Challenge Yourself to Find New Perspective & Create Balance While Moving Through the Times In Between
Finding gifts, meaning, purpose, opportunity for expansion and new perspectives, challenges to rise to and invoke greater creativity and imagination, the silver lining, and love in everything that shows up in my life is the way I choose to live and is what helps me to flow with the rapidly shifting experiences and potential hurdles that reflect themselves to me. There are many ways in which life can be lived, and many ways in which we can adapt our reactions into more conscious and present responses.
Currently, we have a lot going on here for the next few months, which could be stressful and debilitating if we allowed that to take hold, but each day I keep singing, giggling, and tackling each hurdle as they come, greeting each morning with gratitude and finding lightness in my approach and footstep I embark the moment’s journey on.
When I find myself caught up in the details, I remind myself of the bigger picture. And when the bigger picture seems too overwhelming, I focus on the moment and what I can do right here and now to the best of my ability. It’s a constantly evolving and continuously balancing dance to engage with ever-greater presence each day.
The Autumn beauty and light has painted its way into life here in the mountains, and it reminds me of how I can continually paint a new picture of how I want to be, the reality I choose to create, and the way I look at the world around me.
If there is something I don’t like, then I create more of what I do love. But to dwell in things feels counterproductive, except as fuel for the new. It is easy to become paralyzed by anger, fear, confusion, and over-thinking things. While I know of the dichotomy of experiences around me, I choose to be a creatrix of the way I want to see the world and send love to the things that need it.
Life is moving forward here, and alongside remodeling and preparations for moving, I am in the beginning stages of editing my book and have also begun some of the cleaning out for our new life in motion. It all feels very aligned with each other and aligned with Nature’s cycles. I’m definitely feeling that harvest of abundance, enjoyment of life’s gifts and nourishment, and also the preparation for Winter, and sense that Spring will be when all things come to blossom from this work and focus right now that is rich with gifts if I see it all that way and enjoy what each has to offer in the moment.
Official remodeling work begins tomorrow on the new home, and I’ve been slowly moving step-by-step through my book. If I were to think of all that needs to be done in a general way, that would likely throw me off center….instead I make lists of to-do’s and do what feels natural and in flow, but I don’t let it debilitate and stop me, otherwise nothing would get done. So even if it’s one small thing a day, this is still movement forward. I don’t judge the process.
And in the meantime, I pay attention to the sign posts and support that show up and I enjoy the discoveries along the way.
This has included seeing a lot of beauty in nature in what ever way I am able to with my still-healing-foot (which is at the half way point already at one month/4 weeks today!) – I’m about to head out later this afternoon for more – discovering new plants in our new yard each time I visit, planting 5 daffodil bulbs gifted to me by Faery Laura so we’ll have connected flowers come Spring, ordered our new Austrian Pines, already measured, mapped out, and ordered new things for my and Astrid’s room (it will be a bunny and Faery play world for creation making, imagining, and journeying), and have enjoyed some incredible new sightings and reflections.
These have included tons of hawks in the last couple of days….just Friday seeing 13 (a cool number) and extraordinary configurations I’d never seen, right after another. I’ve seen two hawks before sitting next to each other, which I did again, but right before them, literally several yards away, I saw THREE hawks sitting in a row, next to each other. Talk about incredible! Hawks are so dear to me and are my amazing navigators bridging Earth and Cosmos. They also always chime in with support and a thumb’s up that things are on track and magick is at hand!
I also saw out in a ranch field, what definitely appeared to be a fox, as it was very different than a coyote both in coloring and its physical appearance and attributes. I thought that was pretty darn cool, as it was the same day I reposted my black fox blog and had received a message from a friend that she just got a fox tattoo and we were discussing this energy abound for the collective right now.
So, I do find it hard to dwell in stresses or what seems wrong in the world, when so many things point to another possibility, perspective, and reality of things being aligned and on track…of support always around to help guide us another way if we in fact find things to be disappointing in other regards.
And as mentioned, I’ve already planned out my new room/office/Astrid’s sanctuary in the new home, which feels important and key to have that percolating and already imagined on a new plane of experience, and in the new reality unfolding. Since it always feels like the brain child of our home, where my office is, I feel like having already created/imagined this and put it in motion with planning it out on paper and already ordering things, seems to be anchoring all the new that is taking place there and will be.
I’m so excited about Astrid’s new things, which will be her Christmas gifts, since the timing will work out for that with move-in likely. I feel she is too and has had a hand in the planning of it all.
So, amidst the craze of things yet to do, and things in process, but not yet manifested, I am working with what is at hand and creating the reality of my visions on another timeline ahead of the now, but simultaneously merging.
There are infinite ways to approach life and to choose how to embrace it all. These are some of the ways I do and what makes life enjoyable every step of the way.
Find that balance and see how to temper things with the inversion of what’s possible on the other side.
I’ve never felt more myself than I do now at this point in my life…a feeling of returning back to my origins…of being most naturally me… Grounded and yet expansive. Inspired and free. New and old, Earth and Cosmos merging… There’s a wholeness that is anchoring and it feels like peace. I embrace my silver highlights from the Fae as the anchoring of ancient lineage coursing through my veins. I cherish the innocence of childlike purity that lights me from within like a star amidst the black of night.
And it is all rooted in love that takes me deeper daily into a return to natural harmony.
I am grateful and celebrate being.
Mine, yours, ours.
A friend saw my photo below and commented, “I can see dragon energy in your eyes.”
It made me take a second glance that took a hold of my spirit in a way I can’t explain.
I felt like I was home.
And indeed I am, which is being mirrored by our dream home we’ve anchored in.
I worked diligently with the Faeries and all Elementals, as well as the Animal Spirits (and some friends from beyond) of our new home and the land surrounding it to help align things and manifest it all. I knew the moment I stepped foot in it, it was the right house for us and that solidified when walking through the yard and the forest that surrounds it. I didn’t give up on it even when things could have gone different ways. The Faeries told me to trust and so I did. I always just know something and feel to the heart of things – that silver lining beyond the hurdles to get there.
And oh the magick that will be woven here!
It will take several months of craziness with remodeling and prep, but the Faeries are excited about the new energy and this haven being created for them and all of us to share. Much will evolve over time, even after the main work is done, since we can’t do anything to the yard until after Winter’s snow except plant eight new 12 foot Austrian Pines for now to create our sanctuary, which up here need to be in by October 15th due to very strict planting restrictions. So, I’m excited to have some new tree friends to join the forest collective.
These photos are taken on site, pre-changes, and reflect a new me rooting with the heart of this land and home, inside and out.
I’d just done some braiding magick with my hair the night before, turning myself into Pippi Longstocking – one of my fav styles for a wild, easy, and free mane. Not to mention, makes me feel like all of the parts of myself beyond this human experience of Tania.
It’s also the first time my silver is really stepping out in a big way. Normally you see the chunks laced through my hair, when it’s straighter, but with braiding it really creates a whole other effect that integrates it and spreads it around in a way I imagined myself to look in my sage years – AND how I look beyond what you know of me.
So fun to see that now, and what it draws forth from within my spirit to emerge. I have always been a lover of dichotomy and felt like a walking one – now more than ever!
And I LOVE how Astrid and I have the exact same hair colors just blended in different ways, which is incredible given I had no idea she was the one coming home with me. Just the other day I was laying next to her on the ground in my Reiki workshop and Bean said, “omgosh your hair is exactly the same color as hers.” This wasn’t the first time, as both Marcy and Sharon had said the same on the day I adopted her. We ARE one and the same….a witchy faery and her familiar for sure. 😉
I’m sure there are many who might not understand why I would enhance my already silver stripes growing in my hair, or think I look better with their version of “ideal,” but it’s simply my way of feeling most myself and revealing who I really am. I don’t mind having something associated with “old” mixed in with otherwise “young” looking things.
Perhaps these are both inversions of the oneness that is innocence.
I don’t strive to fit in. I live in a reality of my own creation.
I just want to be me…..the lifetimes and eons of me, here and now.
While others might feel more aligned with doing everything to look younger or create longevity, I’m just comfortable in feeling at home and desiring creative expression and quality versus quantity of life for however long that is meant to be.
I still get told I look half my chronological age, but now my hair throws in a curve ball, which to me feels more aligned because while physically I may be one thing, in heart and spirit there is quite another going on.
I feel both that heart of a child skipping with Mother Nature and also sometimes feel like Father Time spiraling through the cycles.
I’ve written about the “silver lining” before and how this approach to life has trickled into embodiment for me by literally turning into silver-streaked hair. Had you asked me years ago if I’d be proudly wearing silver hair, I’d likely had thought no way, but I’ve learned that things turn on a dime. Just as certain trajectories we were on have shifted into new, merged versions that encompass a higher good.
Before I felt like there were multi-paths I was working on all at once, and now it feels like they’ve merged together, providing all the same things and possibilities, but integrated.
Kind of like having silver hair and yet dressing, looking, or otherwise being what you’d think is opposite to that. It’s all connected and more and more we are breaking down limiting ideas and rules and creating new versions of experiencing everything aside from conditioning.
Hard to explain, but it feels good and allows me the ability to root further, play more, and rest along the way.
This feels to be the reflection of my hair, as well as our home.
There’s a sense of returning home and yet the irony is, we never left.
It’s simply the journey made conscious and our origins actualized for our human beingness to realize.
A perfect message, I feel, for now from Lee and very resonating with what I’ve been experiencing and sharing with clients, and feels like a flowing tie-in to recent posts I’ve felt led to express. Always appreciate Lee’s shares.
Sharing my deepest love and gratitude with each and every one of you who so lovingly extended your wishes, beautiful memories, sweetest of reflections and messages, and simply your presence with me yesterday for my birthday, but also with yourself, each other, and our Earth Mother, as you connected in heart through the magickal New Moon Eclipse collectively shared. Perhaps it was the heightened energies of this day, or perhaps it is because of the deepened place my sensitivities have taken me in experience, but it was profoundly felt and in my private moments, brought me to tears of love that felt like alchemy to the spirit.
I read and listened to every single message, more than once in many cases, reflecting on the connections and how powerful we are when unified in our hearts. It made me reflect on how strongly challenges in the energetic field have brought people together more than ever and that is a beautiful thing to see people arise, take action, and vulnerably extend themselves to others.
Yesterday, I spent my time engaged in the things I love, in taking actions toward my dreams in order to create that extra momentum through the new doorways offered and to hold my frequency for a new reality, and made stronger commitments and promises to it all.
Some of this included writing a page in my book, creating a magick wand to full completion, doing a Reiki Healing Attunement with my crystal grid for very clear intentions with highest good in mind, spending time communing in nature snow shoeing, time reflecting on connection with others and including intents of love and highest good for everyone, time with loved ones, but also embodying a peace so deeply experienced it took me to a meditative place of beingness that created what I can only describe as a state of grace in suspension….nothing could affect or change this and I knew this was my origin of being – all of ours.
And that, in and of itself, was the greatest of gifts received.
Thank you from my heart to yours
Today would have been the 2 year anniversary of my precious rabbit, Cosmo, having first entered and graced my life with his presence. But he was long before that spreading his messages of healing, as an ambassador of compassion and peace for the Humane Society International – End Animal Testing Campaign in China.
This is an ad from that campaign where Cosmo is featured with actress Zhu Zhu – the first Chinese celebrity to ever speak out about animal testing in China.
I am honored that I could help continue to bring his messages and be his voice for the time he was with us and will continue to spread his message.
I’ve written extensively about him in my blog and shared what he taught everyone who came in contact with him and experienced his unconditional and unwavering love and peace, despite having lived an extremely challenged life and being a special needs rabbit.
Today, and always, I honor this incredible soul that changed me forever in the best of ways and continues to make a difference in the world.
We are having a lovely, although very whirlwindish vacation back in Southern California, which I’ll share more of the fun and magick of when I return home and have the time to get the photos I’ve been collecting of our memories here together. But for now, on this special day I just wanted to share something dear to my heart and some Christmas Eve wishes from my and Joy’s hearts to yours.
Today happens to not only be Christmas Eve, but is also the birthday of my sweet rabbit, Joy, who would have been 13 this year.
She reminds me of many things and has been so profoundly around the last week or so with messages and showing up for me and others I know in known or unknown ways.
Today is a reminder of celebrating the inner child and possibilities available to us when we vulnerably share our hearts and embody the integrity of our essence. Joy taught me this and so much more as my companion, guide, and teacher in life. She also taught me to listen within and to trust the messages in and all around me, and that balance was key to living a life of harmony and grace.
There have been some very auspicious events around Joy the last two days and one of which was a sweet message I received this morning that I just had to share because it touched my heart so and again pointed to Joy’s profound reach and messages she is wanting to impart. I won’t share the person who sent it, but here is the message that meant a lot to me:
“To dear Tania, Happy Christmas Eve to you and all your loved ones. You have been and are an inspiration in my life and will now be an inspiration to all others in my life because you have caused a massive ripple. Your way of living has helped bring back the hope in my life which lost me for a while. Yesterday I watched a film which I had thought about watching for a while, but didn’t until yesterday. I watched it because the name of the film was Joy. I followed the magic which the universe in all it’s magical ways was trying to show me. The film is about a lady who despite having everything thrown against her made her dream come true. So now I will follow my dream and be strong. So thank you to you and all your beautiful friends and loved ones with all of my heart. In this moment, I am happy and that is what counts. This moment. I hope to always see your magical pictures you post. Blessings to you. Peace to you, love and Prosperity to you.”
This was my response:
“I can’t express to you enough how reading this message this morning touched me so. Wow! What a beautiful share from you. It made me so happy to hear that you are feeling a sense of renewal and inspired zest for life. This is incredible and if I had any tiny bit of a part in that, I am grateful for that ability to have connected in a meaningful way that makes a difference. Also, you may not be aware, but today, Xmas eve, would have been my rabbit Joy’s birthday…so your message was truly profound, as the film you saw had her name and she’s been so strongly around and sending me messages…now this…It shows how she is also still working her magick as the powerful one that she is, touching others as she always has…and speaks to our connection.”
You may remember I had a dream about Joy the night before the Christmas celebration with my family and then I saw in large letters the lit up word “JOY” on the window across the street of my parent’s house, as a neighbor’s decorative display.
And something else I’ll share more about when I’m home that happened yesterday too. Plus, another friend sharing how much Joy, along with my other loves were around her and felt so much, Laura also sharing how she and my other two bunnies had a hand in some gifts for me, and gifts from two other friends yesterday that she and my bunny loves were a part of.
I hear you Joy and I hope that your message and presence will continue to shine a light of love into everyone’s hearts as you have mine for eternity.
May you all know and embody “joy” and wonder today and all the days of your life and may peace be your constant companion.
I’ve received so many beautiful messages about Cosmo’s transition, its healing effects, and how his message and life have touched so many, that I am overwhelmed with love, making it hard to really express what it all means to me.
Saying thank you doesn’t seem like enough. I’m just grateful that I could lend a voice to his desire to be heard, although I know he has no attachment to results since he is unwavering in simply being just that….love and peace.
And yes, love is JUST what it is all about, although not ego-attached love that creates illusions, but the truest most expansive kind that is harmony manifest….and yet this love is MORE than enough.
Yes, for sure his life and teachings shared was and has been so much bigger than I imagined…even though I knew he was all about a mission and our relationship was also that and a conduit for change.
The enormity of what that would encompass has unfolded like a blossom slowly opening, one petal at a time.
And now I see the rose in its full glory, although the seedling it came from will continue to grow new layers of blossoms over time.
I have definitely been changed by this experience and him…although it is a change bringing me to the heart of me and most natural essence – a new layer of softness and strength washing over me like a gentle stream.
He and I are One, as are we all, and he’s impressed so much as his example, which I’m carrying on as not only a promise to him, but a promise to myself.
For to know what he was teaching is one thing…to embody it is another.
I feel that is important to impress with everything we are learning and growing into….
This dove feather was one I found at the doorsteps of the Magick Bus upon arrival on the edge of a farm in Nebraska while making our way to Lake Tahoe, and when I looked up there was also a dove sitting atop a tree greeting us. While so many feathers have found their way to me over time and on this journey, receiving this new gift felt to herald a period of divine grace we’d be entering and supported with, along with a message of peaceful surrender that, if embodied, would see us through the next part of our ever-evolving “plan.” And that’s just what has taken place by our balancing intent with flow and action with surrender.
The next morning after arrival, doves were ALL around, cooing beautifully in the stillness of the golden sunrise as we prepared to head out to Cheyenne. Their song holds the deepest kind of peace that resides in the depths of your heart and speaks to the soul of hope during life transitions, promise of renewal, and supports a return to harmony at the cellular level.
I found it synchronous that I’d felt called to share a sound channeling where the doves were prolific, as if their song had taken a hold of my soul and inspired the music of my heart to come forth.
I find it also auspiciously prophetic that I was holding my Golden Selenite Blossom during this channeling, which literally feels to have foreshadowed this new era, transmutation, expansion, and shattering of the old into the new, as you’ll learn in an upcoming blog.
I shared that sound channeling already and you can listen to it here if you missed it:
Our embrace of the energy flow has seamlessly guided us to our next step unfolding, of which we just heard word on today. And there is great peace and joy around this new phase that has come to us like a gift dropped from the wings of an angel, just as this feather was.
Yet, it has come with embrace of the process, aligning with divine timing, and following instincts based on the energy we have felt.
I shared yesterday on Facebook that “I get the sense that a good majority of people are at a hugely transformational tipping point in their life and so close to having a huge flip take place, but aren’t sure what to do next. You’re feeling excited. You’re scared. You’re ready, but unsure.”
Dove gently coos her way into your life to share that it’s a time to embrace the integrity of your natural self and purity of your creative spirit to nurture imagination and follow your own true path, as you cultivate continued hope for the new.
Clear vision, or that prophecy I spoke of receiving, are carried in message by dove, which can provide little glimpses into things to come, that assist you enough to know what things are “on path,” but not too much as to take away your creative power to continually imagine new ways while also aligning with the most supportive ways showing up for the highest good and in synergy with Mother Earth.
Healing and gentle self-nurturing are possible on all levels when dove appears, and that comes with the surrender of all things past, future, and now that you hold onto with anxiety. Her presence promises a calm peace that is possible with this release.
It may be that there will be a void time to journey through, of unknowns, as dove also symbolizes the “between times,” but also heralds how the physical and spiritual are more rapidly merging with the thinning of veils that arrive with your willingness to see more clearly.
I don’t always know in the moment what something in totality means in the bigger picture, but the essence carries with me on a cellular level by way of my consciously taking the time to acknowledge what is showing up and keeping it in my back pocket, so to speak, percolating behind the scenes.
Dove has been with me since the feather gift and so many doves surrounding the Magick Bus that day – more than I’ve experienced all at once of her presence.
It has impressed upon me always having that “peace” of mind and heart no matter what presents itself….peace within chaos will see you through.
And she also inspired the potential imaginative seed that my feathers I’ve found over time may one day be incorporated into some kind of shamanic, faery, cosmic portal activators later.
For now, dove’s feather has already been an activator in assisting this new portal entrance.
It’s hard to believe this was once me and this share will be revealing in terms of things and photos from my life experiences that unveil more pieces of my journey. I’ve lived a very diverse life at both extremes of the spectrum, exploring the dark, the light, the in between….I’ve immersed myself in society’s illusions, spiritual deceptions, and walked in the shoes of being part of the bombardment of messages that are sold to us daily – all to know myself, to know these dynamics, to understand their energy and purpose, and to be able to see that I am all of these and none of these…that I can choose my own reality that now more purely reflects this transmutation I’m coming to experience more and more of, daily.
It’s an ever-flowing evolution of creative execution requiring constant, increasingly conscious presence to hear the voice within.
One of the most visual and tangibly easy ways to share this evolution is through the physical body – my body – the epitome of our divinity that has been abused, mutilated, manipulated by force, neglected, made to feel less than, evil, dirty, and simply hated and made to feel like a punishment for being born as a human in female or male form.
You may not know that at one time I used to:
- drink and in fact used to be an event and convention model for beer, tequila, and rum
- I used to eat meat and dairy, wore leather, and modeled it for promotion to female consumers
- modeled and basically sold sex through scantily clad, “just” covered birthday suit, and lingerie photos in campaigns and fashion shows
- promoted accepted idealism of beauty and physical fitness through exposure of my body and image spending hours in make up and hair chairs for photo shoots
- was a model in an exercise video and promotional photo shoot for it
- modeled for caricatures made of me that were featured as the main character in a zombie comic book series where I was a female military leader combating the zombies and then became one (I do have these comic books, but they are in storage so unable to share at this time)
- modeled and promo modeled for other companies that included sunglasses, California apparel, lingerie, car shows, bars and alcohol based events, upcoming L.A. fashion designers’ shows, California Mart, etc.
- went on rigorous auditions for product commercials I had no connection with and reality dating show call-backs where my essence and personal integrity ultimately made me a mismatch vibrationally and finally not chosen in the end because of that
- filmed public access channel spots that were odd to say the least under the tutelage of a past life abuser that showed up for closure to be rectified
- stayed conscious of every little pound to ensure the right weight for the camera – knowing the difference between 104 and 105 pounds quite intimately
- at one time was a gym extremist monitoring everything that went into my body spending 3 hours a day 5+ days a week working out and exhibiting a fitness model body at 13-14% body fat (that’s the low end of average female athletes)
- evolved into a pescatarian for a while, a vegetarian, and then extreme vegan raw foodist for 2 years
- and when in my teens, like so many today, was drawn in by images in magazines that I idealized and yearned to emulate and look the same as
All of this is of course being my own choice along my path to choose to experience and emulate what I saw all around me in varying forms and through various modes of marketed “ideals” being advertised and being accepted and manipulated into multiple versions of these “ideals” by different channels of the collective that I tuned into. And later, that included even “ideals” in the spiritual/new age community.
I’m sharing some photos (ones I could easily find) from my modeling (above), one from when I was a raw foodist, and a few of me currently, in order to reflect what I’m sharing and the actualization of it.
I wish I had photos from my extreme gym days, as that would really present a contrast, but for some reason I never took photos then, which seems interesting given I was obviously very physically focused in manipulating my body during that time.
I’m sharing several, as I want to share this side of me that people would not associate with me so that you can really get the “picture” of my journey I’m trying to convey.
These fitness photos you see are from my modeling days (post gym days, which were 8- 10 years earlier) when I did an exercise video and photo shoot promotion for it, which I mentioned above.
And although I never became addicted to alcohol, never once touched a cigarette, drug, or any form of altering substance outside of alcohol, never had an eating disorder, nor got sucked into anything truly harmful, I still had an unhealthy lack of self worth, body dysmorphic perception which plagues a large majority of the population to some degree or another, used extremes to make up for energies I had neglected, and immersed in the illusion and numbness that while I thought was to help my body, I feel was still not really actually listening to it.
I was listening to ideas in my mind that weren’t taking into account what my body truly desired, but instead were aligning with what the industry was promoting and women were idealizing. Although everything is always perfect and valuable in its experience, there was in fact a reason energetically for every choice that my body would patiently accompany me on to work out the journey I personally needed to experience.
I am grateful for the fact that some part of me always had this lifeline to my purity of frequency that although was muddled and at times pushed aside to listen to other voices I chose to play out on the experiential scene, it was always there to reel me back in, keep control of things, and aided some level of discernment, even if tiny.
Without that I may have developed major challenges, addictions, or worse. But it also kept me aware of not only what I was continuing to subject myself to, that runs through the history of our DNA as a collective, but what I was reflecting to others in message and continuing to support through that.
I was also grateful that my modeling didn’t take place until I was between 29 and 31, as I was able to walk in that world by appearing young, but bringing along with me some of the consciousness, wisdom, and strength I’d managed to work on in the years before.
Not to mention, I got into it for fun and made it a thing of fun, wondering if, at my older age and at my shorter height than the industry standard, I could enter in and try on these collective roles for a while.
It was not my life or life line. There was no desperation involved.
I merely wanted to experience this realm that I’d been enamored with like many others, from a place of immersion for sake of knowing that energy from experience, and for observation.
I received much in doing so, which included some beautiful experiences of creative self expression, confidence and working through some layers of my shyness, my enjoyment of morphing into different me’s, exploring my shadow literally, working through deep seeded beliefs and conditioning around the body and being a female, stepping into the unempowered AND empowered woman simultaneously, and experiencing vulnerability.
I also got to see and experience firsthand this side of the coin and the underlying currents there, including a continuing disregard for body honoring in ways that lifted the female and male counterparts into their strengths, but rather fed off of the weaknesses instilled over ages of forgetting.
And although I had much, much to learn still, my small lifelines were enough to keep me above water and I think was also the saving grace of my pulling out when I did, right before things could have gone a different course if I’d chosen.
I share this background to express that I have walked in different worlds and I do know from experience what these things are like and have been exposed to much along the way.
When I share this, it’s not coming from someone who doesn’t get it, nor from jealousy because I haven’t been there and wish I was something other than myself in looks or otherwise, or even from a place of out right judgment, as I do really get the perfection of all expressions of energy, dynamics, why they are there, and why individuals feel called to different paths in their life to mirror things they are wanting to learn or simply experience as a soul in physical form, not to mention the collective reflection and expression all of these energies play a part in for us all.
What I share is my personal experience having immersed in much that goes beyond the realm of what this post is about, and what for me, personally, it’s led to as to the reality I experience and create now of my choosing – in this case relating to my body and the relationship I have with it now and my health.
It might perhaps have something that resonates in it for who ever is drawn to find this post and read it. And if not, I’ve put it out there energetically as my contribution to the collective energy pool.
Again, I’d like to reiterate that I do see the purpose in all of this and the things I chose, I came to realize the dynamics of while involved in them and yet still felt compelled to follow it through for purposes of living in these shadow aspects of myself while keeping that lifeline to the core of me. That’s not to mean I was aware of every little thing playing out, but I was aware of this underlying pull to see it through for a reason I couldn’t explain to others and even to myself. And where I allowed unconscious acts to fold in, they were the acts chosen as necessary to my evolution.
I’m so grateful for all of it, as truly, even though I went through some crazy and challenging stuff, my life is richer and I’ve come to know myself quite intimately inside and out of the dark and the light.
In dancing with each, I feel we then can create true alchemy.
That has been the case for many things I went through…and although could have chosen otherwise, I chose to live these things out because for me, that was the way to transmute them and how I evolved the most – by living the experience.
Some more facts about me:
When I was younger, I appeared older and more mature.
When I got older, I appeared younger.
I used to wear revealing clothing when younger and never left home without makeup and looking a certain way – while I am an artist and some of this satisfies my need to be creative and morphing, it also was extreme in living as a certain image I felt I needed to portray, a face or mask I hid behind, or an energy I had out of control within my experience.
I used to own a scale and monitored each pound, which was easy with a strongly placed Capricorn ascendant and Mars in Capricorn in my first house to discipline, control, and shift my outer body’s structure without ever having to become bulimic or anorexic. It was simply mind over matter.
I used to have a personal trainer and wrote down everything I ate, while we monitored my body fat and muscle shifts, measuring everything and doing what the body didn’t want because the mind willed it into tight muscley rigid, command.
Later I went to the extreme of inhaling every superfood, holistic supplementation, doing every cleanse, juicing, and colonic on continual intervals to rewire myself, hiring a personal raw food chef, purchasing raw food books, and adamantly refusing anything that wasn’t raw vegan. I was fanatical in a new extreme way. I went to Bikram yoga and sweated out the “toxins” and immersed heavily into a new version of health and body consciousness that I was surrounded by.
And somewhere in between my extremes, I indulged in so-called “fine” foods and drinking to just drink and do like the others around me. I could hold more alcohol than most people if I wanted and yet still never had any affinity to it, no addiction, nor even really liked most any of it. It was an idea and I could morph into that to assume the experience.
And within each experience and time period of my life I wore clothing that “fit” each of these images I was swimming in.
I’ve lived in the extremes. And I never found or experienced true self love and peace in any of them.
And having immersed in these extremes of realities with focus on different versions of dictating the physical body, which are received in messages from varying camps of thought and then executed by my choice to join them, it had an affect on detaching from honoring the sacred wisdom my body had all on its own, which knows what it wants and how that looks and feels, which isn’t about getting caught in any small or large stream of information and messaging that is being offered by that which is outside the cellular and DNA wisdom within.
In some way or another, although all of these messages are provided with intent to help in their own way, it all still felt to me to be limited, restrictive, and obsessively addictive….to be a way to keep me in subconscious dislike of myself and the physical body’s divine partnership with spirit that is ever-flowing.
The me now:
I no longer strive to be a chiseled woman – my version of dancing in the male energy I yearned to strengthen.
I no longer strive to have a yoga body – my version of dancing in the female energy I then needed to strengthen in direct respect.
I honor each of these and their male and female energetic purposes and value, and yet I’ve been led to find a different way most resonant to the balance and integration I seek. One that honors both my sacred male and female in honoring each’s wisdom and embodying this as an emanating quality where my body relaxes into the expression of each in ways I would not have reasoned out with my mind, but it comes through in listening and supporting action of their wisdom alone.
I now listen to the new male and female within that are learning to recreate themselves in core ways.
What that looks like is not an ultimate end goal result, but an ever-evolving one, day-to-day.
This is not to say that either the extreme chiseled or extreme yoga woman me was wrong in any way, but they truly aren’t me at the core. They may be what others feel is their essence or one might find their own mix of some of each combined with a whole gamut of other versions…like an athlete, dancer, gymnast, etc. too.
We each have a different energy signature and individual expression of All That Is to play out….and for some that will shift along the way, as we uncover the layers to our trueness.
I know that when I was a child it was all about dancing and being a ballerina, which goes along with the Faery me, no doubt. And I continued dancing into adulthood at clubs – even considered at one time being a go-go dancer 🙂 and later took salsa lessons. The dancer would definitely be me, but not in any professional way that would involve rigid discipline and competition, as that doesn’t feed my soul personally.
I dance for the sake of my soul being on fire with passion flowing through me and that might just be in private, or whenever the moment moves me.
This is the difference, for me, with any of these things, as there is a yearning to just flow now, which is what going through my rolfing sessions reiterated to me, which I did in the years later after the gym.
Rolfing helped me to undo and release layers of the old memories and core emotions that were held in my muscles so tightly and to be more of that free dancer, returning my body to its elongated flow and flexibility I resonated with. I’ve even considered doing that again, as I loved what took place in that process of return, which may be potent at this point. Who knows what I might be led to. I’ll listen to my body, though, that’s for sure.
I’ve now melted into my own version of natural, which my body is guiding me toward.
My “diet” of body, mind, heart, and soul is a “nature diet” honoring the “nature of me” and following my soul’s joy, which then my mind supports the actions shared by my body’s rhythms of flowing intelligence.
This to me being a partnership of sacred male and female honoring one another.
And now I have chosen my balance – a balance that most resonates with my soul frequency, the embodiment I choose to inhabit, and the celebration of my nature and inner harmony that continues to find the comfort, self value, and true self love that isn’t about any of this, but about listening to the energy moving through me, who I really am, and what I am really here to experience, embody, and reflect.
Now I just am what I am, melting into all that I’ve processed through these experiences and come to create as my own new reality that isn’t about trying to portray something that has been force fed to me by any realm – media, society, the spiritual community, the health enthusiasts, doctors, “experts”, and even the do-gooders that want to share their revelations they feel others should follow to receive equal happiness and health.
I know what it feels like when we discover things that create such amazing shifts in our lives….there’s excitement to shout it out to the world, as we do have a connection and love shared collectively and there’s this innate feeling to want to be supportive.
And so I still walk that line of feeling challenged on what to express and how to express it, especially knowing that what I say and put out there has its own effects. Sometimes this experience is one of learning out loud in the process of sharing it, from the current place I’m at, how that feels, and readjusting and tweaking things for the future.
I’m a work in progress and have chosen to make that public and be vulnerable about it. That’s my way of being personally accountable. That’s part of my purpose.
But I’ve settled into the same place with this expression, as I have with my own health, vitality, body, weight, physical appearance, etc. – to just be me in the fullest way I know possible, embodying my truth, and the beliefs I hold important enough to walk in the shoes of.
This is what I’m experiencing in terms of my now physicality and health that has come to be reflected, as this is what I’m focusing on for this share:
- looking more integrated, I suppose
- a mixture of innocent and ancient
- having both dark and light
- celebrating my silver hairs that are growing in, even creating an Elvira Faery stripe and letting them adorn my crown with grace as a mirror of the depth of who I am and what I’ve been through
- getting rid of the scale and happily wearing larger sizes
- loving the round curves, the extra Earthy weight, embracing both my fat and muscles and enjoying the softness of my real femininity
- wearing makeup only when I want to express a different creative feminine part of myself or have Faery fun, but am completely at home 90% of the time without
- only being drawn to natural forms of exercise that take me into nature like hiking, biking, and kayaking, yet only with the goal of enjoying and connecting with Earth’s gifts – I never see it as a means to an end in terms of exercise for weight control or to make up for something I ate – and yet I’m still physically fit with a natural balance of fat and muscle
- wearing clothes that mirror how I feel and my unique creative expression alone, which is why I wear skirts and dresses hiking, for example – because it’s more comfortable and me
- being 100% vegan, but muddying up my diet to eat what ever I choose and enjoying things in moderation that my body determines alone and not my mind, not monitoring everything I eat or feeling guilty or like I need to make up for something and not depriving myself. I basically eat what I want – cooked or raw, but pretty much solidly cooked at this point, as that is what resonates for my path right now and my physical needs, along with what I want to manifest – all within my vegan lifestyle choice that matches my soul’s essence and mirrors the expression of my spirit in physical form.
- I don’t drink and haven’t for the last 11 years.
- I am physically fit in terms of my ability to do the things I love, which include hiking and biking several miles pretty much daily (we do anywhere from 2 – 10 miles depending on the trail that calls) and quite quickly when/if desired or the energy moves me, can ascend several thousand feet in elevation or hike at extreme elevation without breathing issues, have complete flexibility with my body even though I don’t do yoga anymore, my bones are stronger than they were when I was eating in any other way (I have fractured multiple bones in the past, whereas an accident I had recently where I clearly should have had a break, hearing things crack, in fact did not happen with the way things are currently).
- My skin is clear and has no more issues with acne that I faced during large parts of my past.
- My hair and nails grow excessively fast – it was only 3 years ago that my hair was buzzed close to my head like a guy, trimmed into different styles since, and now is at the middle of my lower back.
- living a spiritually Earth-based life that I keep learning to balance more and more, as all things are an ever-evolving journey
And I know I will continue to morph, as I continue to grow along my path.
It’s constantly shifting as to what this looks and feels like for me, but this is as best as I can describe it above, for the current experience I’m having and seeing with myself.
If I wanted to change what this physical expression of myself is, I could do that at any moment, but I have no desire to change what has, and is, naturally settling into harmony inside and out.
I’m not thinking it into being…it’s a process of relearning to just “be”.
I may not look like the sleek model me at 104 pounds.
I may not look like the fitness athlete me at 115 pounds of muscle bound physique.
I may not look like the 100% raw vegan lean, light, and waif me at 105 pounds.
I am 43 and a half in Earth years, this go around.
I am 5’5″ and likely weigh about 125+ lbs since the last time I was weighed on a doctor’s scale with clothes on I was 128 in Utah when I had my elbow checked from a mountain biking fall I shared having with miraculously no break. That’s 20+ lbs or more of “natural” love, joy, and harmony than what I allowed as an ideal at one point. And it’s a mix of fat, muscle, soft, firm, thicker and more solid, smooth, ripply, and of course heavily tattooed since my modeling days when I only had two small tattoos – basically fully embodied and grounded.
But best and most importantly of all – I feel at peace.
None of the rest of the above would matter, other than sharing what has evolved as means of where the journey has taken me, as peace is my truest expression to experience even if that means for one more day, week, or 50+ more years of life on this Earth.
My body has found its “harmony zone” where I can basically do what I love most and eat anything that brings me joy within the realm of my “nature” when I listen, nurture, and support what I feel without punishment, guilt, and “ideas” or “charge” about rights and wrongs.
Simply put…it’s in it’s personal harmony zone by following “my” authentic, personal joy, which I’ve been coming to know by walking through many versions and extremes of experience.
I have no issue with sharing my age, weight, etc….as well as have no need to prove anything with sharing them either.
I know that they don’t define me, just like everything shared here doesn’t, but also I have no fear of them.
I don’t need to prove that age and weight don’t matter, just as much as I don’t need to prove that they do.
I share them just as celebration and honor of the totality of who I am right here and now with no need to withhold and no need to say, “hey look at me!”
This is a share of vulnerability.
Exposing my journey.
Exposing my body.
Exposing my dance with shadow and light.
I don’t need to be extreme on either end, but feel that my personal expression and path is about undefining things and being able to move in and out of experiences without taking a side and without need to continue being an extremist or feel a charge around anything.
I honor and am grateful for my entire journey and the energy that has played a part in who I am today that gives me an appreciation and understanding for the spectrum of realities playing out collectively as well.
This is my experience and where I feel most at home. And yet each of the places I found myself in at one time or another, served their purpose in knowing where home is for me.
While I know it may not sound like a huge shift to some people to be 20+ lbs more than I used to be, all experiences are relative and it’s not to be compared, but to be taken at the level of the experience of the individual.
It’s a huge deal, coming from a lifetime of restrictions, monitoring, and delegating to my body in one way or another, to now relax and let go into its own wisdom and comfort that has settled into where it really wants to be.
Although people may say I’m still on the spectrum of “thin,” the key I’m focusing on is how this natural zone of my own health and vitality has come to take root by honoring the core within and having no restrictive measures other than honoring what my essence truly is about, which is the same messaging from spirit of what my soul vibrates at in terms of being 100% vegan – that’s not an idea I contrive – it’s the sustenance needed for my personal frequency and vibration.
I’m my own version of “ideal” that my body wants to express itself as without manipulation. It has settled into the comfort of its own personal haven of peace and pleasure that celebrates my sacred feminine and masculine within.
I’m loving this new me.
I’m loving the ancient me coming through.
I’m loving that I still vibrate youth as well because of my constant heart connection and desire to see the beauty and magick within it all rather than attach to a “look” to strive for or that creates fear and hate around wrinkles or extra weight that is simply nature’s cycles.
Could we defy all of this and ascend into light forms?
Certainly and may do just that, but there is beauty in the process and the stages and dynamics of life that Nature mirrors to us daily. There is nothing wrong with living in the grace of this. We are in human bodies for a reason. We are physical and mirror Nature for a reason.
This “now” me is a reflection of my Middle Way that comes from having explored and deciding what feels most naturally aligned and reflective of my soul signature at this time and where I feel led to move into.
I realize and celebrate that others are not on the same path as me, but in sharing this perhaps it might provide another perspective to create your own version of reality and what you want as YOUR experience of soul in flesh.
Afterall, what we put out there, like it or not, is influencing others and sends a message you may not even realize you’re sending.
And while we all (including myself) may have the best of intentions and truly are experiencing what we in this moment feel as ideal, motivational, or proving a point or message, we might also be carrying a load of underlying messages to others that are unattainable on so many levels including that everyone has different motivators, that it’s not their energetic path as it is yours, and that create extremism in other ways that can still create issues around self worth, self hate, and feeling less than, or more.
And still, this is all perfect too, as there is purpose to the paths we are each currently on, and to what we are drawn to, what we focus on, and the growth these choices have in potential for us.
Being conscious of the full spectrum of dynamics and effects our choices and messages make, make our choices….well….more conscious. 🙂
We impact the collective with everything we do, feel, and say.
If we recognize that our journey here is about our individual self expression of our piece of the collective, we can understand that it all has its place, and the most important piece is YOURS, as the clearer you are with YOUR expression of All That Is, the clearer others will be with theirs.
We place a lot of focus on the outside (and that goes for any realm of society and communities – spiritually or physically focused – that all magnify ideals at us, which include the physical, but also every other level of experience as well).
The physical is the easiest to manipulate, and yet perhaps the inside might know exactly how to formulate the outside if we softened into listening to it.
I don’t have all the answers, and continue to explore, observe, and try to understand the energy streams out there.
But I do know that in my own exploration, the peace has only arrived now.
I have discovered that the body has its own sacred wisdom and divinity that basically knows the perfect balance that honors our essence and will always align us with what it knows as health and vitality if we listen to it, rather than dictate it from a place of dishonor and disregard to its wisdom.
Sure, that is a process and will take some time to balance out, but the more we honor its voice and the very richness of knowledge within its cells and DNA, the more we we find ourselves experiencing true well being.
What ever you do, DO IT FOR YOURSELF and know that it’s about the energy YOU are working with and working out in YOUR own life right now and it’s NOT EVERYONE’S path at this time.
That includes the one I share here of mine.
My journey is simply my expression of this that has naturally evolved, offered as another perspective in the energy stream to explore, and as celebration and honor of your divine human body and its own wisdom to guide you harmoniously.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to judge or change.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to emulate.
There is no perfect way to express any message, as the second you say or write a word, it immediately takes you out of the formless energy that has more expansive meaning than the limiting words that will either be heard differently based on someone’s personal filters and experience, be charged with any residual energy you might not be aware of operating beneath the surface, create an opposing side merely by finiting something, will feel like a personal attack to someone who’s in the middle of their own journey with strong beliefs, come across in a multitude of ways you haven’t even considered by people on all spectrums of conscious and less conscious paths, or so much more.
Anyone on the same frequency stream as you, or that your frequency stream would be supportive to as the next step on someone’s path for what ever reason, will hear through to the energy behind the words.
All I can do is share from where I am in the present moment and I’ve been willing to vulnerably put my experience and thoughts out there publicly, knowing they will not resonate with everyone, let alone any kind of majority.
One must simply be and be okay with that.
And that is a huge part of health and vitality to me….simply being me, as most naturally as possible.
Health and vitality has a new face.
It’s the face of YOUR heart in harmony with YOU.
It is wholesome well-being.