Since the collective field of experience is currently one of intense transition, which may include both challenges and liberating experiences from moving through those challenges, I felt I would reshare about some of my greatest challenges in life.
If you missed Annabel Ruffell’s interview with me: Written Interview with Tania Marie you may not have read my answer to her question, “What has been one of your greatest challenges over the years, either with the work that you do or in another area of your life, and how did you overcome it?”
When I looked back through my life to answer this question, I saw the many really rough paths I went down and all the colored and intense choices I made. So I likely could have shared a long list of challenges along with an entertaining tell-all, lol, but I felt to focus on the ones that enveloped a large umbrella of experiences for me and that had big impact on my life, then and now.
So today, as I was tuning in, it came to me to elaborate a bit on my answer I gave for the interview (including the answer itself and some additional insights) since I had to keep things condensed for that piece.
I feel that people often don’t think that others go through challenges, who seem to have things together now. I know that people can’t believe it when I share in workshops some of what I’ve been through in my life and some of the experiences I have under my belt.
We all go through our own personal “stuff”, but ultimately it’s only in how that individually translates into personal experience that is different, as the underlying challenges are shared by many. And if it wasn’t a challenge in this life for you, it may have been in a previous. 😉
So it is very untrue to think that you are all alone in experiencing challenges, as the reason things get to a more balanced place for some people is due to having embraced the full journey of the challenges and learning a process of how to shift that into a new and more freeing experience. And as they do this, this ability becomes available more readily to others since we are all connected.
This journey of learning new processes and consistently and constantly keeping check on yourself to work with the energies, delve deeper when needed, and utilize what you’ve learned about yourself to rebalance when you get “off”, is a continual life experience. It just gets easier and more fun because you learn the magickal little tricks to transmute things.
Anyway, I’d like to share a little more of my answer to the questions about these three particular challenges in my life to reiterate how we all go through this and no matter where I might stand now, I can tell you from the depths of my heart, I didn’t know if I’d physically, let alone mentally or emotionally, make it to this point. But, having gone through the darkest hours, I know anything is possible and although I laugh now at things, it was far from laughable then.
Since this isn’t a book, I won’t go into details on everything or how these challenges, or others, translated into specific experiences, but I just wanted to bring this realization of the ability we have to move through the intense times in our lives by resharing this.
Yes, no matter how “bad”, “heavy”, or “thick” your experience feels, you DO have the ability to move through it and experience greater freedom and lightness. Shifting your perspective on the challenge can do you a world of support, as I promise you the alchemy lies within your recognition of the gift within each and every experience you come to judge. There is a latent beauty awaiting your acknowledgment.
The challenges are what make the journey so enriching and the present so dear and deserving of gratitude.
So here is my expanded answer to the question, “What has been one of your greatest challenges over the years, either with the work that you do or in another area of your life, and how did you overcome it?”
It is challenging to pick just one, as a few come to mind – vulnerability, creating boundaries, and voicing my truth (fear of speaking). And yet they are all tied together I feel.
The boundless nature that created overburdened and confusing experiences made it tough to hear the voice within, let alone to express it openly to others, or even be able to say an empowered “yes” or “no”, as personal discernment was clouded.
The learned fear of appearing weak and affected by things emotionally (which was confused also by over-stimulation I hid from in order to survive the incredibly taxing emotional drain) created a need for a mask and worry about someone discovering my truth.
The fear of speaking resulted in a learned behavior from things around me (as well as was soul “history” connected) that made me think/believe that when someone voiced truth they were punished, denied, quieted, dismissed, or ridiculed. Hence, the fears I carried for a long time.
I remember being free of all of these when I was a very young child. I had no qualms about expressing myself in front of others in any creatively expressive way. Be it singing, dancing, performing, sharing about something I loved, make-believe…I was also very in touch with my feelings and bringing that through me expressively. I didn’t need a sense of boundaries, as I was simply being me naturally as Source expression.
I’ve always believed that when we choose to embody into a human vehicle of expression, the denser experience of this reality both offers us the gifts we chose to come in to be able to experience, as well as the perfect challenges that will provide the evolutionary journey of free will to unravel. The development of fears, suppression of truth and creative self-expression, denial of free will, and illusionary veils, all cloud those seeded impulses. I remember as a very young child, between birth and 5 years of age, embodying the expression of my soul clearly – I believe we all in some way demonstrate this from onset.
The elements that I now embrace and channel as my joy and service in one, weave the very same essences I had demonstrated then.
However, as creative beings we are unlimited in the ways we can choose to bring forth these expressions and, in effect, unlimited in how we will travel the journey in order to do so. And what I find is that the more we open to ourselves and dig deep into the well of shadows and fears, the more our creativity and heart expand, as well as our latent gifts become integrated and actualized.
Yet, this all rapidly, almost overnight, shifted after the age of 5. I remember hiding my emotions and creating a tough outer shell, but then cowering in a dark corner on my own, or in the shower to cry. I felt the need to appear strong and somehow correlated feeling-expression, especially crying, with being weak. So, I never showed it.
The irony was that in fact I felt SO VERY deeply, and these feelings that I would not express outwardly, wreaked havoc inwardly causing not only physical issues, but outer triggers. Hence, they were reflected in every relationship I experienced where I could have these suppressed feelings triggered into conscious awareness. And they were worked out in very heavy and tormenting dream time as well.
Much, much later I came to see how that suppression of emotional expression had been cultivated in me, accepted into my experience by seeing examples around me, as well as became the only way I knew how to protect the very vulnerable beauty that would ultimately liberate me later. Yet, in the meantime I grew out of my natural expression and built a tough outer skin to my heart.
I also became very confused as to what was me and what wasn’t, as being a Pisces we don’t know boundaries. This hadn’t been a problem when a child because my natural essence was speaking clearly. However, life throws us a lot of loud noises that soon may start to overshadow our truth if we don’t have the support to keep cultivating authenticity, don’t have examples of it around us, and simply don’t understand enough yet. And being intuitively sensitive, it was as if I was an emotional and psychic sponge, not only accumulating everyone else’s feelings (both expressed and unexpressed), but their thoughts and beliefs as well. I literally had no idea anymore of who “I” was and what were “my” thoughts.
You can imagine how overbearing this might one day become and indeed it did – to the point of causing a tormented war inside of my head of voices and confusion that likely would have seen me in a psychiatric ward or on prescription drugs, if I hadn’t had the ability to creatively manage it and the willingness to accept every part of experiencing it in full so that I could come to understand myself and my uniqueness.
I faced feeling EVERYTHING without the mask of alcohol, drugs, or any mind-altering substances. I just knew the way through it for me, was to FEEL it ALL and come to realize the natural process of how to move the energy on my own. And this remains my process and my personal choices to not utilize anything to take me outside of myself.
And I went through this for years, which seemed never-ending. The processes available now are much quicker and efficient because of the willingness, determination, and commitment I rekindled each time I came to my point of complete destruction and surrender.
We all have the potential and ability now to move through things in accelerated fashion, to mirror accelerated times, and to reflect the work a collective has invested in commitment to this process.
I remember friends in high school who said to me, “I wish I could be you for just one day”. And those words struck a deep chord in me bringing my reply to them, “Don’t ever wish to walk in someone else’s shoes, as you have no idea what they are really experiencing”.
And I believe that this, along with my own desire to be more natural and authentic, has driven me to live consistently and transparently from the inside out, without the masks and without illusions. “Walking the walk” is so important to me and to truly be “living” the reality of my experience to the best of my ability in each moment and in all ways.
In the meantime, back to the challenges I faced, I also learned a fear of speaking my truth or sharing that openly with others, as well as feared making a mistake in front of others, feeling what I said had to be some idea of “perfect,” what ever that meant.
And the greatest feat of all was that I was able to hide it (and everything really) from everyone.
I used to try to hide the fullness of my unique expression and the magickal side of me, although in some ways it just seeped out nonetheless. But now, I am no longer afraid of the light and power within, nor to express my truth of how that channels through me. But I also take great care in exercising responsibility and discernment.
So, regardless of being petrified to the core of giving a speech, being called upon in class, standing out, or even talking in front of a small group of people I knew, you wouldn’t have known it because I learned how to perform in the moment of need, or to create my way out of things, since I did still have those latent abilities.
It was not an easy task, as it took everything in me to do so, but it also took a lot to undo these.
Yet it wasn’t natural, and natural is what I strive for.
I have always had a very committed soul sense of knowing I had something here I was to do, even if I didn’t connect yet with what that was. And although I meandered along my path in varying directions, it was this inner knowing and commitment in me, that was ready to go to all lengths to integrate the why’s of my tormented experience.
The process to move the energy of these challenges was a conscious commitment, from early on (in high school), to a personal growth mission focused on becoming more natural. This involved a lot of courage and tears, very painful challenges, a willingness to keep experiencing the results of choices out loud to those around me that could judge and did, a lot of personal work and willingness to stand on my own, raw honesty and deep introspection, integrating reflections, and constant belief and trust in what I knew was possible.
The vulnerability came much more easily, as the more I opened to a deeper sense of life and spirituality, the more my experience of life became the type of beauty that could not be contained because the purity of the natural pierced and burned through the veils.
The boundaries took a bit longer because of the personal discernment and empowerment needed to listen through the “noise” for my voice AND due to the teachings, one discovers on a spiritual journey, that Oneness is the focus. So, I remembered that this is simply something to reawaken and integrate into conscious daily actions, but without losing my unique individuation. I believe we came here to experience through the personal expressions of creative energy that are unique to us each. Otherwise, we would not need different human bodies. So to honor that unique human temple that we each are and understand ourselves within the framework of Oneness, so that we can fully learn and experience the particular expression and mission we each chose this time around, is important.
As for the fear of speaking, I came to believe that our greatest fear is simultaneously our greatest gift when integrated. So being that I teach, one would not think this to have been a fear, or that I don’t constantly challenge myself to even bigger things within this realm. Yet, it was.
The way through it, was to “go through it”, allowing the vulnerability to work itself out through action. No amount of “to yourself” time engaged in personal work will really prepare you in the way that actually doing something will, although provides the basis for integration. I spent years on personal work, but it was in the actual “doing” that I made the huge leaps in shifting my challenges.
And taking it in small steps is perfectly fine, not to mention, will move the energy. I find that the hardest part of change is the first step. The rest after that becomes easier.
So, on my own terms, in the step that felt acceptable yet still challenging enough, was how I began. And what I discovered is that when I just said yes, without the need to know how, the way was experienced. I was shown the importance of self acceptance and the value of what I had to impart as a unique being, without judgment or comparison. This would speak for itself in allowing remembrance to be my guide.
The Universe supported me by also making sure I would do it without my programmed, old ways I used to do things when I had the fear and was forced to speak. Rather than allow me time to prepare, memorize, force-feed achievement-needs and performance expectations, I was meant to trust in the simplicity of acceptance of self and the value of what I had to impart as a unique being. Trust in knowing I had what I needed, I’d be guided in the moment, and since I’m speaking about the things I love, align with my truth, and have spent my life devoted to and believe in, the passion of that truth will speak for itself.
I only ask before each time I speak, that I have the perfect words in the moment. Then I breathe and relax into the presence of the moment with all of my senses, and allow what wants to come forth to move through me – focusing only on the moment and not worrying about what comes next. By narrowing my experience to the fullness of the now, rather than expanding outward and forward to try and foresee or control something coming, I am able to relax into full and peaceful presence.
I also am known to speak while holding a specially chosen crystal friend in my hand, which is my creative way to energetically support me to authentically access what is needed with clarity of heart and mind connection.
The rest is the beautiful process of the journey and continually I get to learn in each moment how to take things to the next level, by embracing the next challenge.
I have found that the commitment to being in the role of someone who imparts personal authenticity of experience and perspective to others, is a commitment to vulnerably speaking my processes out loud, realizing the individual expression that I am, and embracing being okay with learning in the moment, in front of others – vulnerability, creating boundaries, and voicing personal truth.
This has been the most enriching way to move the energy of the fear through me by coming to learn who I am more naturally, without all of the “noise”, and to support greater flow of that expression to freely move through.
You can read the full interview, along with my answers about the journey that I am on, how creativity enhances your life, how to transform limiting beliefs and fears, and my visions for humanity and the Earth here:
This was such an important blog to me when I first wrote it and a very powerful tool for processing fear that I continue to practice mindfully with amazing results. It was one that people messaged me a lot about, thanking me for helping them as well. And since I am away skiing right now, and today was my first time back since last winter, I was reminded of what I learned and was able to continue putting it to practice today – my first day back. I’m pleased to say that not only did I do amazingly, right off the bat (at least for me), but when we accidentally went the “wrong” way (ending up exactly in the “right” place I needed to see how far I had come) and ended up on a very difficult Blue run with mounds/moguls, I was able to face it with confidence and trust, whereas in the past I would have been frozen with fear and likely started crying – perhaps even needing to walk down it instead. And the rest of the day I increasingly demonstrated this fear process had become second nature for me and no longer did fear control me. I was now in the driver’s seat and knew I was equipped with the tools to support myself through anything. Feeling really proud of myself and the way I ventured out and said “yes” to things I wouldn’t have been able to in the past. The reason this is so meaningful is that I don’t see it as isolated to skiing, but really tells a story of how much I am expanding and embracing the next level of things in my life that at one time would have been unheard of. I know I can trust in myself to always have the ability to move through the next challenges of growth that I am choosing to embrace. And that makes all the difference.
A lot of new energy and experiences came away from my time this last week in Reno and Lake Tahoe. Some things are still percolating as to how they will manifest, some things still need my focus to receive full clarity, and others have already kicked into motion. I love how every moment continually creates anew and is opportunity to embrace the flow of that.
Having come to realize over time that the magick lies within my own capabilities and understanding in order to learn the intricacies of self-transformation, I constantly engage myself to be more and more conscious of my individual processes and triggers. In being more present and mindful, there is the opportunity for a bit of self-alchemy. You can become just as masterful in your abilities to transform anything in your life, as you have been masterfully agreeing to allow things to transform you, up…
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A lot of new energy and experiences came away from my time this last week in Reno and Lake Tahoe. Some things are still percolating as to how they will manifest, some things still need my focus to receive full clarity, and others have already kicked into motion. I love how every moment continually creates anew and is opportunity to embrace the flow of that.
Having come to realize over time that the magick lies within my own capabilities and understanding in order to learn the intricacies of self-transformation, I constantly engage myself to be more and more conscious of my individual processes and triggers. In being more present and mindful, there is the opportunity for a bit of self-alchemy. You can become just as masterful in your abilities to transform anything in your life, as you have been masterfully agreeing to allow things to transform you, up until now.
The more you practice the discipline of being lovingly in the moment with yourself, having curiosity, and are gently willing to be vulnerably honest, this can assist you in discovering the roots of your fears and the keys to transforming them. You can start to walk yourself through repatterning in steps and timing that feels natural and safe for you, and in ways that will produce the most beneficial results for you in mirror to that. If this is a challenge to do on your own, there are many tools and support systems that can assist you in uncovering these innate gifts that lead you back to your empowerment.
I’ve been practicing how to retrain myself into being my most natural me. Sounds kind of ironic and silly that we actually have to relearn how to be ourselves, but it’s not too hard to understand how little babies and children that receive teaching and support in certain ways, or in lack of certain ways, will undoubtedly become some sort of product of those upbringings. Things get compounded over time with societal influences, etc. and before you know it, the real you gets lost. Yet, this is all part of the beautiful story of you and what is gained from the soul growth opportunities that these experiences provide.
The good news is that what is lost can always be found. The right circumstances and supportive energy will help it to reveal itself.
What I’ve learned is how to become quicker at spotting my processes and how to modify my approach to myself depending on the magnitude of the fear and/or timing in my life. Some times I am able to flip a switch, remove all safety nets, and just provide no out for myself, but to move forward, and this works beautifully. BUT, it doesn’t always work with all things in my life and I’ve been honing in on when some fears need a more methodical, gentle, and consistent repatterning to make it a more natural process again.
Switch-flipping isn’t for everyone, nor should it be, and sometimes if you scare yourself into something too soon, or if the reprogramming doesn’t go to the core, it can pop again so that you can make sure the new foundation is strong and will hold what you’re building long term.
The beauty is, fear doesn’t need to be fearful to process and while consistency and devotion to your personal cause is essential, the work can be loving, gentle, rewarding, easier, and less painful. When you realize that you aren’t at the mercy of anything, decide that fears no longer are going to keep you from the natural, loving soul that you are, and give yourself permission to love yourself back into wholeness, you can consciously take the steps forward into transforming those fears into empowering experiences.
This last week while I was away visiting my family and spending recharging time in nature in Lake Tahoe, the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and Reno, I had the opportunity to face one of my fears that is deeply rooted far past the surface of what it looks like (more than what I can share in this post). I was able to put into action, processes I had learned, and learned new processes at the same time, that were supportive of my particular challenge.
The fear stemmed around skiing and yet the root was several layered. About 5 1/2 years ago, while married to my now ex-husband, I took up skiing for the first time. Skiing was his favorite sport and wanting to share in that, plus having a love for the snow and nature, combined with my usually natural sporting abilities, it seemed like the time to learn. My usual processes with things were to attack them fully, push, and go for it. I had always been an achiever and pushed myself beyond human limitations – and had a knack in past lives to continually drive myself, or let myself be driven in order to perform.
It wasn’t hard to imagine that with all of this I would likely hit a breaking point in this new venture.
I took only a one hour private lesson in Vermont and directly after, skied the beginner run only a few times and was whisked off to advanced runs immediately at the encouragement and promptings of my ex, ex’s younger nephews and family. They were so excited to have me skiing with them, and me to also please and prove my ability, and since I hadn’t allowed any fears to surface, along with not knowing what to expect, I just went with it. They said I was a natural and I actually did think I did do good for someone never having skiied before, and based on what was being conveyed with all the positive words of encouragement. Without having anything to compare it to or what to expect, I just accepted the advanced runs, the falls, and looked past or pushed down any fear that came up. (But truth be known, deep down I was frightened out of my wits each time I saw those steep slopes and went speeding out of control)
I then went on to ski at Sun Valley, Idaho doing amazingly well in my ability to perform when need be, and again receiving lots of encouragement this time from people outside of the family and even from couples where husbands and boyfriends were teaching their partners – having them watch me as to how to approach their own skiing and fears of the steep slopes. So I thought I must be doing well. However, I actually only likely skied about a total of maybe 6 -8 times. And it was the last time at Mt. Rose above Lake Tahoe, that did me in for the next 5 1/2 years.
I’d been only skiing more advanced runs, but this time when we went directly there, it was a completely new experience – but more the mirror reality of what I hadn’t dealt with. The other times I had not let fear be shown or to stop me. I DID love being in the snow, it WAS fun to flow down the mountain, and there WAS a magick in the whole process. These along with the encouragements and promptings, as well as my “achiever” and performance mentality, made it easy to not deal with the fear or my natural ways and desires.
Needless to say, I got to the top and everything kept going wrong. I had no control of my legs, feet, nor my emotions. And nor should I. My breaking point in life was hit on this one and I created a situation to get my attention to do something about it.
I kept falling, crashing, straining and hurting parts of myself, and I intuitionally knew, “Tania, if you push this, the worst IS going to happen.” Suddenly something came over me and I embraced this knowingness, acknowledged enough was enough, let go of all the emotions that swelled inside, and I burst out into uncontrollable shaking (which happens when I have a major transformational shift take place sort of like a kundalini experience) and tears, as I sat myself down at the top of the mountain and said,
“I will NOT do this and it’s OK.”
Previous to this display, my ex-husband had lovingly tried to help direct me back on path and steer me into doing things to get my skiing back on point, as well as encouraging me I could do it. Nothing worked, as once I hit that breaking point and everything suppressed was released, there was no getting “back on track,” what ever that means. Yet, the minute he saw me crying, sitting down, and stating what I did, knowing me, he knew I meant what I said and supported my decision. I then took off my skis, handed them to my ex-husband, and shimmied down the whole rest of the steep mountain slope on my butt, as I refused to get up and try anything further. I confidently did so without embarrassment, even when everyone stopped to ask if something was wrong. I just didn’t care, as my well-being was top priority from that moment forward.
At the point, I felt a huge release that freed me from the saddle and bridle I’d been wearing and being directed by for SO long and I didn’t ski again due to this realization and scarring fear, until this last week, 5 1/2 or so years later.
In the meantime, I of course have processed through many a fear, small and large, and continue to consistently put into practice what I learn of my unique self in terms of fears 🙂 and how to best support their transformation into the innately powerful gifts that lie beneath. I have come to see that the things I fear the most, or the root of the fears, and the things that bring me greatest challenge, actually are the things I excel at, hold the core foundations for powerful and productive experiences, and/or naturally (if left to my own defenses) are things I love and are part of my path to share. They just need to be translated and molded back (by me) and channeled into the mirroring form of who I am naturally and uniquely.
Fear and Love are flip sides of the same coin and when you master the alchemy of understanding and integrating this, you have yourself a powerful tool with the ability to empower challenges that presents themselves.
There is of course more to this, but when you come to understand the foundations of things, the details kind of naturally take shape with continued and mindful practice.
Needless to say, when I returned to the mountain to ski, there was some trepidation (having not put to practice specifically in terms of skiing, the things I had learned). However, I was committed to honor myself in any given moment, above all else. And that made the difference in knowing I was here to back myself up and support “me.” Nothing else was going to dictate or control the experiences.
When the vulnerable parts of you feel safe and can trust you will be there for them, they are able to reveal themselves and take more risks because they know you will not abuse them anymore.
I decided I would start from scratch and as if I’d never skied. I embraced being a complete beginner and the fact that I was “ok” if that was all I might ever be. There was nothing to prove, nothing to achieve, and nothing to push myself towards. I was there to be one with the mountain and myself and to experience my mindful practice of repatterning my fear.
It was decided that I would take a 4 hour lesson and then see where I was at after that. This was a great move, as I ended up in a private lesson, even though only paid for a group one (everyone else was matched with other instructors), and I got the best lesson and very conscious and gentle instructor that far exceeded anything I’d been told previously. Timing and readiness created a perfectly supportive situation. (Thank you to Alan at Alpine Meadows for such a great experience and for being such a great instructor – highly recommend)
I shared all of my feelings with my instructor and he took me through things step by step. Being someone that learns by watching and following by example, he shared that I was an ideal student. And so things went very well, he was very impressed and happy with how I was doing, but most importantly I was enjoying the process.
After lunch however, I got struck again, but I knew it was merely a testing point to see if I’d really learned.
My instructor took me up one notch to a little more intermediate run and suddenly things went awry. I started experiencing all the same things of nothing going right, falling, and fear taking over in the process. I knew that was it. I could tell he noticed this right away too so when I said to him at that point, “I have hit my limit of how much I want to push today and I feel that returning to the other slopes would aid my process of learning and establishing a foundation of comfort and trust that will better support my skiing abilities, but most of all my enjoyment of it,” he was completely tuned in on the same channel and instinctively knew what to do to support me getting down the rest of the way.
(Fun REALLY is what everything is about right? Well, it should be, if it isn’t. 😉 )
Anyway, he agreed and was happy to see me acknowledging myself and knew just as I did that pushing was NOT the right thing for me. At that point, rather than shimmy down on my butt again, he skied backwards while I held both of our poles, and he directed my skis with his hands to help get me down the mountain safely while still learning. This was really great of him and actually helped me be conscious of how to process some of the fear.
What I found is that when I only looked directly in front of me (as I had to do while looking at just him, my skis and listening to his directions), not way out ahead, I was able to be more present in the moment and only work with what was right there in front, rather than trying to let my mind wrap around all of the stimuli AND the steep angle of the slope. Since my mind can process a ton at once and is multi-faceted, it needs in a case like “fear” to be very single-minded, present, and focused only in the immediate, otherwise anxiety, stress, or fear can take place. I’d understood this before in other things I helped myself work through like stress, but to have it actually visually and physically put into action, and not just mentally and emotionally experiencing it, really drove the concept home. I am one that likes to process and experience on all levels, as it helps me learn the best. What a find!
I returned to the less challenging slopes and things went good again. I had learned a lot of pointers from him in the physical sense, but also had fully honored myself, and in mirror he honored me. I accepted that the only goal was to enjoy myself in the way that felt good to me and to create a new foundational experience of comfort, support, and joy by gently teaching myself to experience this in a way natural to “me.” Not to what anyone else was doing, or some ideal I had to reach.
So, by the next day, I was ready to ski again AND for the first time ever, I skied alone. I stuck to the runs that felt right to me and just kept repeating them over and over in order to really connect with myself, put to practice my processes, and to continue to create that comfortability and trust – which all equated to pure joy and having fun! I really enjoyed skiing now for reasons real to me and without compare to what anyone else was doing or how they chose to approach their skiing. I had no need to do anything other than be with where I was at in the moment.
And when ever something felt to be out of control or fear started to kick in if I went too fast or something was more steep, I gently inner dialogued with myself reminding myself the things my instructor taught me that helped me to focus and repattern old waves of thoughts. This helped keep me supported with a guiding voice to instantly reprogram the fear postures and stances that took place when I stopped being purely in that moment, so that I could just focus on the connection with the snow, mountain and that instance of conscious choices.
Perhaps some of you may be similar, but I know that for me, I naturally have a broad sense of being able to take everything in and know my connection with all simultaneously to my own experience. But, in an instance of fear, it is best for me to go within myself and cut out all external stimuli in order for me to return to calm and be able to better make decisions, choices, and take more responsive actions.
So for sake of repatterning and processing this fear it was, again, more important to pull into the very now moment that only lied directly in front of me (only three feet ahead), rather than try to conquer the whole mountain at once, and take everything in one small step at a time in talking to myself what to be mindful of. This assisted me in not seeing the steepness of the entire run ahead (as heights are challenges for me too) and to not over-process what that stimulates in my mind in terms of over-bearing fears that become too overwhelming, causing me to lose ability to function and think clearly.
I also assured myself I had the ability to correct anything at any given moment by listening to my inner guidance of instructions that had my best interests in mind – joy, comfort, and safety – not achieving or proving. Still understanding my connection with everything, and yet in order to support the fear of seeing the steep slope and all that happens in reaction to that when my skis then get out of control, I needed to step back into myself in order to step forward.
I just continued sticking to the runs I felt comfortable with, over and over, to really create a deep and new foundation for myself and will continue to do so until it becomes natural and if I feel to try something else. I have no particular goal, as I mentioned, other than to honor my joy and comfort with this experience. There is no ladder I am striving to climb. I feel that I will naturally get where ever I want to go if and when I want to. For now, I will have my own kind of fun, and use the experience as a tool to learning repatterning techniques I can integrate into other aspects of my life that are similar and to supporting my vulnerable parts with the loving, gentle trust it deserves, and that’s OK.
One small, gentle step forward at a time, IS a step forward nonetheless. And suddenly, as with all things so far, I’ll look back and say, “Wow! Look how far I’ve come,” and be amazed at the whole beautiful and perfect process.
This really shifted my entire experience with skiing, but more importantly shifted my relationship with myself, this particular fear, the old programmings that the fears were based on, and is helping to transform a not-so-nice experience into a nice one by slowly and gently erasing the old stuff. There was no need to force anything or do things in huge leaps.
Tender care, patience, and devotion to conscious personal growth will support forward movement. And in the end, you discover as the tortoise does, that you still arrive where you need to be with persistent and methodical steps. That’s not to say I don’t have some rabbit in me 😉 , but I am learning when and how to pull out their individual wisdom at the appropriate times and situations.
Learning to understand your individual process and how best to support it in every different situation (as I know many of you are quite complex like me and will have different ways of processing those unique treasures) will help you to adapt your transformational skills into personal alchemy.
You are worthy of fully experiencing your divinity and to love yourself as the Universe loves you. Isn’t it time you gave yourself permission to transform your fears in honor of that self-love, rather than have your fears control your life?
Here are some quotes to reflect on:
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. ~Marcus Aurelius
Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will. ~James Stephens
Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out. ~Karl Augustus Menninger
A warrior must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if he feels that he should not follow it, he must not stay with it under any conditions. His decision to keep on that path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. He must look at every path closely and deliberately. There is a question that a warrior has to ask, mandatorily: ‘Does this path have a heart? ~Carlos Castaneda
Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions.