, even if it gets clouded momentarily – love always wins.
Turning 40 means nothing to me in the sense of the number, as I feel simultaneously like the three year old me I once was, infused with this ancient me I have always been. 40, or any other number, is just a chronological way to calendar our Earthly years in this physical form and in this life, but by no means has any correlation to the timelessness of our souls. I have lived life times this life and consciously am accessing so much more than what appears. When you learn to recognize, honor, and tap into the vitality and purity, as well as expansiveness and wisdom you have available, you begin to transcend all limitations and definitions, and start to harness your luminous being self.
People are growing younger by the minute, the more they learn to live in the joy of their fullness and with value, honor, and love for the integration of soul and body they are. We are here to experience the spectrum of what life has to offer and infuse the love in our hearts into every infinite reality of our creation.
So, while age has no bearing, for me it is simply a celebration of my visions and commitments coming to fruition, experiencing my joys and service meld and integrate more deeply into harmony, and realizing the creative power I (we) have available to manifest unlimited beauty for the collective, as a Child of the Law of One.
As February 26th rolls around, I won’t be celebrating my turning 40 years old, but WILL be celebrating the return to innocence of feeling more myself than ever before, and knowing I’ll be more myself with each new beginning moment.
I may have another 40, 100, 200 years… or maybe even just 40 more days or minutes more in this body and in this particular life. In any case that it may be, I have no fear for how that unfolds, nor any attachments, as I know I am giving all of my heart to every moment, free of will and full of joy.
The little three year young, 40 year old, and eternal me are one and the same.