I won’t be blogging on my birthday, which is this Monday 2/26, so I thought I’d share some thoughts in a post, today, on this nine year anniversary of Joy’s arrival into my life – one of the greatest birthday gifts to date! Although age is meaningless to the eternal spirit, it IS interesting to reflect on all of the judgments and ideas we have around age, which also deters people from humanly acknowledging it, as well as determines life protocol for many to try to reverse it or even speed it up. Although, I’ve never taken issue to stating my age, I have been guilty of all of these things in my past.
In fact, rather than be afraid of or feel protective of my age to the degree of feeling it is no one’s business, I was quite the opposite, where I was adamant to share my age because I could feel the judgments of others upon me and my insecurity around that to blast through their ideas about me. In part, this was my own projection, but being an intuitive, it was largely in response to knowing what people were thinking, and wanting to nip that in the bud immediately.
I recall having meaningful conversations with people in my past and knowing by my outside appearance and things they alluded to, like asking what school I was going to (when in fact I was way past high school and college age) and the way they looked at me in a protectively patronizing way, that they weren’t taking me seriously. Coming from a past of “feeling the need to prove myself” anyway, this of course was my perfect experience called up to move through that.
But, at the time, it just made me want to blurt out how old I was because I knew the connotations attached to age that obviously I was buying into, too, as a sensitive and boundary-less Pisces. So, rather than hide my age, I wore it on my sleeve. And perhaps that might run deeper than simply this, as I also knew the ancient aspects of spirit and to come back again on Earth, starting all over, might even feel demeaning.
Although I know it is a gift and meaningful choice, now, there would definitely have been unconscious anger or resentment over incarnating – an experience locked deep in our DNA, I feel, as a whole, for many reasons.
And so, there I was fighting back with announcing my age, to appease my feelings that not only in fact what I had to say was meaningful and important, but my incarnating here had purpose I was trying to remind myself with this declaration.
I’m not sure if I’m conveying this in the depth of potency it has, but in realizing and understanding this, it made a huge shift and got more parts of myself aligned and on board, rather than having an internal fight against myself, which only adds to the depletion of self love and creates more fragmenting and less empowerment.
The greatest battle and ongoing war, is truly the one within and I believe it stems from so much subconscious anger at our humanness.
And this made sense, as I always felt more inhuman and thus laid ahead a journey of merging and a return to natural harmony.
Then there was the young me wishing I was older and wanting to race through the years as fast as I could because I not only knew my younger years would be the hardest, but I also soulfully knew it wasn’t until later, in my mid-forties, that I would find my peace and really start “living.” A cruel form of intuitive vision when you know you STILL have to go through the years to get there. Yet, I wanted to escape, as much as I knew I couldn’t.
And still yet, there was the me who bought into these ideas of physically reversing age. Mind you, not in any fanatical way, but I was aware of ways in which one could “look” their best and all of those catch phrases even in the spiritual community that are about longevity, reversing the clock, ways one “should” look or how life should look if you are “ascending,” and what you “should” be able to do and accomplish if you are in fact turning back the sands of time.
I still marvel at this messaging and collective-buy-into, today, and although I understand aging is not a spiritual attribute, we are still on a three dimensional planet, we do still have individual journeys that are not measured by a certain amount of time we need to be here, and we are still judging what something looks like and associating it with living a life that’s “less than” if in fact it doesn’t fit into what collectively we see as “ideal” and “vibrant”. Just another form of self-abuse masked as spiritual enlightenment.
Are there things you can do to reverse physical appearance? Sure, but if in fact you are healthy, happy, and aligned in your expression of you, why then does that matter here on Earth?
If I want to have silver hair or wrinkles, why does that automatically mean I’m deficient? Or that there’s something wrong? I am still part human, and that part isn’t necessarily what I’ve chosen to walk in forever. Perhaps these indicate my true eternal quality? Why is there only one way to characterize this or see it?
There isn’t just one way, and I feel that the faster we open ourselves to multiple perspectives and possibilities, the faster we will free ourselves into a more grace-filled way of being and come into our multi-dimensionality.
Why do I bring this up?
Well, for one, I feel that vulnerability and transparency are powerful and key things to bring forth into our lives in greater frequency right now. Something I just shared yesterday on my Facebook feed with these reflections:
Everything points to going deeper into our hearts and connecting through them, with these as the guiding forces. The more we nurture these within, the more we encounter empowered embodiment, authentic experiences, connections, clarity, and alignment in our manifestations. And, the less we encounter triggers, hidden surprises, and forced change or reaction to what is revealed in the collective environment.
I feel that being vulnerable and transparent isn’t so much about allowing everything to bombard us as it pleases, but involves also a healthy balance of knowing and exercising our boundaries. This isn’t about hiding or repressing ourselves, however, but about knowing how to say “no” and not allowing certain frequencies to shift our own. Being openly expressive is not draining in this vein, but empowering and helps increase vitality. What is draining is when we fight our true expression or are having to deal with unwanted energies. Vulnerability and transparency is being willing to share the truth in our hearts and this helps others not to be afraid to do the same too. Fear around this is draining our energy, as we use so much of it to hide, worry, or create walls, which inhibit our gifts to shine through.
We can all shine, regardless of age, physical appearance, the list of accomplishments you have, or the things you own in your life.
The way I’ve discovered doing this is to live life out loud and to “create life as a work of art” – my motto.
I share the photo above, as it is the most recent photo of me (a week old) that reflects a much more peaceful, harmonious, grounded, embodied, softer, more secure, gently joyful, balanced, and creatively passionate me.
Vibrant bursts of color reflect my soul song frequency and inspire creativity to bubble through. Perhaps it’s the artist me or perhaps I’m simply inspired by Nature and how she exudes life force in every shade of beauty possible. Her blossoming myriad of expressions sing of love.
She is a woman of my heart and the only example I take to heart of how to live in the grace of being.
I love that now I have no emotional trigger or any tiny weirdness around my human expression and emanation of my spirit.
I will still always have resonance to otherworlds, but no longer need to prove that, nor anything else about my being here the way I choose to show up, as once my younger Earthly self felt she needed to do.
Merging embrace of my multi-dimensional self allows me the ability to enjoy each different aspect for what ever they are and however I am choosing to express them, without attachment.
They are ALL me and as the artist me, and using the power of creative love through me, I know their intrinsic beauty and value in the spiral of consciousness.
I now walk this reality as alive as ever, because it is my canvas to create in the reflection of my essence and my playground for exploration and total freedom of how I want to share that in any given moment.
Although chronological age is not important, the numerology factor is still interesting and revealing to explore.
45 is a combination of the energy of 4, 5 and their combined total of 9.
4 builds solidity and stability, foundations for self and others, draws forth passion and drive together for achieving success (whatever that means to you), and 5 adds personal freedom, adventure, creativity, courage to explore unknowns, letting imagination go free, versatility, major life shifts through lessons learned, while 9 brings things full circle, adds patience, intuition, soul mission, inner strength, sense of personal responsibility, humanitarianism, global focus, living and leading by example, and spiritual enlightenment.
These feel to be the energies I’m integrating at this time of my life and the foundations of where I am and where I’m headed.
I read that 45, numerologically, has a focus on putting your efforts and energy towards the things in your life that enhance and fully embody who you truly are – from the smallest of things to the largest of things – what we surround ourselves with, what we wear even, the things we focus on and are working on bringing into the world, and our lifestyle choices and overall life in general. It’s also about really putting things into full-embodied action so results manifest, keeping focused, and integrating a more pragmatic way to be a guiding force.
I’m also going to be igniting a 12/3 year come my birthday and this speaks to the creative rebirth taking place for me, an inner calling surfaced, release from all karmic ties, and everything coming together in my life story as I reach a significant stage on my journey.
So, while I may have been wanting to fast forward things in my younger years, I can understand why that visionary part of me was looking forward to now, as this truly is the most full-circle time of my time here on Earth – this life and aspect of my multi-dimensional self – and the most peace-filled.
There is peace no matter what today or tomorrow brings, as there is peace right here and now in my heart.
My new thing in recent years has been to gift myself birthday gifts to not only celebrate the new energy with supportive things that light up my heart, but to celebrate all that I’ve gone through to be here.
This year seemed to start a few months early, as truly wonderful birthday gifts were received from friends, loved ones, and family far before now, and some incredible surprises along the way that truly touched my heart.
So many of them were rabbit-focused and went along with the theme of my Wonderland office, with Alice in Wonderland fun.
My favorite gifts-to-self include the colorful, handmade shawl you see me wearing in the photo, two necklaces (including an incredibly magickal rabbit and a powerful “origins” and DNA activator), another gorgeous Faery book (I gifted myself one last year too), a custom made pen (for the writer me), a custom made wand (for the ancient me), and a “crown” chakra headpiece I’ve had intention of for years, but took until now to draw in the perfect one. Seems appropriate.
I don’t have any particular plans this year on my birthday, so we’ll see what intuitively and organically shows up, but we will be embarking on a super fun adventure March 7th – 17th, which feels to be my birthday journey of origins and more.
We’ll be heading to Arizona, first spending 3 days with Dave’s family in Tucson and then heading up to the Grand Canyon to meet up with our sweet friends you’ve heard me mention in past Summer posts – KC, aka Bean, and Clint, aka Happy. My Faery and Elf friends who returned my two giant quartz to their momma after my foot fracture and who took me on a Cirrus G6 private flight over Lake Tahoe.
From there, we head into the GC for an epic trekking and camping adventure, to introduce the energy and magick of this realm to us. Well, more me, because Dave has been inside of the GC before, but I haven’t. I’ve only explored the rim. Nor have I ever done this kind of trek, as I only camped a tiny bit when I was a little girl. Our adventures have been limited, but oh-so not limiting, to the Magick Bus RV living.
But come March, Bean and Happy (who will be working in the GC starting a week after our adventure, are GC experts, and love her inside and out) will be sharing her with us through their eyes, as we venture into her mysteries for several days. This will be an intro only, as we couldn’t do a super long trek this go-around, so more will definitely have to come once we sink our feet into the Earth here.
The reason I said this will be a journey of origins and more has to do with the ancient Earth here and the energy, which I know will be activating for me and synchronizes with my origins theme, because apparently there are hidden Egyptian temples that predate Egypt by 7000 years tucked safely away in the canyon walls for only certain eyes to see (this info coming to me all at once from several sources). Regardless of actually seeing them, the energy will be there and this connects more dots with why I felt so compelled to go on this trip, why it fell into place so seamlessly (including super challenging permits they were able to get for us for it), and ties into that Africa energy (which I’ve had more interesting dots light up with other connections too, since those posts).
A “Grand” birthday/new year/kick off indeed!
However, the greatest gift is this storybook year for me, and that my book’s completion and manifestation is close at hand and along with writing it, I’m writing a new reality into being from my heart.
I’m so grateful for every chapter of this story of life and that you have all been willing to colorfully show up and play in it with me, through the fun and challenge, and through the mystery and adventure of it all.
Let today be a reminder of love being the most powerful force and transmutational energy that can change your life and experience of it. This isn’t isolated to one day a year, but available always. It’s so easy not to be vulnerable to love and allow a hardening around our hearts to taint us. But as easily as we can stop the flow, we can also start choosing to release that tension and allow natural harmony to wash over, in, through, and around us once again. And as you ponder love’s healing power and the many ways there might be past injuries to the heart still guiding your life, remember that the greatest healing love starts with loving yourself. It is from that place within that everything else will be a reflection of or perspective of.
Try saying “I love you!” at least ten times to yourself today, as you look yourself in the eyes through a mirror. Add a good self hug in there too. You deserve it.
Then try doing this each day until you break down the barriers around your heart, release what’s under those closed doors to heal, and the painful tears turn to joyous tears, as you come to see the beauty of your spirit truly for the first time.
If you don’t have a loved one to share today with, good news. The best friend and lover is yourself. Do something sweet and generous for you. Whatever that may be that speaks to your heart. Simple or big, it doesn’t matter. Just do it and indulge in self nurturing. Your spirit, heart, body, mind, and soul will thank you.
The first day of February is a special day, as it will always be Nestor’s day of birth (my twin soul and rabbit companion) here on this Earth plane and back with me in this life. This is such a creative month ignited by today’s celebrations of also being “Imbolc, Candlemas, Groundhog’s Day and St. Bridget’s Day,” and it’s a special month for me sharing a birthday in February alongside my brother, both of my grandparents from France on my mom’s side that are no longer with us (including my favorite grandpa who nurtured the artist me), several dear friends with close birthdays to mine and even sharing the same day as me. Today also kicks off Lee’s new Energy Update for the month of February and feels to be the month I’ll be complete with editing my new book to ready it for the next stage.
Rabbits are reflections of growth, rebirth, awareness, harmony, abundance, creativity, fertility, vulnerability, and Mother Earth’s changing seasons. So Nestor is a powerful way-shower of these energies, as we kick start this new month of February possibilities and leap into the energies available.
Peace and visionary awakening are the themes Lee speaks of hitting the collective big time this month in his new Energy Update video below. He calls this a “high month and cosmic month” in terms of energy available and what is possible for everyone. That feels resonant to me and certainly to Nestor. 🙂
Lee points out and reiterates that action is required for us all and that’s not just about “out there,” but “in here,” inside of you. Not a new message, but definitely needed to keep repeating.
If you’re suffering or tired of the ups and downs, even if you are being of service to others, then it’s time to turn that action on to you and balance these out – fuel yourself!
This isn’t self-indulgence, but a way to show up more in the world the way you desire to and the way to keep your wellspring abundant for the giving and receiving.
Consistency and congruency in life is key – inside out reflections of life lived as an example. I can’t reiterate that enough, as well, as I have seen SO much of this inconsistency blowing up on people lately, especially in prominent positions who speak and represent one message, but behind the scenes are acting out a completely different lifestyle that is like a separate reality.
Self-care increasingly is being the message to us all and really taking care of what is not consistent for you and what is lingering and continuing to spiral around and around.
Nestor was always a great reflector for me of what I was missing and needed to take care of within myself. And she continues to be a daily reminder in my heart, keeping me on track and not straying from my own need for balanced consistency.
Today she would have been 15 and unbelievably it’s already nearly 10 years since she returned to the Cosmos. And yet, her presence is everywhere and disseminated into every part of my life, so that I see a reminder when needed or simply to reflect love.
Make February a month for self-love and this will assist turning around those challenges you have been experiencing and that have been beckoning for your attention.
Be as You Truly Are ~ You Haven’t Lost Your Passion or Path, You Simply Can Choose to Dance & Sing Again
A little feather mandala with 11 that I found yesterday, encircling an orange calcite heart for New Moon in Aries … Stirring the fire within to unleash your most transformative expression that wisely harnesses your creative and courageous spark of truest nature and embodiment.
One might ask themselves:
How can I create more balance and harmony in the giving and receiving of energy?
What values call to my heart most?
Do I experience frustration due to unrecognized opportunity, limiting perspective, and lack of self love?
There is potential for more integrity of self-expression and recognizing your natural beingness as you truly ARE.
I recently had a dream about a small magickal creature I was given from the Netherlands and it rested in my hands and then gave me a bite on my fingers, although without the intent to hurt and it didn’t, nor did it bleed, but I knew it was getting my attention. There isn’t a creature that looks just like what I saw in the dream, but the word pygmy and vole came to mind…I did discover there are pygmy shrews and field voles in the Netherlands.
I’ve made several connections to the entirety of the dream for myself and the connections of awareness it drew me too, but also while later looking into this animal’s symbolism, I was struck by something I read about vole that coincides with this New Moon energy and felt to share it too for the collective.
It shared how vole teaches about awareness to what is going on all around you with both sensitivity and alertness, but also simply teaches about expressing your nature, naturally, which comes through feeling and listening to your intuition with loving trust.
They also carry an energy and growth potential in embracing the learning around nature’s expression of both destruction and rebirth. So in essence, asking you to look at what needs to change or that you feel could use shifting in your life and then by listening you’ll be shown how to harness those changes with vole’s help.
And synchronous to my dream, voles teach us how to “sink our teeth into” the things we’re wanting to create…in essence showing us how to harness the visions and ideas with creative tenacity so we can make them productive and actualized.
There is so much angst and frustration out there around worrying about not being on path, searching, yearning, seeking out guidance to what exactly you “should” be doing, holding onto the belief there must be some idealized version and bigness around an end result of what this looks like, and coming up short on these expectations placed on it all by self and the messaging out there.
Interestingly, at the same time you worry and search, you are also avoiding the feelings inside, your intuitive messaging, those subtle or sometimes loud nudges, are self-sabotaging with conditioned beliefs, ingenious inner dialogue, and avoidance tactics, or even creating every obstacle and energy drain on yourself, otherwise.
Yet, what it boils down to is a need to surrender to what IS right now.
Who you ARE this moment.
The intelligence within you ALREADY.
You miss the opportunities every moment to just be YOU and bring through the creative vitality that stirs within your spirit and heart.
There isn’t a perfect outcome you need to strive for.
You simply need to choose to walk in the frequency of your vibration right now and how ever that leads you, IS exactly what you are here to do.
Don’t wait for some perfect answer or precise conclusion to your quest.
Give up the quest and realize the truth of your journey that is a step-by-step unfolding of you being you.
The more in touch we are with our feelings and the voice within, the more we know exactly what it is in each moment that would be the best possible use of our breath here on Earth. And that may be much more simple than you were led to believe, although without devising it, could very well turn into something much bigger.
But don’t judge what is and isn’t extraordinary or how if you only do “this,” you aren’t doing enough.
If you truly are embracing your spirit’s song and commit to expressing its voice in each experience you have, then you will come to experience the peace and harmony you seek…the next notes will become clear…and naturally you’ll have a symphony at work with your instrument in sync with the the collective orchestra.
I find that people create inertia because they dwell too much on the ideas rather than the feelings moving through. I’ve been there too.
You have and always will be messaged by your inner voice to where would most be in resonance and alignment to your vibrational expression.
We simply don’t listen and listening, nurturing, and supporting that voice is more key than how things need to look, as when we cultivate that, we naturally will be doing and being our best possible version in each ever-expanding and evolving moment.
So it won’t be about what big thing you “should” be doing, but truly about embodying your own bigness through being.
The less we listen and support that innate knowingness, is where we come up against the challenges.
And that inner voice will tell us when making changes would be much more supportive to our life and everyone’s lives we touch.
I recently went through this in a big way, myself, before we went on our Magick Bus journey and made the changes that were key to my spirit’s expression in order to thrive here or elsewhere.
If you feel a loss of passion, it’s not because you don’t have any or you need to discover your passion, you simply need to tune back into you, as somewhere along the line a door was closed on your feelings and the connection and love didn’t receive the nurturing that other things instead did. The nature of you doesn’t go away, it simply awaits remembering and dancing with once again.
And yes, that does become important, if in fact you desire to live from that purity of your natural vitality more and find yourself frustrated and tormented all the time.
Loss of passion may also speak to your completing a cycle on your spiral of life and rather than continuing to repeat patterns that keep you stuck, or drag you backwards like a whirpool, you simply need to get on the next spiral and create anew, integrating ingredients to bring forth continual alchemy of being.
Take an honest, deep, intimately vulnerable look within yourself and ask the really important questions. You’ll discover what the true “block” is to your having the very thing you say you desire…or in essence, to being more of who you really ARE.
It’s a very interesting journey we experience in our lives.
No right or wrong, nor timeframe. However, if you are feeling miserable or frustrated, that may very well be indication to try another way.
When we more actively engage ourselves as the truly empowered partners in co-creation, we can discover how to work with the alchemy latent within each of us to create.
How things evolve will be a beautiful spiraling of your nature unfolding her or his exquisite petals.
If you are feeling a squeeze on yourself, uninvigorated, and like you are suffocating, or ready to burst, then your spirit is messaging you to go bigger, expand, express, bring forth and wisely channel what is burning within.
If uninspired, this is your chance to choose to recreate yourself and do something that moves you, feels invigorating, and keeps your imagination and creativity engaged. Start inviting and bringing forth new elements to your life that stimulate newness and fresh perspectives to keep you thriving and challenge you to go beyond yesterday’s ideas and version of yourself.
That doesn’t always mean it has to be a huge outward change, but may simply be about inviting more of the little tweaks and perspectives to your current experience that inspire a natural unfolding from there.
You have the ability to choose completely new right now and to create something different, something more, but ultimately more you this moment.
This doesn’t need to be a do or die situation, but about really feeding your spirit’s song without any constraints on should’s and should not’s, nor about following patterns…but carving a new way that is more resonant aligned to you in the flow of energy streaming through that is simultaneously abound.
I feel that as long as we continue to touch in with ourselves, invite, and put into action ways to challenge ourselves to expand our capacity for creative expression and move into new areas of personal passion moving through us with expanding courage, we will find our lives enriched and continuing to unfold in amazing ways.
You are an intuitive being whether you think you are, or not.
When you reteach yourself to trust what you’re feeling and relax into a more peaceful state of presence, then you can be more mindful, discerning, and understanding of how to navigate the energy streams in healthy partnership of heart and mind where unnecessary risks, but invigorating challenge will meet in your always being exactly where your spirit desires.
Giving to Yourself Supports Greater Giving to Others ~ Ways I Gifted Myself for My Birthday that Create Greater Alignment & Vitality
In a world of challenging energies, heaviness, and spiraling dynamics, I like to focus (of course without denial or suppression that other realities exist) on ways of creating new realities, embodying greater personal peace, inspiring others, engaging creative energy, activating more personal empowerment, bringing a sense of solace and safe haven, or sprinkling a bit of magick, innocence, and joy where all hope feels lost.
You may recall my post from a couple of weeks back, Embodying & Emanating Essence ~ How I’m Integrating Holistic Being On Every Level, where I mentioned making literal outer changes and taking actions to align with my inner shifts, as a way to fully activate and move into that new experience and space in greater embodiment of wholeness. I mentioned some of the ways, and with my birthday approaching, I also gifted myself a few special things to reflect that as well.
My favorite birthday was two years ago when I went on my epic Iceland trip. And while I’m not going anywhere on my birthday itself this year, I decided that a few very special gifties were needed!
I find it incredibly important to support and nurture ourselves, as we often are doing that only in the “giving out to others” mode, rather than ever thinking of that giving including an outflow to us too. And when we actually do so, we are completing that circle of giving and receiving that is necessary and healthy. Not to mention, in these challenging times, taking care of yourself, loving yourself, being extra gentle with yourself, and doing special things for yourself go a long way.
This doesn’t have to be anything extravagant….it can simply be giving yourself an hour a day or each week just to yourself, making yourself a special meal, taking a bath, walking in nature, taking yourself on a date, getting yourself flowers, saving up for that thing you’ve always wanted by putting aside a little at a time just for you, telling yourself you love yourself, committing to creating boundaries that support you, or buying that special something “just because” or that you’ve longed for.
So this year I decided on three special gifts for myself, since I’ve been saving to be able to invest in my dreams, my joys, and long-term goals for my path I’m working on being able to share in the near future. Since I already devote lots of time for me now and have created a more balanced life than I ever had, which includes nature immersion on a regular basis, I felt some gifts on an alignment basis were in order.
Since I’m an artist of life and by heart, I tend to do everything creatively and to live that out loud as a form of creative power in expression, as well as a celebration and reverence for the temple body and physical life we ALSO are blessed to experience as humans.
Hence, my tattoos, which embody spiritual significance, healing integration, and potent personal expression.
This year’s gifts, however, included a new hairstyle to match the essence of me, some quartz crystal singing bowls I’d been considering for a while and got confirmation that now was the timing, and a very magickal, treasure-of-a-book collector’s item to take me into the realms of my imagination and truest being.
So, after trimming 4 inches of “old energy” off of my hair a few weeks back and to match my “highlights from the Fae” – silver gray streaks strategically growing in naturally, and to honor my desire to not color my hair in any way anymore so that it can do its thing and reveal my true and ancient “roots,” as well as support me into my own “Nature,” I decided on a non-intrusive, creative, magickal, enhancement.
This included adding extensions to match a dream I had and visions that kept coming to me over the last few months of this look from another me self, off-world, which just so happened to also mirror a long-ago brief style I had for one very Aquarian Age, Cosmic modeling shoot I did.
It just so happened that I was now back near where my old hair stylist I used to go to when I lived in Lake Tahoe and Reno many years ago, was still working at the same salon there. She also just happens to have a little girl who was born on my birthday. 😉
I discussed my desire, shared some photos, and poof! Two days ago on Valentine’s Day (that wasn’t planned, but aligned time-wise to reinvigorate a new meaning for this day than its roots), it happened.
Briefly, she added smoky platinum extensions that would enhance and work with my silver gray streaks at the top and have both a natural and ethereal quality to compliment the Cosmic and magickal energy I wanted to create and embody more of, while still having this ancient Earth feel.
It’s hard to capture in photos, as the color and look of the hair shifts in different lighting and with movement, but there are long streaks here and there from top to bottom and in the front, with about 4 inches of extra length along the ends to create contrast and creative flow.
The look shifts, depending on what I wear, but ultimately it is very Faery, but also mirrors my star “roots,” ancient Earth embodiments, and even some Native Indian influence that is key for me too.
Anyway, what I have discovered is immediately it shifted how I felt, including a deepening into myself and even more peace, and joy, as well as alignment with the reality I’m creating.
And because of the shifts, I also saw that another wardrobe purge would need to happen, as some of the things I have just no longer mesh with this energy. Energy is so interesting to experience with both subtle and big changes, making it clear what resonates and what doesn’t. Makes for easier choices overall!
Out with the old and in with the new!
But on to birthday gift number two to self. This was in support of how sound has become a pervading element and integral thread to my life through my voice, song, sound channeling, music, sound healing, and more.
And so I was drawn to the perfect quartz crystal singing bowls for me. I’d felt some may come for a while now, although before hadn’t been drawn to them, but was never the right time. Then a few months ago these showed up and they became one of my early birthday gifts to myself.
I originally thought I’d only be getting one, but it became perfectly clear that a pair was the aligned perfection for my desires, intents, and frequencies I wanted to create, support, and emanate with them.
This led me to a 432hz binaural beat theta wave pair of A-note 9 inch bowls – talk about potent balancing and invoking conscious dream, receptivity and opening a gateway to all things watery.
Some info about these:
“Alpha brain waves are present in deep relaxation with the eyes usually closed and while day-dreaming. The relaxed detached awareness achieved during light meditation is characteristic of Alpha and is optimal for programming your mind for success. Alpha heightens your imagination, visualization, memory, learning and concentration. It lies at the base of your conscious awareness and is the gateway to your subconscious mind. The voice of Alpha is your intuition, which becomes clearer and more profound the closer you get to 7.5Hz. Alpha Brain Waves (8 to 12 cycles per second) This brain wave indicates a relaxed state of mind, a state of relaxed alertness, good for inspiration and learning facts fast. In this meditative mind state we tap into internal “antenna” like qualities, visions, powerful ideas, mindless creation of the incredible, internal feeling & sensations. Studies have shown that learning in Alpha State enhances the performance of students. It also develops the interest of studies in students more than they have ever learned in tense environment. Frequent gaps of 2 to 3 minutes after every 30-minute study period relaxes their minds and the alpha state will prove its efficiency with great ease and fun. But learning is more than just absorbing information, so changing the state of mind to operate Beta, Alpha and Theta is most likely to produce the best learning, cognition and creativity, while also staying in a relaxed state. Alpha is the brain wave associated with relaxed, daydreaming states of mind; it’s a state of relaxed, detached awareness. Many people are “in alpha” while watching TV. Alpha is often called a “hypnogogic” state because you may experience spontaneous mental imagery.”
I love them and they are perfect for creating that balance and return to natural harmony. I’m enjoying exploring more and more and combining them with my own sound, tibetan bowl, and my chakra drum, which was a gift to myself almost two years ago, to see what I can tap into and activate!
Then we come to my third gift to self, which was cool on timing of when it got into my hands, as it couldn’t be sent to a P.O. Box, which is what we have, so I had it sent to my parent’s house and it just so happened to arrive right before we visited them two days ago. So, right after my hair appointment we went to my parent’s for a pre-birthday dinner celebration and I was able to see it for the first time and then take it home.
A little about this book, which I posted on my social media shares:
This incredible body of work wrapped up in an equally exquisite masterpiece of highest quality and creatively passionate delivery is the most magickal book I now own. I’ve been so excited to receive it, as it is one of my birthday gifts to myself by this multi-faceted, award winning British fine art photographer, Kirsty Mitchell who also has a background in fashion design and costume making. The story behind the book and each image is so beautiful and poignant… Dedicated to her mother who passed from cancer in 2008, the project took 7 years to come to fruition through her dedication and love and some costumes and props for just one shot taking up to 6 months to create. The name of the book speaks for itself, taking you through dream worlds that reflect memories of the stories her mother used to read to her as a child, now brought to life – a way to make fantasy real and to step into it completely. The book is a personal journey and includes each image’s story and behind the scenes. This book is huge and beautifully embossed! – 4.5 pounds and almost 15″ x 11 1/2″ x 2 1/4″ with several shots of each scene – some with fold out pages. I’m in love!
This book felt like the perfect companion to my new hair that helped me step into those otherworlds I now felt more in aligned frequency with. And perfect as to the reality I want and am creating – life created as art, the magickal made practical, Earth and Cosmos merged, dreams manifested…..
I know I live life by the beat of my own drum, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. And like I always say, if I’m happy and not hurting anyone, and potentially spreading a little inspiration, joy, creative support, or magickal pixie dust fun along the way, then I think that’s an enhancement I can contribute to the collective and not a detrimental one.
I’ve learned that whether simple or more extravagant (it doesn’t matter), self-nurturing and investing time, energy, and/or resources in yourself, your healing, your growth, your business, and your dreams and passions, really make a difference in having more vitality, clarity, potency, and drive to fulfill your path and have more to give to others from a richly authentic place of who you really are.
I no longer feel depleted, resentful, or in lack because of the things I’ve implemented to take care of myself and have more balance and equality in my life with input and output. I don’t rely on others for things I want or that make me happy and healthy. And I don’t feel any lack because success and joy isn’t measured by needing certain returns, but knowing I’m doing everything I can right now to support my well being and in turn, highest good by the way I then can connect with others without attachments of any kind.
Those moments, however brief, where the stillness of a quiet happiness pervades your inner sanctum, is like a sweet fragrance completely engulfs you and permeates your aura. These are the moments you cease longing of any kind and are in complete presence of contentment, just as you are, here and now. Most of the time, most everyone seems to be in the process of “becoming” – a process that is never-ending in its pursuit. To become successful, to become accomplished, to become well-known, to become complete, to become a healer, to become a doctor, to become certified or degreed, to become a published author, to become a business owner, to become an athlete, to become a musician, to become an artist, to become a mother, to become a father, to become a friend or lover, to become excited over hurdles conquered, to become sad over losing someone or feeling defeated….to become.
In all of this, “now” has been forgotten and does not exist. So many what if’s, but, striving, excuses, and denial of what actually is….who you are. Life exists in the shadows of becoming.
There are no what if’s…there’s only right now.
Self acceptance is a stranger, as nothing seems to mean anything until and unless you get all of the above. Then, and only then, you think you’ll love and accept who you are.
But this is an illusion. It’s all devised to keep you away from your true power….to love yourself.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with growth and continuing to embrace new parts of your evolution.
There’s nothing wrong with saying you’re following divine timing and aligning with the flow of energy.
But these can all be very ingenious self sabotaging ways to make up excuses to be and do you in this moment.
I’m all for listening to signs and not acting rash or being late on making moves, but I think this “it’s not the right timing thing” has been over-used and over-abused by us all, especially “light workers” as is a term often used by some.
I simply don’t accept it as the truth anymore. As, truly there isn’t a wrong choice to be you right now. Where ever that leads is exactly where you need to be.
Could it avoid something or get us there faster? Sure, but it might also just be perfect right now.
If I had done things different in the past then I wouldn’t be me now, but if I had done things differently in those moments I’d also be exactly where I’m supposed to be and perhaps be in an equally beautiful and amazing, but different, experience of the now.
I don’t feel any of it is wrong or right, or better or worse.
Timing might just be another “becoming”.
Nothing is ever going to be enough if you’re not enough and embraced as complete in this moment, no matter what choices you make or what you do now.
Longing will be your best friend, if life is focused on becoming, and all of life will be a longing for something and you’ll leave this life still longing and find out in the end that your best friend really made you feel quite lonely.
The idea of becoming can be a life-line and mask for some…an excuse even. Some people thrive on having something always to strive to become and feel empty if there’s nothing, so they look for the next fix for becoming.
All the while this becoming is a detour away from self. Although you think it is supporting you, it is actually distracting you from the power you have at the center of your being right now.
You fear that center because it is empty of your love.
You work at becoming to feed that love, but you find out that all of this becoming is like a grand feast in celebration of the dead, not the living. And when you discover yourself alone gorging on this feast, it will be a greater terror than admitting right now that you are afraid to just be you.
You are afraid that you’re not enough and yet you’ve always been and always will be better than enough….Create more moments of that quiet contentment within yourself and know that all that you desire to be, is already right there within you, as desires are simply projections for us to recognize the brilliance we embody.
Then embrace each choice and action from that stillness of peace and everything you do will always be in divine alignment.
~ Inspired by an excerpt from a recent book I read, Star Woman, that felt important to share and so this is a paraphrasing and personal inspiration of these words.
This year I’ve been enjoying gifting myself Christmas gifts both in tangible and symbolic form, as gratitude for the courage I’ve embraced to be myself in a world that challenges that and with love for all the dramatic changes I honored and surrendered to when I didn’t know, and still might not fully, what that would create for my life. Celebrating the winding, wild road that has gotten me here and giving myself the peace of heart to just be me.
And as I celebrate my own light, I celebrate yours, as we ignite the sacred spark of being together.
It’s hard to believe this was once me and this share will be revealing in terms of things and photos from my life experiences that unveil more pieces of my journey. I’ve lived a very diverse life at both extremes of the spectrum, exploring the dark, the light, the in between….I’ve immersed myself in society’s illusions, spiritual deceptions, and walked in the shoes of being part of the bombardment of messages that are sold to us daily – all to know myself, to know these dynamics, to understand their energy and purpose, and to be able to see that I am all of these and none of these…that I can choose my own reality that now more purely reflects this transmutation I’m coming to experience more and more of, daily.
It’s an ever-flowing evolution of creative execution requiring constant, increasingly conscious presence to hear the voice within.
One of the most visual and tangibly easy ways to share this evolution is through the physical body – my body – the epitome of our divinity that has been abused, mutilated, manipulated by force, neglected, made to feel less than, evil, dirty, and simply hated and made to feel like a punishment for being born as a human in female or male form.
You may not know that at one time I used to:
- drink and in fact used to be an event and convention model for beer, tequila, and rum
- I used to eat meat and dairy, wore leather, and modeled it for promotion to female consumers
- modeled and basically sold sex through scantily clad, “just” covered birthday suit, and lingerie photos in campaigns and fashion shows
- promoted accepted idealism of beauty and physical fitness through exposure of my body and image spending hours in make up and hair chairs for photo shoots
- was a model in an exercise video and promotional photo shoot for it
- modeled for caricatures made of me that were featured as the main character in a zombie comic book series where I was a female military leader combating the zombies and then became one (I do have these comic books, but they are in storage so unable to share at this time)
- modeled and promo modeled for other companies that included sunglasses, California apparel, lingerie, car shows, bars and alcohol based events, upcoming L.A. fashion designers’ shows, California Mart, etc.
- went on rigorous auditions for product commercials I had no connection with and reality dating show call-backs where my essence and personal integrity ultimately made me a mismatch vibrationally and finally not chosen in the end because of that
- filmed public access channel spots that were odd to say the least under the tutelage of a past life abuser that showed up for closure to be rectified
- stayed conscious of every little pound to ensure the right weight for the camera – knowing the difference between 104 and 105 pounds quite intimately
- at one time was a gym extremist monitoring everything that went into my body spending 3 hours a day 5+ days a week working out and exhibiting a fitness model body at 13-14% body fat (that’s the low end of average female athletes)
- evolved into a pescatarian for a while, a vegetarian, and then extreme vegan raw foodist for 2 years
- and when in my teens, like so many today, was drawn in by images in magazines that I idealized and yearned to emulate and look the same as
All of this is of course being my own choice along my path to choose to experience and emulate what I saw all around me in varying forms and through various modes of marketed “ideals” being advertised and being accepted and manipulated into multiple versions of these “ideals” by different channels of the collective that I tuned into. And later, that included even “ideals” in the spiritual/new age community.
I’m sharing some photos (ones I could easily find) from my modeling (above), one from when I was a raw foodist, and a few of me currently, in order to reflect what I’m sharing and the actualization of it.
I wish I had photos from my extreme gym days, as that would really present a contrast, but for some reason I never took photos then, which seems interesting given I was obviously very physically focused in manipulating my body during that time.
I’m sharing several, as I want to share this side of me that people would not associate with me so that you can really get the “picture” of my journey I’m trying to convey.
These fitness photos you see are from my modeling days (post gym days, which were 8- 10 years earlier) when I did an exercise video and photo shoot promotion for it, which I mentioned above.
And although I never became addicted to alcohol, never once touched a cigarette, drug, or any form of altering substance outside of alcohol, never had an eating disorder, nor got sucked into anything truly harmful, I still had an unhealthy lack of self worth, body dysmorphic perception which plagues a large majority of the population to some degree or another, used extremes to make up for energies I had neglected, and immersed in the illusion and numbness that while I thought was to help my body, I feel was still not really actually listening to it.
I was listening to ideas in my mind that weren’t taking into account what my body truly desired, but instead were aligning with what the industry was promoting and women were idealizing. Although everything is always perfect and valuable in its experience, there was in fact a reason energetically for every choice that my body would patiently accompany me on to work out the journey I personally needed to experience.
I am grateful for the fact that some part of me always had this lifeline to my purity of frequency that although was muddled and at times pushed aside to listen to other voices I chose to play out on the experiential scene, it was always there to reel me back in, keep control of things, and aided some level of discernment, even if tiny.
Without that I may have developed major challenges, addictions, or worse. But it also kept me aware of not only what I was continuing to subject myself to, that runs through the history of our DNA as a collective, but what I was reflecting to others in message and continuing to support through that.
I was also grateful that my modeling didn’t take place until I was between 29 and 31, as I was able to walk in that world by appearing young, but bringing along with me some of the consciousness, wisdom, and strength I’d managed to work on in the years before.
Not to mention, I got into it for fun and made it a thing of fun, wondering if, at my older age and at my shorter height than the industry standard, I could enter in and try on these collective roles for a while.
It was not my life or life line. There was no desperation involved.
I merely wanted to experience this realm that I’d been enamored with like many others, from a place of immersion for sake of knowing that energy from experience, and for observation.
I received much in doing so, which included some beautiful experiences of creative self expression, confidence and working through some layers of my shyness, my enjoyment of morphing into different me’s, exploring my shadow literally, working through deep seeded beliefs and conditioning around the body and being a female, stepping into the unempowered AND empowered woman simultaneously, and experiencing vulnerability.
I also got to see and experience firsthand this side of the coin and the underlying currents there, including a continuing disregard for body honoring in ways that lifted the female and male counterparts into their strengths, but rather fed off of the weaknesses instilled over ages of forgetting.
And although I had much, much to learn still, my small lifelines were enough to keep me above water and I think was also the saving grace of my pulling out when I did, right before things could have gone a different course if I’d chosen.
I share this background to express that I have walked in different worlds and I do know from experience what these things are like and have been exposed to much along the way.
When I share this, it’s not coming from someone who doesn’t get it, nor from jealousy because I haven’t been there and wish I was something other than myself in looks or otherwise, or even from a place of out right judgment, as I do really get the perfection of all expressions of energy, dynamics, why they are there, and why individuals feel called to different paths in their life to mirror things they are wanting to learn or simply experience as a soul in physical form, not to mention the collective reflection and expression all of these energies play a part in for us all.
What I share is my personal experience having immersed in much that goes beyond the realm of what this post is about, and what for me, personally, it’s led to as to the reality I experience and create now of my choosing – in this case relating to my body and the relationship I have with it now and my health.
It might perhaps have something that resonates in it for who ever is drawn to find this post and read it. And if not, I’ve put it out there energetically as my contribution to the collective energy pool.
Again, I’d like to reiterate that I do see the purpose in all of this and the things I chose, I came to realize the dynamics of while involved in them and yet still felt compelled to follow it through for purposes of living in these shadow aspects of myself while keeping that lifeline to the core of me. That’s not to mean I was aware of every little thing playing out, but I was aware of this underlying pull to see it through for a reason I couldn’t explain to others and even to myself. And where I allowed unconscious acts to fold in, they were the acts chosen as necessary to my evolution.
I’m so grateful for all of it, as truly, even though I went through some crazy and challenging stuff, my life is richer and I’ve come to know myself quite intimately inside and out of the dark and the light.
In dancing with each, I feel we then can create true alchemy.
That has been the case for many things I went through…and although could have chosen otherwise, I chose to live these things out because for me, that was the way to transmute them and how I evolved the most – by living the experience.
Some more facts about me:
When I was younger, I appeared older and more mature.
When I got older, I appeared younger.
I used to wear revealing clothing when younger and never left home without makeup and looking a certain way – while I am an artist and some of this satisfies my need to be creative and morphing, it also was extreme in living as a certain image I felt I needed to portray, a face or mask I hid behind, or an energy I had out of control within my experience.
I used to own a scale and monitored each pound, which was easy with a strongly placed Capricorn ascendant and Mars in Capricorn in my first house to discipline, control, and shift my outer body’s structure without ever having to become bulimic or anorexic. It was simply mind over matter.
I used to have a personal trainer and wrote down everything I ate, while we monitored my body fat and muscle shifts, measuring everything and doing what the body didn’t want because the mind willed it into tight muscley rigid, command.
Later I went to the extreme of inhaling every superfood, holistic supplementation, doing every cleanse, juicing, and colonic on continual intervals to rewire myself, hiring a personal raw food chef, purchasing raw food books, and adamantly refusing anything that wasn’t raw vegan. I was fanatical in a new extreme way. I went to Bikram yoga and sweated out the “toxins” and immersed heavily into a new version of health and body consciousness that I was surrounded by.
And somewhere in between my extremes, I indulged in so-called “fine” foods and drinking to just drink and do like the others around me. I could hold more alcohol than most people if I wanted and yet still never had any affinity to it, no addiction, nor even really liked most any of it. It was an idea and I could morph into that to assume the experience.
And within each experience and time period of my life I wore clothing that “fit” each of these images I was swimming in.
I’ve lived in the extremes. And I never found or experienced true self love and peace in any of them.
And having immersed in these extremes of realities with focus on different versions of dictating the physical body, which are received in messages from varying camps of thought and then executed by my choice to join them, it had an affect on detaching from honoring the sacred wisdom my body had all on its own, which knows what it wants and how that looks and feels, which isn’t about getting caught in any small or large stream of information and messaging that is being offered by that which is outside the cellular and DNA wisdom within.
In some way or another, although all of these messages are provided with intent to help in their own way, it all still felt to me to be limited, restrictive, and obsessively addictive….to be a way to keep me in subconscious dislike of myself and the physical body’s divine partnership with spirit that is ever-flowing.
The me now:
I no longer strive to be a chiseled woman – my version of dancing in the male energy I yearned to strengthen.
I no longer strive to have a yoga body – my version of dancing in the female energy I then needed to strengthen in direct respect.
I honor each of these and their male and female energetic purposes and value, and yet I’ve been led to find a different way most resonant to the balance and integration I seek. One that honors both my sacred male and female in honoring each’s wisdom and embodying this as an emanating quality where my body relaxes into the expression of each in ways I would not have reasoned out with my mind, but it comes through in listening and supporting action of their wisdom alone.
I now listen to the new male and female within that are learning to recreate themselves in core ways.
What that looks like is not an ultimate end goal result, but an ever-evolving one, day-to-day.
This is not to say that either the extreme chiseled or extreme yoga woman me was wrong in any way, but they truly aren’t me at the core. They may be what others feel is their essence or one might find their own mix of some of each combined with a whole gamut of other versions…like an athlete, dancer, gymnast, etc. too.
We each have a different energy signature and individual expression of All That Is to play out….and for some that will shift along the way, as we uncover the layers to our trueness.
I know that when I was a child it was all about dancing and being a ballerina, which goes along with the Faery me, no doubt. And I continued dancing into adulthood at clubs – even considered at one time being a go-go dancer 🙂 and later took salsa lessons. The dancer would definitely be me, but not in any professional way that would involve rigid discipline and competition, as that doesn’t feed my soul personally.
I dance for the sake of my soul being on fire with passion flowing through me and that might just be in private, or whenever the moment moves me.
This is the difference, for me, with any of these things, as there is a yearning to just flow now, which is what going through my rolfing sessions reiterated to me, which I did in the years later after the gym.
Rolfing helped me to undo and release layers of the old memories and core emotions that were held in my muscles so tightly and to be more of that free dancer, returning my body to its elongated flow and flexibility I resonated with. I’ve even considered doing that again, as I loved what took place in that process of return, which may be potent at this point. Who knows what I might be led to. I’ll listen to my body, though, that’s for sure.
I’ve now melted into my own version of natural, which my body is guiding me toward.
My “diet” of body, mind, heart, and soul is a “nature diet” honoring the “nature of me” and following my soul’s joy, which then my mind supports the actions shared by my body’s rhythms of flowing intelligence.
This to me being a partnership of sacred male and female honoring one another.
And now I have chosen my balance – a balance that most resonates with my soul frequency, the embodiment I choose to inhabit, and the celebration of my nature and inner harmony that continues to find the comfort, self value, and true self love that isn’t about any of this, but about listening to the energy moving through me, who I really am, and what I am really here to experience, embody, and reflect.
Now I just am what I am, melting into all that I’ve processed through these experiences and come to create as my own new reality that isn’t about trying to portray something that has been force fed to me by any realm – media, society, the spiritual community, the health enthusiasts, doctors, “experts”, and even the do-gooders that want to share their revelations they feel others should follow to receive equal happiness and health.
I know what it feels like when we discover things that create such amazing shifts in our lives….there’s excitement to shout it out to the world, as we do have a connection and love shared collectively and there’s this innate feeling to want to be supportive.
And so I still walk that line of feeling challenged on what to express and how to express it, especially knowing that what I say and put out there has its own effects. Sometimes this experience is one of learning out loud in the process of sharing it, from the current place I’m at, how that feels, and readjusting and tweaking things for the future.
I’m a work in progress and have chosen to make that public and be vulnerable about it. That’s my way of being personally accountable. That’s part of my purpose.
But I’ve settled into the same place with this expression, as I have with my own health, vitality, body, weight, physical appearance, etc. – to just be me in the fullest way I know possible, embodying my truth, and the beliefs I hold important enough to walk in the shoes of.
This is what I’m experiencing in terms of my now physicality and health that has come to be reflected, as this is what I’m focusing on for this share:
- looking more integrated, I suppose
- a mixture of innocent and ancient
- having both dark and light
- celebrating my silver hairs that are growing in, even creating an Elvira Faery stripe and letting them adorn my crown with grace as a mirror of the depth of who I am and what I’ve been through
- getting rid of the scale and happily wearing larger sizes
- loving the round curves, the extra Earthy weight, embracing both my fat and muscles and enjoying the softness of my real femininity
- wearing makeup only when I want to express a different creative feminine part of myself or have Faery fun, but am completely at home 90% of the time without
- only being drawn to natural forms of exercise that take me into nature like hiking, biking, and kayaking, yet only with the goal of enjoying and connecting with Earth’s gifts – I never see it as a means to an end in terms of exercise for weight control or to make up for something I ate – and yet I’m still physically fit with a natural balance of fat and muscle
- wearing clothes that mirror how I feel and my unique creative expression alone, which is why I wear skirts and dresses hiking, for example – because it’s more comfortable and me
- being 100% vegan, but muddying up my diet to eat what ever I choose and enjoying things in moderation that my body determines alone and not my mind, not monitoring everything I eat or feeling guilty or like I need to make up for something and not depriving myself. I basically eat what I want – cooked or raw, but pretty much solidly cooked at this point, as that is what resonates for my path right now and my physical needs, along with what I want to manifest – all within my vegan lifestyle choice that matches my soul’s essence and mirrors the expression of my spirit in physical form.
- I don’t drink and haven’t for the last 11 years.
- I am physically fit in terms of my ability to do the things I love, which include hiking and biking several miles pretty much daily (we do anywhere from 2 – 10 miles depending on the trail that calls) and quite quickly when/if desired or the energy moves me, can ascend several thousand feet in elevation or hike at extreme elevation without breathing issues, have complete flexibility with my body even though I don’t do yoga anymore, my bones are stronger than they were when I was eating in any other way (I have fractured multiple bones in the past, whereas an accident I had recently where I clearly should have had a break, hearing things crack, in fact did not happen with the way things are currently).
- My skin is clear and has no more issues with acne that I faced during large parts of my past.
- My hair and nails grow excessively fast – it was only 3 years ago that my hair was buzzed close to my head like a guy, trimmed into different styles since, and now is at the middle of my lower back.
- living a spiritually Earth-based life that I keep learning to balance more and more, as all things are an ever-evolving journey
And I know I will continue to morph, as I continue to grow along my path.
It’s constantly shifting as to what this looks and feels like for me, but this is as best as I can describe it above, for the current experience I’m having and seeing with myself.
If I wanted to change what this physical expression of myself is, I could do that at any moment, but I have no desire to change what has, and is, naturally settling into harmony inside and out.
I’m not thinking it into being…it’s a process of relearning to just “be”.
I may not look like the sleek model me at 104 pounds.
I may not look like the fitness athlete me at 115 pounds of muscle bound physique.
I may not look like the 100% raw vegan lean, light, and waif me at 105 pounds.
I am 43 and a half in Earth years, this go around.
I am 5’5″ and likely weigh about 125+ lbs since the last time I was weighed on a doctor’s scale with clothes on I was 128 in Utah when I had my elbow checked from a mountain biking fall I shared having with miraculously no break. That’s 20+ lbs or more of “natural” love, joy, and harmony than what I allowed as an ideal at one point. And it’s a mix of fat, muscle, soft, firm, thicker and more solid, smooth, ripply, and of course heavily tattooed since my modeling days when I only had two small tattoos – basically fully embodied and grounded.
But best and most importantly of all – I feel at peace.
None of the rest of the above would matter, other than sharing what has evolved as means of where the journey has taken me, as peace is my truest expression to experience even if that means for one more day, week, or 50+ more years of life on this Earth.
My body has found its “harmony zone” where I can basically do what I love most and eat anything that brings me joy within the realm of my “nature” when I listen, nurture, and support what I feel without punishment, guilt, and “ideas” or “charge” about rights and wrongs.
Simply put…it’s in it’s personal harmony zone by following “my” authentic, personal joy, which I’ve been coming to know by walking through many versions and extremes of experience.
I have no issue with sharing my age, weight, etc….as well as have no need to prove anything with sharing them either.
I know that they don’t define me, just like everything shared here doesn’t, but also I have no fear of them.
I don’t need to prove that age and weight don’t matter, just as much as I don’t need to prove that they do.
I share them just as celebration and honor of the totality of who I am right here and now with no need to withhold and no need to say, “hey look at me!”
This is a share of vulnerability.
Exposing my journey.
Exposing my body.
Exposing my dance with shadow and light.
I don’t need to be extreme on either end, but feel that my personal expression and path is about undefining things and being able to move in and out of experiences without taking a side and without need to continue being an extremist or feel a charge around anything.
I honor and am grateful for my entire journey and the energy that has played a part in who I am today that gives me an appreciation and understanding for the spectrum of realities playing out collectively as well.
This is my experience and where I feel most at home. And yet each of the places I found myself in at one time or another, served their purpose in knowing where home is for me.
While I know it may not sound like a huge shift to some people to be 20+ lbs more than I used to be, all experiences are relative and it’s not to be compared, but to be taken at the level of the experience of the individual.
It’s a huge deal, coming from a lifetime of restrictions, monitoring, and delegating to my body in one way or another, to now relax and let go into its own wisdom and comfort that has settled into where it really wants to be.
Although people may say I’m still on the spectrum of “thin,” the key I’m focusing on is how this natural zone of my own health and vitality has come to take root by honoring the core within and having no restrictive measures other than honoring what my essence truly is about, which is the same messaging from spirit of what my soul vibrates at in terms of being 100% vegan – that’s not an idea I contrive – it’s the sustenance needed for my personal frequency and vibration.
I’m my own version of “ideal” that my body wants to express itself as without manipulation. It has settled into the comfort of its own personal haven of peace and pleasure that celebrates my sacred feminine and masculine within.
I’m loving this new me.
I’m loving the ancient me coming through.
I’m loving that I still vibrate youth as well because of my constant heart connection and desire to see the beauty and magick within it all rather than attach to a “look” to strive for or that creates fear and hate around wrinkles or extra weight that is simply nature’s cycles.
Could we defy all of this and ascend into light forms?
Certainly and may do just that, but there is beauty in the process and the stages and dynamics of life that Nature mirrors to us daily. There is nothing wrong with living in the grace of this. We are in human bodies for a reason. We are physical and mirror Nature for a reason.
This “now” me is a reflection of my Middle Way that comes from having explored and deciding what feels most naturally aligned and reflective of my soul signature at this time and where I feel led to move into.
I realize and celebrate that others are not on the same path as me, but in sharing this perhaps it might provide another perspective to create your own version of reality and what you want as YOUR experience of soul in flesh.
Afterall, what we put out there, like it or not, is influencing others and sends a message you may not even realize you’re sending.
And while we all (including myself) may have the best of intentions and truly are experiencing what we in this moment feel as ideal, motivational, or proving a point or message, we might also be carrying a load of underlying messages to others that are unattainable on so many levels including that everyone has different motivators, that it’s not their energetic path as it is yours, and that create extremism in other ways that can still create issues around self worth, self hate, and feeling less than, or more.
And still, this is all perfect too, as there is purpose to the paths we are each currently on, and to what we are drawn to, what we focus on, and the growth these choices have in potential for us.
Being conscious of the full spectrum of dynamics and effects our choices and messages make, make our choices….well….more conscious. 🙂
We impact the collective with everything we do, feel, and say.
If we recognize that our journey here is about our individual self expression of our piece of the collective, we can understand that it all has its place, and the most important piece is YOURS, as the clearer you are with YOUR expression of All That Is, the clearer others will be with theirs.
We place a lot of focus on the outside (and that goes for any realm of society and communities – spiritually or physically focused – that all magnify ideals at us, which include the physical, but also every other level of experience as well).
The physical is the easiest to manipulate, and yet perhaps the inside might know exactly how to formulate the outside if we softened into listening to it.
I don’t have all the answers, and continue to explore, observe, and try to understand the energy streams out there.
But I do know that in my own exploration, the peace has only arrived now.
I have discovered that the body has its own sacred wisdom and divinity that basically knows the perfect balance that honors our essence and will always align us with what it knows as health and vitality if we listen to it, rather than dictate it from a place of dishonor and disregard to its wisdom.
Sure, that is a process and will take some time to balance out, but the more we honor its voice and the very richness of knowledge within its cells and DNA, the more we we find ourselves experiencing true well being.
What ever you do, DO IT FOR YOURSELF and know that it’s about the energy YOU are working with and working out in YOUR own life right now and it’s NOT EVERYONE’S path at this time.
That includes the one I share here of mine.
My journey is simply my expression of this that has naturally evolved, offered as another perspective in the energy stream to explore, and as celebration and honor of your divine human body and its own wisdom to guide you harmoniously.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to judge or change.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to emulate.
There is no perfect way to express any message, as the second you say or write a word, it immediately takes you out of the formless energy that has more expansive meaning than the limiting words that will either be heard differently based on someone’s personal filters and experience, be charged with any residual energy you might not be aware of operating beneath the surface, create an opposing side merely by finiting something, will feel like a personal attack to someone who’s in the middle of their own journey with strong beliefs, come across in a multitude of ways you haven’t even considered by people on all spectrums of conscious and less conscious paths, or so much more.
Anyone on the same frequency stream as you, or that your frequency stream would be supportive to as the next step on someone’s path for what ever reason, will hear through to the energy behind the words.
All I can do is share from where I am in the present moment and I’ve been willing to vulnerably put my experience and thoughts out there publicly, knowing they will not resonate with everyone, let alone any kind of majority.
One must simply be and be okay with that.
And that is a huge part of health and vitality to me….simply being me, as most naturally as possible.
Health and vitality has a new face.
It’s the face of YOUR heart in harmony with YOU.
It is wholesome well-being.
There are so many messages out there about the way you need to look, how to improve your looks, and what products, diets, exercise routines, and surgeries will help you to achieve true beauty, health, and happiness. And I say, none of these things are the answer.
Although they can make changes in your appearance, most of it is temporary and often times you find yourself back at square one or having to continue to spend money or effort managing your external alterations.
And/Or, they ultimately don’t ever bring you true happiness, self love, and self confidence, keeping you on a quest for the next fix because they don’t change the core energy that is running the show.
Because if you don’t shift and align with what’s on the inside, the outside will always reflect that inevitably, once again, and your feelings about yourself will mirror the same.
Your body and appearance has its natural state, which will emanate and shine, exposing your true beauty (however that is meant to be), when you relax into, surrender to, and support expression of your unique essence out into the world.
When you truly love yourself, lovingly support your unique, creative self expression to flow through, and be and share who you really are and what you came here to be, then your natural beauty will shine and emanate for all to see.
And your body will know how to relax into its most perfect self expression on the outside, to mirror the inside, without trying to fit any certain mold that’s been conditioned and contrived as the definition of beauty.
You will reflect Nature’s beauty in all of Her forms and stages in Her cycles through that balanced state of BEING and self love.
True beauty DOES come from within.
You can achieve that healthy glow by shining your light with love for all that you are and not judging yourself in all of the different layers and processes of you, which are beautiful as the alchemy of your soul.
Then you’ll find your natural balance with the rest in terms of the lifestyle that works for you and the products that enhance rather than define you.
I spent a good portion of my late high school into adult life years battling acne and neither diet, exercise, product, medication, or positive affirmations worked.
I found the answer through self love, creative self expression, and living my essence out loud, which provided me the happiness and natural beauty that was truly me, balanced out my skin into the clarity that matched the clarity and flow I felt within, and which also created the body type and appearance that was the reflection of my natural essence.
And this has been the answer I have enjoyed, increasingly, for the last several years, bringing me to the most peaceful and joyous times of my life.
I’ve been keeping myself as centered as possible, and doing my best to rebalance when off, in order to have the energy to take care of the challenges of life that flow in and out. Our travels and potent experiences have continued through Colorado and our way of life has asked us to be as fluid as Nature. The closer I get to her, the more I understand these natural rhythms.
When last I left off we had just arrived in the Pueblo area of Colorado. This was a mellow, more transitory stop for us to integrate, buckle down in, and also relax and unwind.
That proved valuable, as there have been trying times since, with the health of both bunnies, a lot of energetic shifts alongside their care that have been wearing on me (I learned that there has been 289x more radiation/radioactivity this week in Colorado Springs while here than there usually is), and so I’ve been more drained and needing rest to integrate it all and go through the potent transmutation.
Life will always have its challenges and the best we can do is to flow with it, realize that they are a natural part of life, and remember to nurture ourselves in order to stay balanced and in order to continue to have the energy to give.
That can be tough when you feel the demand of many things at once, but ultimately you can pinpoint what truly is most important to be placing your energy and time into, as the rest can wait.
Being someone that in the past has taken on the world, I’ve learned that the world does fine on its own and so I can focus on what’s here and now that is calling most loudly.
I’ll share more about the challenges Joy is facing, as it is still ongoing and without anything definitive right now.
In the meantime, I have focused on the beautiful things in my life, the things to be grateful for, have nourished myself in Nature, been taking each day at a time, seeing the hidden gifts in it all, and even pampered myself with things like a massage and getting a manicure and pedicure – which I never do, but needed with all my outdoor time in sandals.
So it is the beauty and inspiration that I’d like to share in this post, as that is where I derive much of my energy and support, which Nature so generously supplies. She also has the gift of recharge, which you can embrace at any moment.
The best things are free and abundant!
I’m so grateful for all of the support She is providing, which continues to show up in the dance of light and energy in photos.
I was even gifted a massage therapist that is a Reiki practitioner (unbeknownst to me until he started the massage). Almost any time I do get a massage I always seem to attract therapists that are Reiki trained – like a moth to a flame. So I received some Reiki support and was pleasantly surprised that he also was cosmically connected, as at the end of my session the room turned into one of the rooms I’ve experienced in my dream travels, and his hands became that of an extraterrestrial, with others around me all working on me.
There’s been some definite support coming through and I’m filled with loving gratitude.
Equally so for all of the continued amazing experiences we are having and for being guided to all of the perfect reflections of Nature’s beauty and nurturing that is aligned with us.
So with that I’d like to just share some of the photos of this beauty so you, too, can experience the healing and inspiration.
To help in identifying what you’re seeing, here is a brief run down.
The photos you see below are from the River Walk in Pueblo, then the rest are in Colorado Springs of Seven Falls (included on National Geographic’s list of international wonders with 224 steps to climb alongside the 181 foot cascade of water dancing from granite face to granite face in seven leaps in a 1250 foot wall box canyon), hiking trails and banks of streams surrounding Seven Falls, Garden of the Gods (which we experienced in the haunting ambiance of lightning and thunder, as if the Gods themselves had spoken), the portal of the Siamese Twins in the Garden (representing the synergy and integration of the twin energy within each of us, as well as mirrored without, of that sacred male and female in unity), Green Mountain Falls where we explored Catamount Falls and Crystal Falls ending at a lake filled with geese and baby goslings, Manitou Cliff Dwellings and the outlying area of the Cave of the Winds, Seven Bridges of North Cheyenne Canon Park, and stunning view of Pikes Peak daily from our home site and from everywhere we went.
We are now beginning a new week in Golden, Colorado and have quite the line up while here for exploring outlying areas, as well as managing things with Joy’s condition and appointments upcoming.
I’ll be continuing to do my best to balance life and feel some videos will be coming, as much has been percolating to share and it’s an easier way for me to do so.
Sending much love to each of you and wishing you sweet balance in your life.