The month of October is a big month for us for celebrations and honoring, including our anniversary, Dave’s birthday, Cosmo’s transition, when we moved into the Magick Bus and began our RV adventure leaving behind everything, when I sold my amazing Hunab Ku Toyota Highlander Hybrid that took me on many an adventure safely, a month of cherished friends’ birthdays and transitions, and our moving back to our home in Lake Tahoe. I’ll be sharing a bit more of some of these as the days go on, but today is a day I want to give some words to, as it marks a 9 year cycle for us together that closes a chapter on our lives and opens a new one.
Today is our anniversary of coming together and although we experienced years of mixed challenge that likely could have taken us a different direction many times, we find ourselves continuing together, stronger than ever.
I know that many fantasize and hope or intend for their version of ideal in a relationship….the movie screen romance….that state of constant bliss…..or some idea of “spiritual” perfection….Why? Because I’ve heard it from many, I see it in things people share online, and because I have been there.
But I’ve found that it is the relationships that take you through every nook and cranny of your heart and soul, to the depths of challenge and to the shadows of personal reflection at the core, which truly create richness, fulfillment, and solidity, individually and as a partnership.
You don’t have to live this “spiritual ideal” of a life to have and share a beautiful relationship. In fact, I know of many and see many “spiritual” people who move through more partners than the world of celebrities do. Nothing wrong with that, of course, as we do change and so change can constitute moving on when that becomes necessary to one’s personal growth and well being. And there is no one way relationships need to look or be and yet, it is curious to me in the stories I’ve heard and in my own years of experience with this, how spiritual ego can sometimes overlook the beauty and gift the challenges are reflecting that may in fact bring us closer to our relationship to ourselves and All That Is, if we are willing to go as far and as deep as the relationship is asking of us. Sometimes we stop before we get there, much as we give up on dreams or intentions we’ve been working on right when we needed to just go that extra mile and it would happen.
That’s not to say that every relationship is meant to last, nor should it, but each one is opportunity for utmost vulnerability and transparency so that we may journey to ever-greater personal integrity and grace of being.
Some connections can be past life or beyond intensified to help us to move through things, clear and heal soul patterns, or are there to simply recognize for what they are, but aren’t necessarily ones for the “now” to move forward with.
Some souls simply can’t meet us at that level of commitment and responsibility that it will take to get there, but there are many that can, will, and do rise to the occasion, if we are doing our work just as much as we desire them to do theirs. The key being, doing OUR work and not trying to change the other person or force them to do what we ourselves cannot. Walking the walk will produce the most authentic experiences of either them meeting us at that bridge, or making the choice that it’s just too much and not for them.
And this is where I’ve found myself in gratitude of this relationship I share with Dave. We’ve been at many crossroads during our times together and yet each time it asked of me/us to go deeper and further, we eventually did. It didn’t happen easily or overnight, especially in the beginning, as we both came together at times of huge personal transformation we met each other with, which yanked us hard in many directions and had us exploring everything to its depths individually and together.
What I found, however, is that when I was willing to look most vulnerably and responsibly at myself and walk the walk in every way, that was the ultimate game-changer.
I share this, as I feel it is important for us to understand that everything in life now asks of these things from us consistently across the board. If we want a particular “anything” then we must be willing to go to the depths of our core most honestly and with the greatest level of conscious responsibility we can muster up in every new moment.
I want to honor and celebrate what has been an incredible 9 year journey with Dave and it feels like we are at another precipice of possibility taking place right now.
We’ve been through The Tower, The Devil, The Hanged Man, The Death, The Fool cards….you name it and I feel as if The Star and The World cards are coming into being now. The last couple of years really shifted things into several octaves higher for sure when together we took leaps into the unknown of individual and shared journeys of the heart.
Next Friday, the 27th will celebrate Dave’s first breath on Earth, this go around, but it is every day and every timeless moment he’s cherished and celebrated.
Equally so is today, the 22nd, cherished and celebrated as the moment we decided in spirit upon changing our lives forever and ending the repetitive patterns we both had experienced. The moment somewhere in our heart and soul did a part of us know this would be our chance to go beyond….our chance to change everything….and our knowingness on a spirit level that if it wasn’t now and with this opportunity within each of us, it might never be. It wouldn’t be easy and it wouldn’t be bliss, but it would be possible depending upon how much our souls had had enough.
We’ve been through it all, the worst and the best, the challenge and the flow, yet we never gave up, embraced the mirror we reflected to each other to transmute within ourselves, didn’t listen to what others thought, and instead paved our own way through life and with each other – our efforts showering us with gifts in abundance.
But no other adventure has been grander than these last two years, as we jumped together into the great outdoors to discover the depths of ourselves and our bond by turning things inside out and upside down, revealing the root of love’s true power to create miracles.
Dave literally saved my life last year and believed and nurtured me to follow my dreams and step into the most empowered embodiment of my essence I have ever been.
I’ve loved watching him blossom and reveal more of who he really is….the deep thinker, the adventurer, the silly playful child, the lover of nature and protector of animals, the poet, the creative, the sensitive, the passionate, the intellectual, the generous giver, the tender, the strong, the one who has been able to help me grow the most by challenging me with everything I need and helping me to finally find that peaceful balance.
That’s what a true, loving partner is.
It is pretty amazing, but no wonder that we are celebrating this ending and beginning of a cycle with our new dream home coming into manifestation, which we closed on two days before October – bringing another thing into celebration for this month, as we also just began our remodeling in the last couple of weeks.
It’s an incredible journey for sure, and I know the best times are now and yet to come, as we have both individually and together, worked through the biggest hurdles of this lifetime and are now ready to embark on a completely new reset of creations and experiences that only hinge on the now and focus on a whole new and unknown future.
Here’s to making more exciting memories on the next adventure we’re embarking on.
I’m grateful for this day when we both decided to show up, stand up, rise to the occasion, and say no more, I’m ready to go the length and do what ever it takes, I’m ready to be all that I can be, I’m ready to create a new reality, and I’m in, all the way.
This Full Moon has a special place in my heart because of its being in Capricorn…an energy I’ve been working on diligently since my North Node, Ascendant and Mars are all in Capricorn. For me it speaks to the life shifts I’m integrating, but it also speaks to a collective energy needed, especially with healers, empaths, “light workers” (as people call them), creatives…or anyone who has lived in martyr or victim roles most of their life. This Full Moon in Capricorn speaks to fortifying those personal boundaries and creating healthier relationships with others in all ways, including the relationship you have with yourself, the past, and the ancestral lines you carry within your DNA.
I’m reminded of Astrid with this Full Moon and how she, too, is mirroring this shift like mom and the collective, into deepening of her true power, as she heals from the past, understands the triggers that bring her to defense, and roots more in the trust of self and the love she consistently now has to support her into her empowered wholeness, so she can blossom like crazy.
This is a time for keeping ultra present and aware of rising and displaced and exaggerated emotions, anger, jealousy, fear….if you’re feeling triggered look within yourself as to what that’s really about and what you’re really upset with. It’s very easy to point fingers and lay blame on others and it’s very easy to self-sabotage so that we can avoid the things that would be most supportive for our journey, but scary to entertain.
Reactions are not only likely unconscious fears acting out, but also aren’t based on the reality being put forth even by the other person triggering you because they have their own stories that shape the way they are acting as well.
This again is shadow work…something everyone likes to talk about, but very few truly understand and are actually working with.
If something has been hidden in your life by yourself or others, the Full Moon can help shed truth on the matter, but be willing to embrace that revealing when it shows up, otherwise greater lashing out and reactions will only continue to mask what’s really at the core of things.
Take steps back, spend more quiet time, or time in nature to root and ground yourself more, recharge with the plants and trees, and remove yourself if necessary from harmful or potentially harmful situations until you have a better grip on things and your defensive emotions.
You can either give away your power or be empowered. It’s up to you.
The old is continuing to crumble and Capricorn assists you in taking greater responsibility in your life, rather than displacing that and continuing with old patterns that are no longer sustainable for ultimate, collective well being.
Capricorn also represents structure and so we’ll be asked to rework and rebuild new structures that are strong, yet flexible, and do not carry the load of the past with it.
So yes, transformational shifts on large scales are happening, which includes literal and symbolic deaths of everything we’ve ever known in order to be more authentic and in alignment with current frequencies.
I recently just finished a big 2 week fast and cleanse that was literally like shedding layers of snake skin in not only losing all the old in weight, but also reinvigorating my cells on a molecular level so that they had time to detox and dispel, rest, and then rebuild.
This is what we are going to see more of and what this Full Moon is illuminating a need within us to do whether we like it or not.
You must tear down the old foundations in order to truly build a fortified new.
Power is increasingly being something to exercise with utmost consciousness and to balance in ways that both leave us empowered, but also empower others rather than power over others or have us acting out of inauthentic power.
Goats are amazingly agile, versatile, curious, and inventive, have incredible balance, are committed to the journey, are patient and persevering, don’t let any obstacle stand in their way of continuing toward their goals, keep climbing and reaching for new heights no matter what (even if its outside their comfort zone), know how to nurture and feed the soul, are intuitively guided, and exercise wise use of trust and responsible independence.
Let us learn by Goat’s example and ride this transformative energy with greater awareness.
When you find yourself in situations that increasingly call upon your awareness and consciousness about the unconditional compassion you’ve come to understand along your journey – perhaps even as a healer, “light worker”, teacher, guide, leader… there is opportunity to consistently put into action “being the bigger person.” It’s not an easy thing to do, as ego crops up in many ingenious ways to make you feel justified in coming at things from a place of needed validation or desire for certain results, whether you want to admit it or not.
If you decide to step into the role of being the bigger person, there’s then the challenge of truly embodying what that means and not caring/worrying about how you look. It isn’t simply to appear as a martyr while you silently hold onto ideas of how you want the other person to respond when you do, but is about truly stepping into that role without attachment to any kind of result, except simply knowing it is the right thing to do.
You don’t do it in order to receive accolades and then harbor feelings of resentment because the other person didn’t recognize what you just did.
That ISN’T being the bigger person.
You do it because it’s who you are. It’s your embodiment you’ve committed to as your role in the capacity of beingness, vocation, or path you’ve chosen and that your path actually is asking of you to step into being more and more.
If you call yourself a teacher, that brings along with it a lot of responsibility, yes, and this is one of those responsibilities to lead with as an example to others.
No matter what the other person chooses to do or how they react after, you step into that vulnerability with all of your heart, knowing it’s for the highest good of all concerned, regardless of immediate outcome.
Being the bigger person truly is about “BEING”. It’s not just an idea to put on as temporary clothing to wear for the moment or day. It’s the skin you live in always and that takes a huge amount of surrendering to the peace only found within your heart.
It’s one of the hardest things to do, but the most rewarding.
I’ve learned that I simply don’t want, nor can afford, to put energy into things and experiences that no longer serve, and truly aren’t aligned with, what I’m guided to create from the essence of my natural frequency, as that not only affects my well-being, but my ability to be of greatest service for the highest good and to people who are also taking accountability in their lives.
Realizing where my time and energy would be better focused for that greater good supports embrace of Divine timing and flow of all things to take place, which creates that magickal alignment.
This also creates the basis for profound change that comes from within and stems from a more natural alignment with what is core to me, rather than a displacement of my desires to be in that alignment.
Like some of you, I have felt guided to withdraw physically from many things in order to actually be able to give more, which is through my own transmutation into who I am in essence.
This has involved, and will continue to involve, a lot of life readjustments, reorganization, review, and release, in order to focus on what is of most soul-benefit right now to be engaged with. It takes me on a journey through the shadows, as well as the light, so that I may bring a fuller depth of understanding to the choices I make and the creations that therefore will birth in greater wholeness.
One of my only outlets of connection, besides my work and personal life, is via this blog, where I share much of what feels important, inspiring, and creatively supportive to impart.
I share a lot of my personal journey whether literally or symbolically through my blog, as a means of support to others that I know go through similar experiences and might feel alone in that process, or like no one understands it.
It’s okay to change your mind, it’s okay to find new inspiration, and to admit you are feeling stifled even in the role others may respect and admire you for being in currently. This is a sign of growth and natural evolution. And as you let go of those “roles”, you are able to walk through new doorways of experience that provide the opportunities for expansive breath into new freedom that perhaps is less defined, but more expansively amorphous to what is energetically reflective of the nature of now.
I’m quite the shape-shifter that embraces change and I am willing to put that out there when it shows up, as I believe that change is the natural process of life and the one thing you can count on always being a part of it, whether you embrace it or not.
I’ve shared before that it has become increasingly important for me to shift gears and to let go of a lot of things that feel complete at this time in many areas of my life. This, in order to embody more of my essence and consciously create a new paradigm of experience I am called to, knowing that as I do so that it is the most responsible, accountable, and service related thing I can do by extension of BEING this.
This reflects in the expression of my creative life force/work I am called to do and also the life choices I make. So you HAVE seen, and WILL continue to see a lot of shifts in these regards from me.
For me, my original soul missions have and are coming to closure, which leaves me with expansive choices to make from a different essence place of myself. That is both exciting and can also invite much unknown that calls for greater courage, deeper trust, and full-on heart immersion, since this opens a wider realm of possibilities where things are revealed only moment to moment, as well as shift moment to moment.
That wasn’t quite the game before, as I did have foresight and an understanding of what I had set out to do. Now, I am really creating anew and in a state of reclaiming sovereign free will on a whole other level.
Much of what has been evolving for some of us in integration lives, is closure to a lot of what we originally set forth to accomplish, if in fact we’ve been doing the work. This has been happening increasingly since the last couple of years. And yet, in many ways, the realization of that hasn’t caught up for some, and in other ways some are caught in a perpetual, one-directional spiral, not realizing they have the ability to create a new spiral expanding out in many other directions.
And still yet for some, perhaps there is a place of comfort you’ve “arrived” at and are ceasing to stretch yourself into another level of evolution that has been nudging you.
Of course it’s well deserved to take a rest and break after much work I know many have been doing. But complacency and that sense of “arrival” you may have been pursuing, can be a hindrance not only to your own growth potentials, but to the collective at large.
Personally, I don’t feel okay with being complacent and just because I get to a place where I become really good at something I’ve been doing for a while and what people come to expect or connect me with, I know it is not for me to stay there, and to continue to step into another level to deepen and expand my experience, as well as to be of greatest service to others through that process and embodiment.
That may not be the case for everyone, but for me, this involves recognizing the time for allowing others to take over in some ways, and assisting them in that process to do so, and to move into another role of bridging things from the radiance of my “beingness”, which I nurture by supporting what is true to it.
Things are ready, and will become ready, BECAUSE of your willingness to release into more of who you are and into what seem like new realms, but truly are the most natural, core expressions of you.
In this way of opening to more possibilities and limitless expansion, you create doorways for others to access the same.
And this involves changing the inner landscape so that it is aligned with all that you hold dear, rather than focusing on the outer ideals you are trying to live up to, convince yourself you are reflecting, or feel compelled to project change ON to.
The inward journey of embodying who you really are in this moment, and bringing that forth, rather than trying to emulate what you feel you “need” to, or “should”, be doing – trying to come up with an idea that you try to fit yourself into – can be exasperating, draining, disappointing, and in the end will not produce the results you desire because they aren’t consistent with who you really are. This will be felt by others, whether consciously or subconsciously, and will also draw to you the energy that reflects this inner inconsistency.
It will also defeat your efforts to create change around you, as if you are not truly embodying that which you desire to see changed in others, you have already set yourself up for disappointment.
I believe that one of the greatest fears is to admit that we may not be who we really think we are. The same fear that others are demonstrating in not wanting to change in the ways you desire, is the fear within self that isn’t able to reconcile a similar inner discrepancy.
I think that what would be valuable to the process is a willingness to be honest with ourselves, to be open to honest feedback from others and their reflections of our inconsistency, and to be mindful of the type of energy we are putting out there.
I think a willingness to accept when it’s time to move into a new level of you is key and this can reflect in many ways, adding on dimensions and layers to what you currently do, or completely shifting into new aspects of yourself most currently reflective. I feel that the willingness to let go of control in any one area that we’ve attained or become good in, recognizing timing and how others are now capable and ready to step into those realms can be very beneficial. This will assist in living from true abundance and connection to your collective family, whom will be grateful for your honoring of their ability to step into their new roles you may be leaving.
I know there are times you may feel the need to be all things and master it all now, and yet we each have different and constantly evolving roles that are there to be honored throughout the course of our journeys, as well as carried out by others when we have a greater personal calling and better use of our gifts elsewhere. I’ve also seen the scarcity and ego mentality of people claiming certain attainments, that are unwilling to support others into their fullness or to help them to take over some of the positions they hold or may have held, as there is an attachment and fear not just of wanting to hold on to that status, but of fear to move into a new role where at first it will again be new in feeling and like starting from the bottom. This can all end up revealing a potential, false abundance mentality that has not yet truly been embodied.
Yet, if truth be known, in actuality the new role you release yourself into will be the most natural and most expansive you’ve experienced so far, if you can get past that old fear pattern that yes, is still hanging on, regardless of the conscious claims you make.
Because, let’s face it…it’s scary to move beyond something you know really well, right? But a little healthy fear is the catalyst for great change. It’s not the enemy…it’s indication of your desire for the new (or rather, indication of the more “you”), nudging you to get all your parts in alignment for the inevitable.
And imagine now, if you will, the people who are on their beginning phases of their more conscious journey, or in their own transitional phase into the next change, then.
Remember how it may have felt to you before you got to where you are now feeling very comfortable, and remember how you feel now if you in fact are being nudged out of your comfort zone to yet ANOTHER new leg of your evolutionary journey? When you remember this feeling, maybe you can then share a bit more compassion and let up on your desires to exert effort outside of yourself so that you’ll have more energy to put toward your own changes, which will reflect so beautifully for the people who will benefit from your desires and efforts embodied, rather than projected.
As one door closes, another opens…and the doors you close, are the opening doors for others, and vice versa. We are always in a connective process that triggers a collective domino effect. So when we make courageous choices to change, others are simultaneously ready and able to do the same.
Life is always an experience of wholeness….we are both leading and following, teachers and students, changing and awaiting change, fearing and desiring change…. at the same time. If you can stand in the place of acknowledgment, and detachment from identifying solely with any of these, then you can just be with the process naturally.
We each affect change and provide a catalyst for each other, but it stems from what is taking place within and then embodied, inside out. We are all on different journeys and different places along those journeys. Increasingly it is becoming important to act responsibly, consciously (awareness is power), and to be accountable for what you embody, as well as seek from within.
Make the changes that are true to you and not some idealized version of you, or as an act of defiance, or guilt. And if you don’t yet know what that is, then make a commitment to start listening more so you can hear the subtle voice of your truth amidst all the “noise”, which can be both obvious and not obvious.
“For those of you who have exited your cocoon, your new mantra is, “Change is not Fearful.” You have perhaps focused on either emotional or physical issues and now you are likely moving into the opposite to learn that change is not fearful – just a ‘new normal’. There will be a time when change will be perceived as joyful. But for now, you’re learning it just is.”…..
“Some of you wish to stop a bit and learn how to love yourself. That is fine and good. Love is key to new earth. But part of that self-love is accepting your shifts and those of others without many, if any, visible changes.
Perhaps you expect those of the light to have some sort of halo about them so that you can tag them as important to your transition. In searching for that halo, you have listened to that channel, meditated with that teacher and drifted from thought to thought – hoping this or that person is the one who would anoint you as of the light. Just as your parents once told you that you reached certain stages in your life by allowing you more freedoms and responsibility.
You look for parents or community members to tell you that you are growing, shifting, changing. When in truth, they know as little as you do about this shift. There is no guru or parent to give you the parameters of the new you – there is only you.”
This post is inspired by a beautiful friend of mine, so many others in similar situations, and even myself from the past.
She is an amazingly strong young woman who is always giving of her heart and has been taking care of everyone since she was a little girl and is now feeling lost, depleted, and on the verge of breaking. And that breaks my heart to know.
I hear from many clients and people I know about their heavy “responsibilities” that are the focus of their life currently. So many have been taking care of themselves and others for a good portion of their lives for one reason or another, or have felt the need to put their lives on hold because they had to take care of everyone else first. Sometimes this may be sick family members, younger siblings, family or friends that are in challenged time periods in their lives, and sometimes this may be the ideas like “I can only do what I want once I have “x” amount of money, get the job I desire, the house I want”, or any number of other “things” we “think” that we need first in order to have the peace of mind desired.
I feel that peace of mind will come when you have peace of heart…and that stems from going within and taking care of yourself, listening to and nurturing YOUR needs, asking yourself what YOU desire, providing yourself the space and self honor and respect to feel what you’ve been pushing aside for so long in order to endure and carry on with the heavy load of responsibilities you have been carrying out.
And then doing something about it today.
I do understand how challenging and emotional it can be to see loved ones go through pain in any way. It’s really hard not to want to be there in all ways and help them. And yet there is a fine line of balance we have forgotten. We are either all or nothing it seems with things. We seem to intellectually “get” that we can’t change others and we can’t help anyone if they don’t want help. And we seem to understand how we also aren’t being of the highest benefit and support if we haven’t yet learned how to take care of the same exact needs they reflect to us about ourselves.
But we just can’t seem to mesh mind, with heart, with actions. Things get stuck and lost in the reasoning, suspended there as an “idea”, but never translates into actualization.
What good is it to have the thoughts, if you aren’t able to walk in their shoes and fill the empty space they are simply holding?
It can be tough to turn inward and create healthy boundaries for ourselves especially when we see and feel pain all around us, but the pain is also within us…pain that yearns for our self love. And when we listen and support that, we are actually being of most support and responsible service to others.
On last week’s’retreat, one of the guests was in a similar situation, as the young woman I mentioned above. She, too, takes care of her father and has been heavily weighed with “responsibilities”, duties, being overloaded, and unable to think straight on what she wants for herself. She shared that it was very hard to walk away and go on the retreat and she almost cancelled at the last minute, but she knew she just had to or she would break…and if that happens she is also of no benefit to her father or anyone else for that matter – including herself. She had some very close calls in her life that were clearly messaging her that the time was now to take care of herself and her path’s needs.
I’m happy to share that she emerged from the week saying it was the answer to her prayers, feeling renewed and able to see with fresh eyes and get out of her head to make changes when she returned home. She added that the trip “has forever changed me…I feel the dance again and am fully embracing it!”
We often think we have to take care of everyone and are responsible for things, then we end up either in a victim or martyr role, completely deteriorating and the people we thought we were trying to help still have the experiences that they do regardless of how much we keep giving to them. It’s very loving of us to want to help and take care of others, but I have to wonder, when will it be time to take care of you?
I see people have recurring illnesses, “accidents”, challenges, and blocks the more they keep taking care of everyone else and I ask them if they are nurturing themselves in any way, which usually is answered with a “no, I don’t have time for that”, or “I’d like to, but first I need to make sure of this or that and that everyone else is okay.”
The highest gift and service we can provide is by being an example to others and loving and nurturing ourselves into wholeness. Then we are able to truly hold that space of wholeness for our loved ones and others to step into theirs if they so choose. As well as, are able to truly help because our supply of well being is abundant and constantly renewing. We become empowered to empower others, rather than enabling.
I believe we create our experiences by the choices we make and the perspectives we choose to embrace. There will always be something else that will delay us, as long as we agree to that.
Make today YOUR day to choose differently. Life will reflect the empowerment and love you embody.