Magnificence is you alive in this moment.
Are there challenging things going on right now?
Yet, even amidst the twists and turns, the simple truth of your soul expressed in body is a miracle.
And that includes the myriad of experiences that are made possible because of being human at this moment.
Not only the experiences that are deemed good or pleasurable.
But every one of them, simply because they are even possible to be experienced, felt, and navigated with every part of your being.
Just a short message I wanted to share with all of you miraculous beings.
We’re heading out again Saturday, for a week, and so I wanted to send you this little note, as inspiration came through.
I likely won’t be blogging until we return, which means the next post will be a fun Full Blue Moon Halloween/Samhain share. Hehe!
Today happens to be the 12 year anniversary of Dave and I first kayaking out on Lake Tahoe all those many Moons ago. And our week away has many celebrations woven into it, to include that, his birthday, and more.
I’ve, of course, been a busy faery bee in order to be able to get away. Yet, as my last Soulful Time Out shared, “Sometimes we think we couldn’t possibly create the space and time for what we need, but that’s exactly when we need it the most.”
I’m in a balancing zone right now between heavy load and soulful softness and am grateful to be navigating things with greater ease than the old me.
Quick updates on the new classes and free event, before I head out:
The Intuition & Reiki ~ Empowered Intuitive Development February 2021 class is now full. If you were wanting to join, or feel a draw to this, you can contact me. Depending on amount of extra interest, I might open a second class later in Spring.
Both the Crystal Healing & Reiki ~ Deepening through Integrative Healing Sessions class and the Free Event – Intuitive Sound Healing Immersion ~ Awaken the New & Ignite Your Ancient Voice have three openings left.
Link to all the info can be found here: 2021 Classes & Upcoming Events
Holding you all in heart and wrapping lots of love around each of your souls.
I am grateful for every one of you.
I am grateful for this life, despite and because of all the mysterious ways energy expresses itself beyond my full ego comprehension.
And I am grateful that every day is a new opportunity to feel and stretch to even greater depths, express myself in new ways, find and see even more beauty than the day before, share greater kindness in soul-reaching ways, and experience the full gamut of what being human is all about.
I believe that everything we need to know is right within us – our bodies are the perfect best friend we never thought we would ever have, but divinely designed in reflection of exactly what we need. Whether our bodies operate in the way our egos desire or not, they are a miracle.
Cultivating body wisdom is an intuitive guide to understanding ourselves. Just like you can look at sky maps of the stars, planets and constellations, we can also consider our body a map of the interrelationship of the universe within and how everything is connected.
The body helps us to ground the creative life force energy that we are, into form, and provides the channel to convert energy into actions.
Everyone has a very different journey and trajectory in terms of how they will convert energy into action. However this has manifested is still in divine perfection regardless of how we judge it with our egos. This can be more challenging to embrace, if in fact we have some type of disability or limitation with the body or we dislike it in some way because we judge it against others.
Yet, it is always enough. It is always worthy. And it is more than adequate because it is a manifestation of creation with divine design in mind.
I feel that an illness, challenge, disease, etc. are ways of experiencing – not a punishment, but an act of experience. Everything can be viewed in terms of energy wanting to be experienced and there are unlimited creative ways for this to manifest as. There is no right or wrong about it.
Form is temporary, like in nature, and eventually will pass away. It goes through cycles that transform it and it only disappoints us if we hold tight to desiring it to be or look another way.
Experience lives on in infinite ways and creates eternally.
The body is our vehicle in life for what we came on Earth to do and the heart, spirit and mind work in unison as the driver.
Like every vehicle, our bodies need regular maintenance, care, nourishing fuel and good treatment (inside and out).
This is especially important at this time in human evolution where everything in the world is heightened in the most extreme ways, which takes a toll on our bodies, drains the emotions, strains the mind, and can temporarily put a damper on spirit when all of the other parts are processing and integrating all of it.
Even though spirit understands a grander alignment, the other parts of us are needing to catch up and doing all that we can to supply our bodies, emotions and minds with nurturing things, will help us stay strong and in flow with the experience spirit has set up for us.
This is why finding ways to create peace, time outs, doing something enjoyable or luxuriating in some way, and refocusing yourself at the center of your heart become vital. And there isn’t just one way to do this, since we all have different lives, likes, passions, and ways of experiencing things.
For me, I’ve found some of the greatest ways to restore vitality have to do with clearing my mind (getting things on paper and creating manageable daily schedules), creating a time-out-of-time space for myself (even if just for minutes), immersing in the natural world (the surrounding wild nature, my garden, soaking in the sun’s rays, spending time with Astrid and the kitty babies, making flower arrangements for the home), doing small relaxing or pleasurable things like tea time, daily home spa nights while watching a movie or series, letting go, having gratitude, laughing and being silly, establishing days off, and saying “no.”
These have all helped me create greater balance too, but the biggest thing I’ve found helpful for my body has been physical exercise that allows me to enjoy the outdoors and peace and quiet at the same time. This combined with a lifestyle daily intermittent fasting and even more sleep than I already usually get, help to physically integrate the fast changes we’re going through as humans right now.
Even if we can’t do physical exercise, just being outdoors or bringing nature indoors to you can have a profound effect.
For me personally, I’ve seen a huge difference in how my body performs and how some physical imbalances have all harmonized through finding the right fit of activity that integrates who I am and the energies I came to experience.
I mentioned in a recent post about a sudden accelerated level of endurance and speed in my hiking and biking activities.
But I’ve experienced many other physical shifts too. My years of mild, sporadic hypoglycemia has completely subsided, my EIB (exercise-induced bronchoconstriction), which for me is non-asthma related, has disappeared, peri-menopausal hormonal shifts have balanced out on their own so that I no longer take any herbal supplements to support (I actually don’t take any vitamins other than B12 or extra doses of Vitamin C in intervals), my adrenal glands experience consistent happiness, without trying my body dropped extra grounding weight it no longer deemed necessary to keep me integrated, and there’s a more consistent level of energy in me.
Getting outdoors and moving the body in what ever way we’re able, really does the mind heart and spirit good as well. Or at least moving creative energy through you in some way, relative to you, can help free up the blocks. The goal being, not to let energy sit stagnant. And the key being, use your creativity to be creative in finding ways that are perfect to your experience.
I wasn’t always this active, and it’s ironic that as I’ve gotten older, my physical activities have grown exponentially. It’s never too late to start caring for your body and taking on new activities. Our bodies are our vehicles in life and to the extent we are able to go that extra mile for it, it will for us too.
I’ve found that my experience requires me to both be creative AND to be physical. That’s just how my energy is set up – it’s in my astrological chart. And my body actually needs more than most people, otherwise the energy will turn on me and rage from the inside out in various forms.
At 47 1/2 I feel the healthiest, most balanced, and in the best shape of my life (so far) and do the most things physically than I’ve ever done. It didn’t happen overnight, and I didn’t even know how it would happen, but with committed effort to make inner changes in my life, open my heart deeper, and release the internalized anxiety and acidic kind of stress build-up I once used to feel – things have continued to transform and come together with more synergy. (Having Astrid in my life, just might help too). Rather than having compartmentalized experiences, I’m learning to merge life as one stream of experience.
It’s interesting because I was in complete embrace and peace with all the different things I used to experience, feeling relief I understood why and knowing how I could make adjustments to still do what I wanted to the extent that worked for me.
Creating peace around things is a perfect companion for the potential of change to happen naturally.
The energy around these three Eclipses seemed to also provide a doorway to activate more of this, and while I immersed in things like greater outdoor activities, an elevated surge of energy was able to course through my body. Astrid actually also has been experiencing a surge of energy in recent days. 🙂
It was surprising, for me, because although I have been doing a lot of natural exercise, things went to a whole new level I didn’t realize it would.
It feels like the years of trying to figure out how to harness the productive energies of my Mars placement in the first house is finally coming to fruition – organically.
So again, as I said, we each have different energy experiences we came in to have and for me this really is supporting the balance for my body.
That said, it still is vital to do self-care in your own way and some sort of body integration or physical activity to move energy is really supportive for everything we’re all going through.
So much old stuff, trauma, pain, wounds, beliefs, etc. are being loosened to the surface. So many very distinctly contrasting energies are circulating. And this can get trapped inside of us if we aren’t in some way able to move it through the body and “shake it off”.
Time-outs are increasingly important even if just five minutes of full shut down from everything to unplug and feel the power of silence.
I took a long three-day weekend off over 4th of July since Dave had Friday off of work and we decided to find our own bit of peace even amidst a busy weekend. Although this 4th of July wasn’t as crowded as past years, we still like to do our own thing. Fireworks were also banned this year so it was overall much more quiet.
We decided to fill each day with tons of nature and exercise for well being. That included ways to get out and away from everyone or to just be passing through while in motion.
This involved a long 12-mile hike on Friday, a more moderate 11-mile bike ride on Saturday, and ended with our longest-to-date bike ride on Sunday of 37 1/4 miles. The last time I attempted a 33 mile bike ride, the last half was very uncomfortable with my butt and back feeling sore and energy slowing. This time I didn’t experience any of that. In fact, not from any of the activities we did back-to-back did I have pains or soreness from and I even went above and beyond from day one, as you’ll see.
We definitely got some great physical strengthening in, soaked up immune system building pine air, and enjoyed good sleep from all the high vibes.
I want to circle back to the 12 mile hike, which was a retracing of our steps from nearly three years ago. That was the last time we did this hike to Star Lake and you may remember that story and what unfolded from my share in September of 2017, Made of Stardust.
We’ve been talking about returning and this time we decided to do it as an out and back trip rather than a shuttle adventure, like we did then with the group we were with. It was 13 miles the way we did it last time, but by doing it this way, it cut one mile off. Doing it this way also involved much more climbing than the previous time, with a cumulative elevation gain of over 2400 feet over the course of the mileage. The highest point you arrive at is 9600 feet with Star Lake sitting just over 9000 feet.
My intention with this hike, besides wanting to return to this beautiful lake I love the name of, was to integrate and harmonize 2017’s adventure that ended with me having a broken foot. Although that was perfectly in alignment with my writing goals at the time, I felt facing the trail again as the person I am today would be a powerful activation, as well as a way to overcome any trepidation that past experiences can potentially create.
And it was.
Not only is the mountain charged with such powerful energy around this spot, but I found some interesting things show up in a couple of photos, like the odd rainbow energy just above this snow patch in the trees to the right of the middle rock.
And the light creating some kind of gateway anchoring each side of this creek.
Before I went I was getting from Astrid that there were more raw quartz in mind for us that were up there to retrieve. She was right, as I found 3 that spoke to me and received blessing on using for our Earth-grid here.
I deliberately took the same backpack I had last time, which isn’t the greatest in terms of carrying things (material and without a waist strap to shift weight to your waste instead of your shoulders), but very light and roomy.
Not only did I carry these wonderful crystalline beings for half of the 12 miles on my own, but I’m happy to report no injury and my newfound strength and endurance had me capable of completing our hike in great time. I also never once had my EIB coughing that always would happen when I was doing strenuous uphill climbing and even with the added 27.4 pounds on my shoulders (yes we weighed them), I was able to do the elevation climbing without falling behind Dave. He remarked later that this is the exact weight of his mountain bike and how crazy that sounds to have basically carried his bike 6 miles. I had to agree.
I had to swing the backpack up my back so that I could carry most of the weight in my arms by holding the straps, but it worked.
I was amazed at the physical changes, as these are things I would not have imagined me doing, especially given my EIB.
But I’m happy that I did things the way I did so that I was able to actually experience the profoundness of how much things have transformed. It’s not something I need to repeat, yet it demonstrated what is possible.
I think I’m actually turning into the mountain goat I’m meant to be – I say that due to all my Capricorn energy.
And I believe I’ve found my way to move all of that deeper energy, emotion, and stored trauma up and out – my way of “shaking it off”.
That day also happened to be the day before 4th of July, which is the 9 year anniversary of my grandpa’s transition – he died at 96. I had a very special relationship and connection with him, despite his living in the south of France where my mom and her family are from. We would spend special time together on his long visits (sometimes a year) and we had a special bond. He is the one who helped cultivate my artistic gifts, as he would sit with me on his lap drawing for hours when I was a little girl and so I am grateful for his nurturing the artist in me and for seeing the value in that. He never wanted me to stop creating.
Creativity is connected with the importance of moving energy through the body in various forms. Our creative life force wants to be experienced and if we shut it down we can experience blocks and challenges. So, in fact, my grandpa was nurturing the importance of this from the start.
And being at Star Lake was also a perfect place for reflection on things to include my grandpa in the stars now as my guide. Perhaps he even showed up in a dance of starlight in the lake.
It’s especially meaningful that I wear his wedding band as my own, knowing he is with me even more along this new journey. Everything he stood for I carry forth through my own embodiment, in my own unique way.
He loved to draw, spend time in the garden, loved animals, loved to laugh, and had his own strong connection to his beliefs. Although more religiously based than my organic spirituality, he was giving, full of gratitude, and loved his family.
I know he is happy and proud seeing me as I am today and would have tears of joy for this union, knowing I wear what was so meaningful to him – a way to honor his bond of love with my grandma and the cycles of life meant to continue and expand further.
In many ways, during uncertain times, I feel I am rewriting my story and as I do, it is rewriting a lineage of stories.
As we each do this, we collectively ignite something different for the future.
And as we each do this, let us not forget our bodies – physical and emotional bodies – while we progress forward with our minds. All of these parts create divine union of our spirit in motion of experience.
In order to meet the new reality we envision, integrating all that good stuff through our miracle vehicles I believe will help get us there.
No matter where you find yourself in the experience of your body, there is a perfect path only you can carve that is vital to all of us. Loving our bodies as they are right now, allows us to really embrace how energy wants to move through it.
There’s plenty of time to be serious and let’s face it, most of the time that’s just what people are doing – planning, worrying, stressing, analyzing, keeping their nose to the grind, moving from one task to the other, having no time to smell the roses. And while there’s balance to be had in life, the main thing we lose focus of and have an imbalance of is work in place of play – how to experience life more lightly, have more fun, feel more vitality, surrender some of that load you’re carrying, and bring back that innocence into each part of your life.
I speak a lot about enjoying life more and having more fun, as it truly can be a game-changer. I know it can be hard sometimes when life seems to have thrown a lot at you that feels heavy on the heart, but the way out isn’t in digging deeper into that heaviness, but rather, finding ways to see through the eyes of your inner child, which will help lighten things. Laughing at ourselves and life, being silly, doing something spontaneous because it tickles your heart, infusing a child-like perspective of wonder and belief in all things possible, and reaching in to bring forth that tender, caring heart that simply loves.
So, while I am a child at heart big time, I still constantly nurture that child to merge even more of that innocence into my life and find myself more childlike now than even when I was a child. That’s not to say I’m not serious when the time calls for it, but I never let go of my inner child in the process. I choose to have her walk hand-in-hand in all that I do, think about, feel into, and take action on. I also engage her and ask her what she feels, so as not to neglect the wisdom and value she has to impart.
There’s been more than enough times when I didn’t really know how to love her, as she so needed, and I’ve committed to having her never experience that again. By inviting her into every experience, I get to experience greater wholeness and fulfillment that has the ability to bring harmony and healing to every forgotten corner of my heart.
It’s no mystery why I find myself surrounded by an armada of chipmunks and squirrels where we live, who all seem to congregate outside my office door – mirroring the inner child I have cultivated and even the childhood dream office of Wonderland I’ve created. And of course I have the magickal little bunnies and Astrid, who all reflect such purity, innocence, and playful harmony. Astrid also reflects my inner child and our interactions also help expand my interactions within for myself, and vice versa. We definitely assist each other in embodying greater wholeness.
I recently had opportunity to support a sweet soul in a distant, international Reiki Healing Attunement that also brought up this key theme of inner child love and embracing more innocence, play, and fun. So much so that a powerful display took place right before me while I was in the middle of the session.
Two giant squirrels – one of which was huge and bigger than any squirrel I’ve ever seen – both came running over to the sliding glass door in front of where I was working the session. They came up to the door, peered in on hind legs with paws and nose to the glass and were tapping to get in and get my attention. They would then run to my potted flowers and climb up them and play and then circle back and come tapping and peering in on me again at the door. This happened several times, until they knew I understood and then off they swirled their huge bushy tails and disappeared back under the fence from which they came.
I had never had such a strong reflection of animal spirit guides during a session, other than my own bunny loves doing things and receiving visions of guides for the person I was working on. But this time they decided to manifest in the flesh and I know if that door had been open, they’d have been right up on me.
The huge display they played out in front of me, I not only took away as meaningful for this particular client, but also as important to impart to the collective.
I didn’t get photos, of course, as I was deep in a session, but here is one (below) of the chipmunk friends that constantly visits, peering in just as the squirrels did.
I also have a couple of quite large mice friends that visit as well, along with lizards and birds.
It’s definitely forest play land around here big time and I giggle daily at the beautiful mirror, which warms my heart that my inner child feels safe, loved, encouraged, and cherished.
Chipmunks have been known to show up as lucky signs that grant heart wishes, symbolize abundance, reflect an explorative and adventurous heart, and mirror that free spirited outlook on life – all similar to squirrels.
And while they both reflect that perfect balance of work and play, they always get what they need done with that light approach. This demonstrates that work can be accomplished without pressure and enjoyed by dedicating yourself to nurturing more fun in your life and living in more balance with nature. A cozy, comfortable, and joyful life is possible, just as these playful creatures show us.
Inner child work has always been a powerful seed “key” to creating change. And when done with unconditionally loving courage, can be the impetus for empowering yourself in unlimited ways.
We all have a child within that is in need of our loving acceptance. No matter how strong and self-reliant you think you are, there is a time for tender vulnerability in everyone’s journey that is needed to cultivate a garden that your child-like heart can creatively and expansively blossom in. This will provide astounding results in your current experience and with all that you intend.
As adults we carry with us false beliefs from the past that as children we learned to believe. A lot of that includes the things that we were taught were “wrong” with us and so the greatest rejection living with us today is of ourselves with these beliefs.
Listening to and softening our inner dialogue to embrace the perfection of all that we are, is a needed part of our daily practice. It is important to know ourselves to be whole and forgive ourselves, as well as revel in the quirky beauty that our inner child has to share.
Loving your inner child will support healing the darkest experiences by shining light on the beauty that was always there. This opens doorways that the Universe will support you with when you are willing to partner with it.
With the Solar Eclipse New Moon in Cancer and yesterday’s magickal Friday the 13th, I was feeling another influx and opening of opportunities present itself. Cancer really has us paying attention to our emotional and psychic sensitivities around matters of home, heart, nurturing, creativity, compassion, and feminine energy, but also learning to keep that all in Capricorn check so that we aren’t giving our energy and power away, we learn highest use of boundaries, true responsibility, and courage and fortitude to support healthy vulnerability that can be evolutionary for self and humanity and help you to take action that leads to manifestation of dreams, goals, and intents for the highest good. We’re definitely working on creating new foundations in all areas of life and the New Moon encourages birthing new things over and over with each cycle. There’s always a window of opportunity and it’s never too late to make changes – it starts with choice. New Moons are great for planting seeds of the new, and when you commit to something during the window of its energy you really help to fuel and solidify maximization of that energy.
I found myself the last couple of days really multi-tasking and honing in on more closures, new beginnings, and clearing my plate as well. I really felt that multi-dimensionality kick in, as my mind was expanding and at times exploding with all the levels of complexity it was journeying into simultaneously. I definitely felt like I was getting a brain workout in a good way, as I traveled different paths of thinking, focusing, perspectives, and potentials.
I also was working with that courage and vulnerability I spoke of, as my book journey ignited phase 3.
This all synchronously finalized yesterday on Friday the 13th and in the New Moon energy, or rather, it all ignited, as I officially committed and signed the client agreement with my editor. Things went into motion last weekend, but she was away on vacation and everything aligned us when she got back for it to fall as such.
So, this is an evolutionary igniting of taking my new step of responsibility and committed action with my heart project, as well as fully investing myself to see things through – definitely that balance of Cancer and Capricorn energies in acknowledging both my vulnerabilities and strengths, and supporting a balanced and well-thought out plan of responsible and serious action.
I also spent a good portion of the last couple of days doing bookkeeping on Quicken – this is all VERY new for me this year – for Dave and I and our shared work together, which was a big project and hones in on my Cancer/Capricorn balances with its focus. Another expansive venture for me that exercises my brain and capitalizes on my strengths, while also developing my weaknesses. Whew!
And synchronously, the last of my two massage tables was sold yesterday to the perfect person. They both went to perfect people, actually. This closing out my Reiki teaching journey and the in-person sessions I once used to offer.
Synchronously, also, Dave sold his guitar on the same day. He had two, and decided only to keep one.
We both had really nice people come to get them who were both so aligned and we both ended up talking to for a while. Dave’s went to a wonderful family of a man and his really sweet 14 year old and wife, and mine to a really lovely soul I would never have met if not for this. She and I had a lot in common. We both had tattoos all over us, she does massage and other body work, we both are writing a book, she also just got an editor (and actually had offered to refer them to me, but I’d just signed with mine), and we said we should hang out some time. Gotta love alignment!
So phase 3 is in full swing and while it is going through its extensive editing review, I’ll be focusing on other aspects to prepare for more phases to come.
In the meantime I will also enjoy a little different creative focus with the Magick Crystal Wand commission and my own staff this week. I have 2 more Mystery Magick Crystal Wand commissions remaining. I only plan to work on these over the next couple of weeks, so please try to get in any orders, as after that I’ll not have a window anymore.
Some people who haven’t seen my wands were curious, so here is a link to the first batch I channeled. I went on to create several more custom ones after that, but they are in individual posts and were much more complex, larger pieces that are not part of this offering. You can search my blog if interested in seeing more. This link is just for an idea, but each is unique to the wood and the inspiration I feel come through when working with it:
And here is the link where you can order one of the two remaining wands-to-be:
In this same post I was offering other things, but the only remaining is the last two wand commissions I mentioned.
All of the crystals have found new lovely guardians – thank you so much! – I will be packaging them up safely this weekend (which takes time) and shipping off either Monday or Tuesday depending on my time window Monday between two engagements.
The workshops still have space, but the Fall Equinox is getting close to filling. There may end up only being 2 spots remaining soon.
Reminder these are my last workshops I’m teaching and the first and only co-teaching with sweet, magickal Laura.
I plan to bake a cake this weekend – one I’ve been feeling the last week or two, which will be a vanilla lavender cake (perhaps with another twist too, but we’ll see what comes to me). I’ll be using my fresh lavender from the garden for this, which is what inspired me. I’m so loving the smell of fresh lavender and cinnamon basil blossoms right now in my kitchen that I made a sweet little arrangement of in a tiny vase.
I have some new flowers and succulents to plant too.
Will be getting outside as well for sun and exercise.
There was a lot of hard work going on the last couple of days, so its time to kick in some serious play. 🙂
All to continue experiencing greater balance and inner harmony and peace.
So, yes, it’s important to nurture ourselves with those Cancerian things – for me the creative infusion of some fun projects to shift focus, making a nurturing cake that I love so much, giving back to Mother Earth with some Nature time and tending to her blossom and plant children around the home and home garden, and nurturing others with some Reiki Healing Attunements, as I’ve already put into motion one for myself and Dave.
And, key to remember our Capricorn aspects – for me this is implementation of business minded focuses, action-oriented step-by-step, patient processes, courage and confidence in what I am creating, putting into place supportive structures for long-term goals, and persistent focus to see things through for the highest good of all concerned.
All of this helping me to feel most essence aligned and helping to create greater harmony within and without.
I mentioned to my Facebook friends who were interested that I would share a bit about my journey around purpose and the way that’s evolved through the various forms of work I’ve explored. Like many of you who feel confused or even tormented by this idea of purpose and life path, or who have been searching endlessly to find that cosmic answer that hits you over the head with clarity, I’ve been right there with you in what seemed like endless cycles of searching. But searching keeps us wanting more, whereas presence and listening will bring us home.
The concept of life purpose is a tricky one, as I do believe we each have something unique and perhaps key to our evolution that we choose to come into form to express and further our creative evolution. However, I feel that this dimension can tweak things in a way that makes us want to finite how that expression could be experienced, since we live in a way that wants definitive answers and ultimate results. Beyond this realm we simply have an essence that propels us and here that turns into a drive.
Perhaps that drive plays into some of why we feel confusion, as we try to squeeze our uniqueness into categories, funnel what could be flowing and amorphous, and then condition one another to do the same once that becomes a collective agreement as to the way things should be done. We buy into what success means and ultimately what that needs to look like. We even buy into what happiness is and disregard what makes US feel good.
The concept of life purpose and all the hype around it is a culprit to this in saying that you have this one absolute mission and you must hone in on that now, although I’m not knocking any of the support out there in wanting to help with this. I think explorations into your feelings, passions, unhealthy patterns, and things that make you tick are very helpful, but to limit all of that into a specific feels counterproductive to creative life force energy that looks for any channel of expression. It simply wants out. Doesn’t care how, but if it doesn’t get out that’s where we create challenges.
There doesn’t feel to be one answer in how you live who you are. How incredibly limiting to a limitless being that would be if you had only one choice and then were made to feel wrong or guilty if you don’t do it right. Where’s the purpose in that? We forget our song when we come into birth, so each little tickle to your heart is a way of remembering.
Purpose feels to be about what moves you and what you do that gives your life meaning, value, and enrichment to yourself and others. It’s about how you spend your time well, what feeds you, and feels important. And this can take varying forms of applying the unique gifts and qualities you have in perhaps one, but likely several varying ways that provide these things. And these can evolve over time along with you. It can be through an actual job/work, in your family and personal life, through volunteer work, passions and side projects, or all of these.
It can be how you do you as well as you can in every waking moment of life and in every encounter, experience, choice, action, expression, and connection you make.
Look at what you’re willing to put in as effort, as everything will take effort of some sort no matter if you love it or not. To say your purpose just happens is false. You have to make the choice and follow through. Although when you align yourself with what naturally feels good, it is easier since you aren’t using energy to balance out things. Yet, every day and moment is a choice and while alignment does create greater flow and opportunities, you still have to take action or do the work. Purpose doesn’t hand things on a silver platter. It’s rising to the occasion of what calls to you.
If painting calls to you, you still have to paint.
If making music calls, you still have to practice your instrument, write the music, and perform.
If it’s writing, well you have to write.
If it’s being a doctor, you’ll still have to get your degree and show up every day at your best.
If it’s being a receptionist, you’ll have to take that job interview and express your personality and social skills with every person you interface with.
If it’s being a mom or dad, you still have to show up and be ready to challenge yourself to love more unconditionally each day.
And guess what? You might do all of these, but you’ll still have to create the time, commit to each expression, and choose to be present with how they all want to channel through you in your own unique way. That’s the beauty of it. You can find your own way of satisfying how you spend your time well – your purpose.
If you look at the things that come naturally to you, that make you smile in your heart, feel good, and are what you loved as a child, let that be your gauge and guiding force without trying to figure out how that needs to look or compare it to what everyone else around you is doing or how they are labeling things, not pressure yourself to hurry up or belittle yourself that you’re so far behind and should be further by now. According to what? That’s an answer you give yourself if you aren’t being present with each moment.
You have to be willing to be more vulnerable and not care what others think, pay attention to the times you get lost in something and lose track of time – which indicates being in the zone, ask yourself what you’re passionate about and how in any way that is part of your life or can be incorporated – not only as a “job” – and then understand that action creates momentum and fuels passion.
That all said, it’s not necessarily that the job you’re doing is wrong, but perhaps it’s an unhealthy work environment, or your approach, judgments, and process of handling it aren’t healthy, you’re out of alignment with your perspective and response to things, your life isn’t balanced so triggers are being created, you aren’t embracing and being grateful for the aspects of the work you do that you shine in and enjoy, you aren’t engaging your passions in some way, which would then make your life more meaningful and fulfilling no matter where you find yourself.
Chances are, what ever work you’re currently doing, you do have a propensity for it and skills, or there are elements to it that you truly do enjoy and shine in. Perhaps it’s the part of you that knows how to motivate a team towards goals, your ability to listen and problem solve, a joy for numbers and details, you’re a great organizer, an awesome leader, have exceptional customer service skills, love interfacing with people, really enjoy the innovative aspects you get to incorporate in idea exploration, you’re incredible with your hands, love building things, are amazing at comforting others, etc.
So, yes, not all of your job might be fun, but those parts are where you excel and get lost. Focus there. And if you need to express other gifts and passions, see how either you can incorporate them or are overlooking them, or can do them in another way in your life. I guarantee when you do these things you will be in the flow and more choices will show up and you’ll know exactly what to choose or do next because you aren’t waiting to have that one thing happen to you. You are engaging your essence now and that creates alignment in any situation you’re in or for new ones to present themselves in form or idea to take action on next. It’s a step-by-step process, but can be fulfilling in each moment if you are being present and creating a balanced way of approaching and expressing your life.
Be mindful if you’re in an unhealthy situation, but weed out everything before saying you’re simply not doing your purpose. There’s likely a lot you’re overlooking because you’e caught up in an idea and also being bombarded by confusing signals you haven’t taken reign of yet. There may be skills you can utilize to make it better or right. You may need to just respect yourself more or stand up to something. You maybe just need to switch companies, rather than the job itself. In some cases you might want to shift gears of how you express that gift and go a completely different direction, but in the meantime, make the most of what you have, as you don’t have to suffer while making that shift. And if you take the actions within your job now, you’ll find how that creates opportunities and openings, not to mention greater peace and fulfillment immediately.
Recently I was triggered to review all the different things I’ve done and explored on my journey of work/life path that a lot of people don’t realize I’ve done, as they only see me now. This is likely the case for many of you and this is what prompted sharing a more revealing insight on my journey, including that spectrum I went through and what I’ve discovered about purpose and alignment for myself, which could be helpful in some way for you.
I thought I would list out everything that I could remember having explored, placing them in categories so that not only would you see what I actually did, but seriously took steps toward and spent time feeling out. All of this was in effort to “find myself” and my “purpose.” I likely at the time appeared to be scattered, fickle, non-committal, foolish, or even crazy. Yet, it’s in the journey of all of this that I’ve been able to finally find peace and see it from a bigger picture perspective I couldn’t see then while caught up in it all.
And while some of these things will seem so opposite or odd in terms of what I do now, I can say with all honesty that any of these things could easily have been continued, if I knew then, what I know now, as each of them DID in fact express some of the gifts and things I enjoyed and excelled in. Some, even, were already tapping into my North Node in Capricorn, which is a focus now for me, as our North Nodes do speak to that infamous “life purpose.” In fact, I was on that path immediately when I was a junior in high school getting accepted already into FIDM with this drive of wanting to get on with life already and out of school because I had a vision of my career. Choices, however, created a detour to unfold each petal for greater understanding of this whole picture playing out.
It was all a journey of learning, but truly the reasons at the heart of why I left these positions or didn’t pursue them was because of my unhealthy approach to the jobs – as in I didn’t have balance in my life and was an extremist at the time so I overworked myself to the point of burn out and didn’t have boundaries resulting in affecting my health and well being. I didn’t know how to speak up for myself, I was afraid to make the wrong decision in terms of choosing the wrong life path (not understanding how a choice simply would lead to more choices just on a different trajectory), I was put off by the processes and commitment I had to make to it, I hadn’t worked through some of my fears and didn’t see these as opportunities at the time like I did later, and the list goes on.
Yet ALL of these things I DID enjoy on some level when I allowed myself to just be in that moment of the aspects that I got lost in and made me shine.
Here is the list I came up with.
Jobs I Had:
- Hostess at a Restaurant – twice (First at Olive Garden when I was 16 and later at Il Fornaio becoming a lead hostess)
- Claims Processor & Promoted to Small Claims Medical Examiner – Worker’s Compensation Insurance
- Loss Control Secretary – Overseeing 5 Field Reps in Worker’s Compensation Insurance (Different company than above jobs)
- Makeup Artist – Department store makeup lines
- Receptionist/Secretary/Personal Assistant/Asst. Office Manager – Investment Firm
- Custom Art Business – Paintings/Murals/Logos/Faux Painting/Art & Writing for a start-up Children’s Show (my first entrepreneurial business)
- Modeling/Extra Work – Fashion shows/Promo Modeling/Ads/Videos/Dance Shows – here’s my blog post on that: Discovering My “Harmony Zone” of Health & Vitality
- Photographer’s Assistant – Worked with a school photographer setting up equipment, the space & handling/organizing kids Kindergarten – High School
- Reiki Master Teacher – Offered sessions & training
- Tarot & Animal Readings
- Author – Wrote & self-published a book – working on a second
- Sacred Tattoo Designer
- Artist – Custom and original work
- Crystal Jewelry & Healing Tools Creator
- Retreat Leader
- Workshop Teacher
- Sound Healer
- Procured & Sold Crystals
- Intuitive Guidance Coach
- Currently manage rental properties
Degrees/Training/Certifications I Got:
- AA in Merchandise Marketing
- Medical Billing Certification
- Makeup Artist Certification
- Acting Classes
- Reiki Master Teacher Certification
- Metaphysical Training
Promotions/Job Offers/Opportunities I Rejected After Interviewing For:
- Claims Examiner – Worker’s Compensation Insurance
- Jewelry Designer for a Jewelry Shop
- Flight Attendant School
- Jobs in Women’s Retail Clothing
- Art Teacher through an Art School
Paths I Seriously Considered/Took Steps Toward/Spent Time Exploring & Feeling Into:
- Fashion Designer – was my first passion before I settled on Merchandise Marketing
- Buyer for Department Store/Fashion Coordinator
- Personal Trainer
- Horse Assistant at Ranch
- Custom Meal Service/Catering
- Cleaning Business
- Personal Assistant
- Retreat Center – Almost bought land & started
- Animal Acupuncturist – Specializing in rabbits
- Rabbit Rescue
I’m not sure if I’m missing anything else, but I think this gives you enough of an idea of how varied and extensive my explorations were and how much I was searching for things right under my nose. In some way, I utilize all of these skills and gifts still to this day in my work and personal life. They just have translated differently based on the new choices I’m making and aligning with in each moment.
Again, truly any of these things, if approached with a healthy perspective, could have been more than what they turned out to be. And yet, they still all DID help me to learn about myself and the things I enjoyed and excelled in.
It’s only now that I have learned about and created balance in my life, that I can see it all for what it is and understand how each piece spoke to a part of me and can even be traced to my Astrological placements and the skills I came into this life with that can be utilized in productive or nonproductive ways depending on my perspective.
There is opportunity in every moment to be living your “purpose.” It’s up to you how you choose to express that, but know that in fact there is no one right way.
At the end of the day or the end of your life, the question to ask yourself is, did I live my life well?
Did you know that playing, being silly, laughing, and approaching life with curiosity are incredibly supportive and boosting to your overall well-being, quality of life, creative energy, and your immune system? When you keep that connection to your inner child alive, you experience the benefits of a healthy, low to no stress, and constantly wondrous way of experiencing life, rather than living in continuous fret and fear. Other ways to create better quality of life, experience more balance and harmony, as well as enhanced presence, perception, and intuitive and creative abilities are spending more time in nature, communing with the natural world in any form, as well as being willing to challenge yourself to embrace change more by aligning your vibration with things rather than fighting them.
Spring is a wonderful opportunity to explore where you feel called to plant new seeds in any area of your life and commit to cultivating it. Sometimes if you literally do this, it will stream into your life in ways you can’t imagine.
By literal I mean plant actually seeds or nurture a cherished plant or animal with the intention that it signifies something in your life you also want to blossom. Then watch this trickle out into more enthusiasm and energy pouring into the actual thing you do want to manifest. If you can devote even just a little of your love and attention to something and see the results, you understand how this process can be duplicated in the rest of your life as well. It doesn’t have to be an overnight thing, but you will see the benefits simply by committing to it.
I was a bit overwhelmed, to say the least, when I discovered the nudge to write this new book of mine and that it ended up developing into much more than I originally thought it would be. Yet, with continued commitment and nurturing of the process that presented itself to me, it’s become a wondrous journey of enjoyment, self growth, and creative enhancement that fuels passion in my life and opened up so many new doors of potentials unraveling. All, simply by deciding to nurture that seed within me that was stirring like a Cosmic cauldron of possibility.
And with Spring here, I’m doing the other thing I shared with you, as in literally planting seeds – 72 to be exact – that will have twofold purpose of nurturing Astrid’s needs, but also symbolically representing the plethora of new ideas brewing within me to manifest. I decided to grow organic baby plants for her all by seed this time, since my bulbs I planted in Autumn did so well. Crossing finger, toes, and wings this success rate continues! 😉
I recently saw an exciting discovery of sprouting from the five daffodil bulbs I planted last year when our house was in renovation. I planted them on the Full Moon, in fact, which was an intention for planting my garden of life with hopes of my dreams to blossom. And, they have been and are continuing to. When I planted them, a very healthy earthworm revealed herself in the soil where I dug their rooting ground, and I knew this was a sign that all would be well and supported because of my willingness to plant the seeds and care for them. Then Winter came and went and with Spring thaw they started sprouting.
I later planted several variety of irises – all of these bulbs gifted to me by special Faery, Laura from her garden. Apparently the irises will come later she told me and within a month or so I should see them too! Soon we’ll have lovely blooms and surprise colors lining the entry to our home! And my own garden of dreams will be mirroring this blooming.
And that leads to the baby plants intended for Astrid. I’ve started all the bunny goodness in this mini greenhouse indoors and have a seedling heat mat under it too.
Normally, in California I just directly planted the seeds in my Garden Tower or in the ground, but here with the difference in weather, am needing to begin indoors and then can transplant into my Garden Tower outside my office sliding door that has the perfect Southwest exposure.
I’m growing her two kinds of Romaine, cilantro, dill, sage, oregano, arugula, sweet basil, lemon balm, endive, dandelion, and a variety of wildflowers.
I do everything by faery intuition and am organic in my processes so it’s always a lovely surprise to see what unfolds. Yet, I see the mirroring reflection of the creative projects I am cultivating step-by-step in my life as well.
I love the action of seeding intention in literal ways, as other things percolate and evolve.
And action puts creative energy into motion and exponentially grows the possibilities.
Add in love to cultivate and nurture it and you’ll eventually find yourself smelling the roses in your garden of blossoms that manifest.
And speaking of new doors and closing old ones. Yesterday, I sent out a newsletter announcing it to be my last, as I am feeling led to close my Constant Contact account to focus elsewhere. I also announced that I’ll eventually have a new website and likely new email address, which could look like this blog evolving into new paths of sharing, or a separate website to replace my two others of http://www.taniamarie.com and http://www.spiritualskin.com.
So for now, that means really that this blog site is the best way to keep updated and receive inspiration, especially if you’re not on any social media platforms, where I also share. It’s also the best way to contact me if you don’t have my email, or if in the event my email gets changed, as I foresee.
These won’t happen immediately since it’s still in percolation, although you never know when since I’m someone who once I get the idea to do something and the nudge it needs to be done now, doesn’t linger.
I am constantly guided to fully close the old doors, so that my energy isn’t still lingering around in anything and can fully be propelling me in the forward momentum of the seeds I’ve planted.
Wishing you an expansive Spring of possibilities!
I hope you find nature to be a companion in your life more regularly in any small way possible and I wish you much joy as you follow dream seeding with action and a sprinkle of love to water it into life.
The title of this post I believe speaks for itself, not to mention I feel these are essential for optimal functioning and well-being, but let’s look briefly at these themes in relation to the scope of the environment within our energetic and literal fields of experience.
We have an overload of stimulation coming at us from every angle and this increases with the rise of technology, which has seen more accelerated change in the last century than any previous time period.
And to add to that, we have collective patterns, dynamics, emotional baggage and turmoil, and conditioning deep within our DNA all swirling around in heightened levels of surfacing awareness or manifested triggers.
To top things off, we’re experiencing a spiritual evolution that brings rise to it all in the midst of the every day hurdles, life basics, and dream weaving we all manage and work at bringing forth.
Phew! That’s a lot!
And if you have your own personal manifestations of challenges on any or all levels – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually – that you struggle to work through, it’s overwhelming to say the least.
It’s no wonder anxiety, stress, depression, and violence are at all-time highs.
We are thrown every kind of pill, therapy, and more mind chatter and visual eye-candy to cope, suppress, deal with, and overload us with.
But there is little to no teaching of how to redefine our relationship to it all, how to strengthen our abilities to overcome things, and how to harness the capabilities we have, but hardly use or ever tap into.
This post isn’t to address how to correct all of these challenges we experience, as there are many ways, modalities, and supportive channels out there that can help you do that, plus would constitute a VERY long blog. I will, however, share a previous blog post below that touches on boundaries some more for those interested.
What I want to just generally focus on is how important I’ve been seeing the themes of learning how to strengthen our abilities to filter out things, see/feel/experience from more expansive compassionate perspectives, strengthen our boundaries, and exercise personal discernment – just as is the title of this post – truly are.
It can help you to navigate the craziness and this wild world of multi-everything we live in.
While removing ourselves from things can help us to do the inner work and rebalance, and recharge, not to mention help you remain in your own field of reality creating and vibrational resonance, there will come a time when you’ll need to re-enter the world and so having ways to maneuver and process what you experience becomes key.
Besides, we are here to integrate physical and spiritual and bring our gifts into active manifestation. So learning ways to support this process, rather than run to one side or the other, might just be important in that evolution.
As the real proof of the work we’ve done in our private life will show when we do actually get confronted with the external world.
Does that peace translate no matter where you are?
Or does the chaos take over and easily skew you out of balance once again and run your show rather than you being the master of your experiences?
Having tools you can pull from to regain that balance will definitely assist, but also really cultivating your process and trying it out in the world and within your relationships to everyone and everything around you, will help you to become masterful at working alchemy instantly, or at least rather quickly.
It takes time, but step-by-step the process becomes much easier, fluid, rapid, and natural.
And this includes training yourself to embrace ways of experiencing things differently than you’ve been accustomed and conditioned to.
And when you do, you’ll learn that there are gifts within all of the experiences around us that new eyes, stronger sense of self, energetic boundaries, and discernment can assist with.
You begin to naturally gravitate to things that match your stronger and clearer vibration, you filter things naturally and easily without charge, you see the things that are different or used to trigger you as having their own purpose but not bothering you or creating judgments and drains on your energy, you feel more peaceful about things being in divine order that don’t need your ego to define them, you create a strong force field cultivated by your greater creative presence and personal power, and your personal discernment navigates you through and on a much clearer course with lots of hidden gifts along the way to integrate rather than eradicate.
I wrote a couple of comments in reply to a friend on my earlier blog on Bilateral Engaging for Brain Expansion which shared a bit about one way I’ve been cultivating boundaries and more parts of my brain to engage fully, which included these:
“Yes, music/sound is very beneficial to the creative, healing, balancing processes…I can get overstimulated too, and am very sensitive, but I’ve learned to utilize these sensitivities to harness my gifts, rather than take away from them. Kind of like finding your peace within chaos, which comes from within. This process may not be the same for everyone. and there are times I prefer complete silence…I guess my main point of the blog was to say that it’s been like a retraining to experience these otherwise perhaps distracting things to utilize all of me and to actually strengthen parts/gifts, use more of the huge percentage of the brain we don’t, exercise boundaries, which are crucial, support each part’s strengths, and more tangibly access that middle way/void area where the alchemy and magick can take place.”
“I struggled hugely with boundaries all my life, and being a Pisces…that’s a huge challenge as we have absolutely none. It wasn’t until the last 2 or 3 years that I’ve really understood how to manage this and continue to cultivate it in stronger ways…It’s an ever-evolving journey, but has made all the difference. I think many healers/empaths/sensitives struggle with boundaries and it’s become a huge theme at the forefront of our journeys into the next phase of our lives.”
And here’s another blog post I shared on boundaries, if you’re particularly in need or interested in that theme that is clearly surfacing collectively:
It’s hard to believe this was once me and this share will be revealing in terms of things and photos from my life experiences that unveil more pieces of my journey. I’ve lived a very diverse life at both extremes of the spectrum, exploring the dark, the light, the in between….I’ve immersed myself in society’s illusions, spiritual deceptions, and walked in the shoes of being part of the bombardment of messages that are sold to us daily – all to know myself, to know these dynamics, to understand their energy and purpose, and to be able to see that I am all of these and none of these…that I can choose my own reality that now more purely reflects this transmutation I’m coming to experience more and more of, daily.
It’s an ever-flowing evolution of creative execution requiring constant, increasingly conscious presence to hear the voice within.
One of the most visual and tangibly easy ways to share this evolution is through the physical body – my body – the epitome of our divinity that has been abused, mutilated, manipulated by force, neglected, made to feel less than, evil, dirty, and simply hated and made to feel like a punishment for being born as a human in female or male form.
You may not know that at one time I used to:
- drink and in fact used to be an event and convention model for beer, tequila, and rum
- I used to eat meat and dairy, wore leather, and modeled it for promotion to female consumers
- modeled and basically sold sex through scantily clad, “just” covered birthday suit, and lingerie photos in campaigns and fashion shows
- promoted accepted idealism of beauty and physical fitness through exposure of my body and image spending hours in make up and hair chairs for photo shoots
- was a model in an exercise video and promotional photo shoot for it
- modeled for caricatures made of me that were featured as the main character in a zombie comic book series where I was a female military leader combating the zombies and then became one (I do have these comic books, but they are in storage so unable to share at this time)
- modeled and promo modeled for other companies that included sunglasses, California apparel, lingerie, car shows, bars and alcohol based events, upcoming L.A. fashion designers’ shows, California Mart, etc.
- went on rigorous auditions for product commercials I had no connection with and reality dating show call-backs where my essence and personal integrity ultimately made me a mismatch vibrationally and finally not chosen in the end because of that
- filmed public access channel spots that were odd to say the least under the tutelage of a past life abuser that showed up for closure to be rectified
- stayed conscious of every little pound to ensure the right weight for the camera – knowing the difference between 104 and 105 pounds quite intimately
- at one time was a gym extremist monitoring everything that went into my body spending 3 hours a day 5+ days a week working out and exhibiting a fitness model body at 13-14% body fat (that’s the low end of average female athletes)
- evolved into a pescatarian for a while, a vegetarian, and then extreme vegan raw foodist for 2 years
- and when in my teens, like so many today, was drawn in by images in magazines that I idealized and yearned to emulate and look the same as
All of this is of course being my own choice along my path to choose to experience and emulate what I saw all around me in varying forms and through various modes of marketed “ideals” being advertised and being accepted and manipulated into multiple versions of these “ideals” by different channels of the collective that I tuned into. And later, that included even “ideals” in the spiritual/new age community.
I’m sharing some photos (ones I could easily find) from my modeling (above), one from when I was a raw foodist, and a few of me currently, in order to reflect what I’m sharing and the actualization of it.
I wish I had photos from my extreme gym days, as that would really present a contrast, but for some reason I never took photos then, which seems interesting given I was obviously very physically focused in manipulating my body during that time.
I’m sharing several, as I want to share this side of me that people would not associate with me so that you can really get the “picture” of my journey I’m trying to convey.
These fitness photos you see are from my modeling days (post gym days, which were 8- 10 years earlier) when I did an exercise video and photo shoot promotion for it, which I mentioned above.
And although I never became addicted to alcohol, never once touched a cigarette, drug, or any form of altering substance outside of alcohol, never had an eating disorder, nor got sucked into anything truly harmful, I still had an unhealthy lack of self worth, body dysmorphic perception which plagues a large majority of the population to some degree or another, used extremes to make up for energies I had neglected, and immersed in the illusion and numbness that while I thought was to help my body, I feel was still not really actually listening to it.
I was listening to ideas in my mind that weren’t taking into account what my body truly desired, but instead were aligning with what the industry was promoting and women were idealizing. Although everything is always perfect and valuable in its experience, there was in fact a reason energetically for every choice that my body would patiently accompany me on to work out the journey I personally needed to experience.
I am grateful for the fact that some part of me always had this lifeline to my purity of frequency that although was muddled and at times pushed aside to listen to other voices I chose to play out on the experiential scene, it was always there to reel me back in, keep control of things, and aided some level of discernment, even if tiny.
Without that I may have developed major challenges, addictions, or worse. But it also kept me aware of not only what I was continuing to subject myself to, that runs through the history of our DNA as a collective, but what I was reflecting to others in message and continuing to support through that.
I was also grateful that my modeling didn’t take place until I was between 29 and 31, as I was able to walk in that world by appearing young, but bringing along with me some of the consciousness, wisdom, and strength I’d managed to work on in the years before.
Not to mention, I got into it for fun and made it a thing of fun, wondering if, at my older age and at my shorter height than the industry standard, I could enter in and try on these collective roles for a while.
It was not my life or life line. There was no desperation involved.
I merely wanted to experience this realm that I’d been enamored with like many others, from a place of immersion for sake of knowing that energy from experience, and for observation.
I received much in doing so, which included some beautiful experiences of creative self expression, confidence and working through some layers of my shyness, my enjoyment of morphing into different me’s, exploring my shadow literally, working through deep seeded beliefs and conditioning around the body and being a female, stepping into the unempowered AND empowered woman simultaneously, and experiencing vulnerability.
I also got to see and experience firsthand this side of the coin and the underlying currents there, including a continuing disregard for body honoring in ways that lifted the female and male counterparts into their strengths, but rather fed off of the weaknesses instilled over ages of forgetting.
And although I had much, much to learn still, my small lifelines were enough to keep me above water and I think was also the saving grace of my pulling out when I did, right before things could have gone a different course if I’d chosen.
I share this background to express that I have walked in different worlds and I do know from experience what these things are like and have been exposed to much along the way.
When I share this, it’s not coming from someone who doesn’t get it, nor from jealousy because I haven’t been there and wish I was something other than myself in looks or otherwise, or even from a place of out right judgment, as I do really get the perfection of all expressions of energy, dynamics, why they are there, and why individuals feel called to different paths in their life to mirror things they are wanting to learn or simply experience as a soul in physical form, not to mention the collective reflection and expression all of these energies play a part in for us all.
What I share is my personal experience having immersed in much that goes beyond the realm of what this post is about, and what for me, personally, it’s led to as to the reality I experience and create now of my choosing – in this case relating to my body and the relationship I have with it now and my health.
It might perhaps have something that resonates in it for who ever is drawn to find this post and read it. And if not, I’ve put it out there energetically as my contribution to the collective energy pool.
Again, I’d like to reiterate that I do see the purpose in all of this and the things I chose, I came to realize the dynamics of while involved in them and yet still felt compelled to follow it through for purposes of living in these shadow aspects of myself while keeping that lifeline to the core of me. That’s not to mean I was aware of every little thing playing out, but I was aware of this underlying pull to see it through for a reason I couldn’t explain to others and even to myself. And where I allowed unconscious acts to fold in, they were the acts chosen as necessary to my evolution.
I’m so grateful for all of it, as truly, even though I went through some crazy and challenging stuff, my life is richer and I’ve come to know myself quite intimately inside and out of the dark and the light.
In dancing with each, I feel we then can create true alchemy.
That has been the case for many things I went through…and although could have chosen otherwise, I chose to live these things out because for me, that was the way to transmute them and how I evolved the most – by living the experience.
Some more facts about me:
When I was younger, I appeared older and more mature.
When I got older, I appeared younger.
I used to wear revealing clothing when younger and never left home without makeup and looking a certain way – while I am an artist and some of this satisfies my need to be creative and morphing, it also was extreme in living as a certain image I felt I needed to portray, a face or mask I hid behind, or an energy I had out of control within my experience.
I used to own a scale and monitored each pound, which was easy with a strongly placed Capricorn ascendant and Mars in Capricorn in my first house to discipline, control, and shift my outer body’s structure without ever having to become bulimic or anorexic. It was simply mind over matter.
I used to have a personal trainer and wrote down everything I ate, while we monitored my body fat and muscle shifts, measuring everything and doing what the body didn’t want because the mind willed it into tight muscley rigid, command.
Later I went to the extreme of inhaling every superfood, holistic supplementation, doing every cleanse, juicing, and colonic on continual intervals to rewire myself, hiring a personal raw food chef, purchasing raw food books, and adamantly refusing anything that wasn’t raw vegan. I was fanatical in a new extreme way. I went to Bikram yoga and sweated out the “toxins” and immersed heavily into a new version of health and body consciousness that I was surrounded by.
And somewhere in between my extremes, I indulged in so-called “fine” foods and drinking to just drink and do like the others around me. I could hold more alcohol than most people if I wanted and yet still never had any affinity to it, no addiction, nor even really liked most any of it. It was an idea and I could morph into that to assume the experience.
And within each experience and time period of my life I wore clothing that “fit” each of these images I was swimming in.
I’ve lived in the extremes. And I never found or experienced true self love and peace in any of them.
And having immersed in these extremes of realities with focus on different versions of dictating the physical body, which are received in messages from varying camps of thought and then executed by my choice to join them, it had an affect on detaching from honoring the sacred wisdom my body had all on its own, which knows what it wants and how that looks and feels, which isn’t about getting caught in any small or large stream of information and messaging that is being offered by that which is outside the cellular and DNA wisdom within.
In some way or another, although all of these messages are provided with intent to help in their own way, it all still felt to me to be limited, restrictive, and obsessively addictive….to be a way to keep me in subconscious dislike of myself and the physical body’s divine partnership with spirit that is ever-flowing.
The me now:
I no longer strive to be a chiseled woman – my version of dancing in the male energy I yearned to strengthen.
I no longer strive to have a yoga body – my version of dancing in the female energy I then needed to strengthen in direct respect.
I honor each of these and their male and female energetic purposes and value, and yet I’ve been led to find a different way most resonant to the balance and integration I seek. One that honors both my sacred male and female in honoring each’s wisdom and embodying this as an emanating quality where my body relaxes into the expression of each in ways I would not have reasoned out with my mind, but it comes through in listening and supporting action of their wisdom alone.
I now listen to the new male and female within that are learning to recreate themselves in core ways.
What that looks like is not an ultimate end goal result, but an ever-evolving one, day-to-day.
This is not to say that either the extreme chiseled or extreme yoga woman me was wrong in any way, but they truly aren’t me at the core. They may be what others feel is their essence or one might find their own mix of some of each combined with a whole gamut of other versions…like an athlete, dancer, gymnast, etc. too.
We each have a different energy signature and individual expression of All That Is to play out….and for some that will shift along the way, as we uncover the layers to our trueness.
I know that when I was a child it was all about dancing and being a ballerina, which goes along with the Faery me, no doubt. And I continued dancing into adulthood at clubs – even considered at one time being a go-go dancer 🙂 and later took salsa lessons. The dancer would definitely be me, but not in any professional way that would involve rigid discipline and competition, as that doesn’t feed my soul personally.
I dance for the sake of my soul being on fire with passion flowing through me and that might just be in private, or whenever the moment moves me.
This is the difference, for me, with any of these things, as there is a yearning to just flow now, which is what going through my rolfing sessions reiterated to me, which I did in the years later after the gym.
Rolfing helped me to undo and release layers of the old memories and core emotions that were held in my muscles so tightly and to be more of that free dancer, returning my body to its elongated flow and flexibility I resonated with. I’ve even considered doing that again, as I loved what took place in that process of return, which may be potent at this point. Who knows what I might be led to. I’ll listen to my body, though, that’s for sure.
I’ve now melted into my own version of natural, which my body is guiding me toward.
My “diet” of body, mind, heart, and soul is a “nature diet” honoring the “nature of me” and following my soul’s joy, which then my mind supports the actions shared by my body’s rhythms of flowing intelligence.
This to me being a partnership of sacred male and female honoring one another.
And now I have chosen my balance – a balance that most resonates with my soul frequency, the embodiment I choose to inhabit, and the celebration of my nature and inner harmony that continues to find the comfort, self value, and true self love that isn’t about any of this, but about listening to the energy moving through me, who I really am, and what I am really here to experience, embody, and reflect.
Now I just am what I am, melting into all that I’ve processed through these experiences and come to create as my own new reality that isn’t about trying to portray something that has been force fed to me by any realm – media, society, the spiritual community, the health enthusiasts, doctors, “experts”, and even the do-gooders that want to share their revelations they feel others should follow to receive equal happiness and health.
I know what it feels like when we discover things that create such amazing shifts in our lives….there’s excitement to shout it out to the world, as we do have a connection and love shared collectively and there’s this innate feeling to want to be supportive.
And so I still walk that line of feeling challenged on what to express and how to express it, especially knowing that what I say and put out there has its own effects. Sometimes this experience is one of learning out loud in the process of sharing it, from the current place I’m at, how that feels, and readjusting and tweaking things for the future.
I’m a work in progress and have chosen to make that public and be vulnerable about it. That’s my way of being personally accountable. That’s part of my purpose.
But I’ve settled into the same place with this expression, as I have with my own health, vitality, body, weight, physical appearance, etc. – to just be me in the fullest way I know possible, embodying my truth, and the beliefs I hold important enough to walk in the shoes of.
This is what I’m experiencing in terms of my now physicality and health that has come to be reflected, as this is what I’m focusing on for this share:
- looking more integrated, I suppose
- a mixture of innocent and ancient
- having both dark and light
- celebrating my silver hairs that are growing in, even creating an Elvira Faery stripe and letting them adorn my crown with grace as a mirror of the depth of who I am and what I’ve been through
- getting rid of the scale and happily wearing larger sizes
- loving the round curves, the extra Earthy weight, embracing both my fat and muscles and enjoying the softness of my real femininity
- wearing makeup only when I want to express a different creative feminine part of myself or have Faery fun, but am completely at home 90% of the time without
- only being drawn to natural forms of exercise that take me into nature like hiking, biking, and kayaking, yet only with the goal of enjoying and connecting with Earth’s gifts – I never see it as a means to an end in terms of exercise for weight control or to make up for something I ate – and yet I’m still physically fit with a natural balance of fat and muscle
- wearing clothes that mirror how I feel and my unique creative expression alone, which is why I wear skirts and dresses hiking, for example – because it’s more comfortable and me
- being 100% vegan, but muddying up my diet to eat what ever I choose and enjoying things in moderation that my body determines alone and not my mind, not monitoring everything I eat or feeling guilty or like I need to make up for something and not depriving myself. I basically eat what I want – cooked or raw, but pretty much solidly cooked at this point, as that is what resonates for my path right now and my physical needs, along with what I want to manifest – all within my vegan lifestyle choice that matches my soul’s essence and mirrors the expression of my spirit in physical form.
- I don’t drink and haven’t for the last 11 years.
- I am physically fit in terms of my ability to do the things I love, which include hiking and biking several miles pretty much daily (we do anywhere from 2 – 10 miles depending on the trail that calls) and quite quickly when/if desired or the energy moves me, can ascend several thousand feet in elevation or hike at extreme elevation without breathing issues, have complete flexibility with my body even though I don’t do yoga anymore, my bones are stronger than they were when I was eating in any other way (I have fractured multiple bones in the past, whereas an accident I had recently where I clearly should have had a break, hearing things crack, in fact did not happen with the way things are currently).
- My skin is clear and has no more issues with acne that I faced during large parts of my past.
- My hair and nails grow excessively fast – it was only 3 years ago that my hair was buzzed close to my head like a guy, trimmed into different styles since, and now is at the middle of my lower back.
- living a spiritually Earth-based life that I keep learning to balance more and more, as all things are an ever-evolving journey
And I know I will continue to morph, as I continue to grow along my path.
It’s constantly shifting as to what this looks and feels like for me, but this is as best as I can describe it above, for the current experience I’m having and seeing with myself.
If I wanted to change what this physical expression of myself is, I could do that at any moment, but I have no desire to change what has, and is, naturally settling into harmony inside and out.
I’m not thinking it into being…it’s a process of relearning to just “be”.
I may not look like the sleek model me at 104 pounds.
I may not look like the fitness athlete me at 115 pounds of muscle bound physique.
I may not look like the 100% raw vegan lean, light, and waif me at 105 pounds.
I am 43 and a half in Earth years, this go around.
I am 5’5″ and likely weigh about 125+ lbs since the last time I was weighed on a doctor’s scale with clothes on I was 128 in Utah when I had my elbow checked from a mountain biking fall I shared having with miraculously no break. That’s 20+ lbs or more of “natural” love, joy, and harmony than what I allowed as an ideal at one point. And it’s a mix of fat, muscle, soft, firm, thicker and more solid, smooth, ripply, and of course heavily tattooed since my modeling days when I only had two small tattoos – basically fully embodied and grounded.
But best and most importantly of all – I feel at peace.
None of the rest of the above would matter, other than sharing what has evolved as means of where the journey has taken me, as peace is my truest expression to experience even if that means for one more day, week, or 50+ more years of life on this Earth.
My body has found its “harmony zone” where I can basically do what I love most and eat anything that brings me joy within the realm of my “nature” when I listen, nurture, and support what I feel without punishment, guilt, and “ideas” or “charge” about rights and wrongs.
Simply put…it’s in it’s personal harmony zone by following “my” authentic, personal joy, which I’ve been coming to know by walking through many versions and extremes of experience.
I have no issue with sharing my age, weight, etc….as well as have no need to prove anything with sharing them either.
I know that they don’t define me, just like everything shared here doesn’t, but also I have no fear of them.
I don’t need to prove that age and weight don’t matter, just as much as I don’t need to prove that they do.
I share them just as celebration and honor of the totality of who I am right here and now with no need to withhold and no need to say, “hey look at me!”
This is a share of vulnerability.
Exposing my journey.
Exposing my body.
Exposing my dance with shadow and light.
I don’t need to be extreme on either end, but feel that my personal expression and path is about undefining things and being able to move in and out of experiences without taking a side and without need to continue being an extremist or feel a charge around anything.
I honor and am grateful for my entire journey and the energy that has played a part in who I am today that gives me an appreciation and understanding for the spectrum of realities playing out collectively as well.
This is my experience and where I feel most at home. And yet each of the places I found myself in at one time or another, served their purpose in knowing where home is for me.
While I know it may not sound like a huge shift to some people to be 20+ lbs more than I used to be, all experiences are relative and it’s not to be compared, but to be taken at the level of the experience of the individual.
It’s a huge deal, coming from a lifetime of restrictions, monitoring, and delegating to my body in one way or another, to now relax and let go into its own wisdom and comfort that has settled into where it really wants to be.
Although people may say I’m still on the spectrum of “thin,” the key I’m focusing on is how this natural zone of my own health and vitality has come to take root by honoring the core within and having no restrictive measures other than honoring what my essence truly is about, which is the same messaging from spirit of what my soul vibrates at in terms of being 100% vegan – that’s not an idea I contrive – it’s the sustenance needed for my personal frequency and vibration.
I’m my own version of “ideal” that my body wants to express itself as without manipulation. It has settled into the comfort of its own personal haven of peace and pleasure that celebrates my sacred feminine and masculine within.
I’m loving this new me.
I’m loving the ancient me coming through.
I’m loving that I still vibrate youth as well because of my constant heart connection and desire to see the beauty and magick within it all rather than attach to a “look” to strive for or that creates fear and hate around wrinkles or extra weight that is simply nature’s cycles.
Could we defy all of this and ascend into light forms?
Certainly and may do just that, but there is beauty in the process and the stages and dynamics of life that Nature mirrors to us daily. There is nothing wrong with living in the grace of this. We are in human bodies for a reason. We are physical and mirror Nature for a reason.
This “now” me is a reflection of my Middle Way that comes from having explored and deciding what feels most naturally aligned and reflective of my soul signature at this time and where I feel led to move into.
I realize and celebrate that others are not on the same path as me, but in sharing this perhaps it might provide another perspective to create your own version of reality and what you want as YOUR experience of soul in flesh.
Afterall, what we put out there, like it or not, is influencing others and sends a message you may not even realize you’re sending.
And while we all (including myself) may have the best of intentions and truly are experiencing what we in this moment feel as ideal, motivational, or proving a point or message, we might also be carrying a load of underlying messages to others that are unattainable on so many levels including that everyone has different motivators, that it’s not their energetic path as it is yours, and that create extremism in other ways that can still create issues around self worth, self hate, and feeling less than, or more.
And still, this is all perfect too, as there is purpose to the paths we are each currently on, and to what we are drawn to, what we focus on, and the growth these choices have in potential for us.
Being conscious of the full spectrum of dynamics and effects our choices and messages make, make our choices….well….more conscious. 🙂
We impact the collective with everything we do, feel, and say.
If we recognize that our journey here is about our individual self expression of our piece of the collective, we can understand that it all has its place, and the most important piece is YOURS, as the clearer you are with YOUR expression of All That Is, the clearer others will be with theirs.
We place a lot of focus on the outside (and that goes for any realm of society and communities – spiritually or physically focused – that all magnify ideals at us, which include the physical, but also every other level of experience as well).
The physical is the easiest to manipulate, and yet perhaps the inside might know exactly how to formulate the outside if we softened into listening to it.
I don’t have all the answers, and continue to explore, observe, and try to understand the energy streams out there.
But I do know that in my own exploration, the peace has only arrived now.
I have discovered that the body has its own sacred wisdom and divinity that basically knows the perfect balance that honors our essence and will always align us with what it knows as health and vitality if we listen to it, rather than dictate it from a place of dishonor and disregard to its wisdom.
Sure, that is a process and will take some time to balance out, but the more we honor its voice and the very richness of knowledge within its cells and DNA, the more we we find ourselves experiencing true well being.
What ever you do, DO IT FOR YOURSELF and know that it’s about the energy YOU are working with and working out in YOUR own life right now and it’s NOT EVERYONE’S path at this time.
That includes the one I share here of mine.
My journey is simply my expression of this that has naturally evolved, offered as another perspective in the energy stream to explore, and as celebration and honor of your divine human body and its own wisdom to guide you harmoniously.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to judge or change.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to emulate.
There is no perfect way to express any message, as the second you say or write a word, it immediately takes you out of the formless energy that has more expansive meaning than the limiting words that will either be heard differently based on someone’s personal filters and experience, be charged with any residual energy you might not be aware of operating beneath the surface, create an opposing side merely by finiting something, will feel like a personal attack to someone who’s in the middle of their own journey with strong beliefs, come across in a multitude of ways you haven’t even considered by people on all spectrums of conscious and less conscious paths, or so much more.
Anyone on the same frequency stream as you, or that your frequency stream would be supportive to as the next step on someone’s path for what ever reason, will hear through to the energy behind the words.
All I can do is share from where I am in the present moment and I’ve been willing to vulnerably put my experience and thoughts out there publicly, knowing they will not resonate with everyone, let alone any kind of majority.
One must simply be and be okay with that.
And that is a huge part of health and vitality to me….simply being me, as most naturally as possible.
Health and vitality has a new face.
It’s the face of YOUR heart in harmony with YOU.
It is wholesome well-being.
This is a great article by Florence Williams for National Geographic on the beneficial and life-changing effects of getting closer to Nature.
As I keep sharing, it simply isn’t a luxury anymore, but necessity to return to natural harmony and deepen our relationship with Nature around us, as a means to know our true Nature within.
As the article shares, “All this evidence for the benefits of nature is pouring in at a time when disconnection from it is pervasive”.
It’s amazing how little time most people spend in and around Nature and this is starting out as children who spend more time playing with electronics than spending time outdoors. Not to mention most people live in cities where there’s a larger disconnect from Nature unless you make conscious efforts to surround or immerse yourself in it, in some way in your life.
I remember spending my entire days all summer and after school, playing outdoors while I was growing up. And the rest of the time I was either drawing or reading. I remember that my parents and a couple of the friends that took care of us while my parents were away would let me choose a plant of my choice at the nursery and buy a clay pot to put it in that I then got to color with crayons or paint to decorate as my own.
People wonder how to reduce levels of stress that builds the more they fill their lives with everything but Nature. And yet one of the most powerful answers to reharmonizing, balancing, and more vibrant health and well being is right outside your window and door, and just a creative stretch of your mind away.
Any kind of quality time a little each day will make a huge difference.
Whether immersed in quiet reflection with plants and animals, caring for a plant or garden, taking a walk during your work breaks or in the evening when you return home from work, riding a bike instead of watching television, encouraging your children to venture outdoors by showing them some of the things you used to do when you were young or teaching them how to care for a plant or animal companion, taking a drive to the beach or mountains instead of sitting at your computer or going into the city….it’s not hard to do.
It’s just a choice.
Here’s the great article shared by my friend, Hillary, who like me, really knows the difference that experiencing or living in Nature makes in our lives, as she just moved to her dream ranch a few weeks ago:
I was tuning in this morning to see what theme was important to support others with and again got that “being true to oneself”, “taking action on the feelings and intuitive guidance you have in support of that truth”, and “boundaries” were speaking out.
I also know that a lot of people have body image challenges and confusion around wellness “idealism” because of a lot of conditioned messages we’re bombarded by (more than you may even realize from all sources around you), which is why I reblogged and added to this older post of mine last week: True or False? I Am Perfect Just As I Am, which only but scratches the surface of some of these things.
(I went on this last weekend to having a really in-depth discussion about even more myths I started cracking that were so freeing when I brought them to light – you’d be surprised at even the seemingly “positive” conditioning that is controlling your life by some other people’s/person’s/collective idea of idealism)
Anyway, these themes all go hand-in-hand and all of them have a common thread of consistent self-assertion being important.
I then decided to go open up a couple of books I have from Shakti Gawain and Louise L. Hay to see what they may want to share on the subject for everyone and what do you know?
They had a couple of things to say on the pages I opened to that went right along with this and that were in line with one another.
So here are just a few words from Shakti and Louise to help you to begin a new dialogue with yourself, open new perspectives, trigger a shift, and inspire you into living a more authentic, healthy, balanced, and empowered life.
From Shakti Gawain:
Assert Yourself Consistently
“The most important key to creating your perfect body is learning to assert yourself consistently in your life. For example, overweight people may have a pattern of doubting themselves, of being afraid to trust their feelings and act on them. We especially need to learn how to say no to others when we don’t want to do something. Overweight people often try to please and take care of others. When our first priority is to please and take care of others, we are denying who we really are and what we really feel. When we are afraid to be true to ourselves, our bodies will always serve us by reflecting those fears, so we can become conscious of them and heal them.”
“The key to asserting yourself is to take action on your feeling and intuition. I have seen people begin to lose weight or become physically healthier simply by doing something they’ve been afraid to do, or by expressing some feeling they’ve suppressed. By becoming more assertive, underweight people become more willing to take up space in the world. By continuing to speak and act your truth, you will dissolve blocks and find your proper weight.”
Risk Asserting Yourself
“At first the prospect of asserting yourself moment to moment can be frightening. We are not used to stating what we need and taking the action necessary to give it to ourselves. It takes a conscious effort for us to tune in to how we feel and to risk doing it. But once you start, you’ll want to keep doing it. You will have more energy and look more radiant.”
Balancing weight easily and naturally
“Once overweight people learn true assertion, they are often able to lose weight easily and naturally, without any type of deprivation. The increased energy circulating in their bodies dissolves the blocked energy and the extra weight gradually melts away. They do not need it for strength or protection so they release it effortlessly. By the same process of assertion, underweight people release their fear and are able to take in more life and more nourishment. It becomes safe for them to take up more space. If any particular food plan is needed, they will be intuitively led to an appropriate nutritional consultant and diet.”
From Louise L. Hay:
“We need to do more than just treat the symptom. We need to eliminate the cause of the dis-ease. We need to go within ourselves where the process of illness began.
Listen to your body’s messages.
The body, like everything else in life, is a mirror of your inner thoughts and beliefs. Every cell responds to every single thought you think and every word you speak. (My personal note: And might I add, and EVERYTHING that you FEEL)
Good health is having no fatigue, having a good appetite, going to sleep and awakening easily, having a good memory, having good humor, having precision in thought and action, and being honest, humble, grateful and loving. How healthy are you?
Only accept what is best for you.
Some people don’t know how to say ‘no.’ The only way they know how to say ‘no,’ is to be ill.
If I threw a hot potato at you, what would you do with it? Would you catch it? Would you hold it while it was burning your hand? Why would you even catch it? Why don’t you just step out of the way? It is possible to refuse anything, even a gift. Are you aware of that?”