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Things You Don’t Know About Me ~ Finding Purpose in Being


I mentioned to my Facebook friends who were interested that I would share a bit about my journey around purpose and the way that’s evolved through the various forms of work I’ve explored. Like many of you who feel confused or even tormented by this idea of purpose and life path, or who have been searching endlessly to find that cosmic answer that hits you over the head with clarity, I’ve been right there with you in what seemed like endless cycles of searching. But searching keeps us wanting more, whereas presence and listening will bring us home.

The concept of life purpose is a tricky one, as I do believe we each have something unique and perhaps key to our evolution that we choose to come into form to express and further our creative evolution. However, I feel that this dimension can tweak things in a way that makes us want to finite how that expression could be experienced, since we live in a way that wants definitive answers and ultimate results. Beyond this realm we simply have an essence that propels us and here that turns into a drive.

Perhaps that drive plays into some of why we feel confusion, as we try to squeeze our uniqueness into categories, funnel what could be flowing and amorphous, and then condition one another to do the same once that becomes a collective agreement as to the way things should be done. We buy into what success means and ultimately what that needs to look like. We even buy into what happiness is and disregard what makes US feel good.

The concept of life purpose and all the hype around it is a culprit to this in saying that you have this one absolute mission and you must hone in on that now, although I’m not knocking any of the support out there in wanting to help with this. I think explorations into your feelings, passions, unhealthy patterns, and things that make you tick are very helpful, but to limit all of that into a specific feels counterproductive to creative life force energy that looks for any channel of expression. It simply wants out. Doesn’t care how, but if it doesn’t get out that’s where we create challenges.

There doesn’t feel to be one answer in how you live who you are. How incredibly limiting to a limitless being that would be if you had only one choice and then were made to feel wrong or guilty if you don’t do it right. Where’s the purpose in that? We forget our song when we come into birth, so each little tickle to your heart is a way of remembering.

Purpose feels to be about what moves you and what you do that gives your life meaning, value, and enrichment to yourself and others. It’s about how you spend your time well, what feeds you, and feels important. And this can take varying forms of applying the unique gifts and qualities you have in perhaps one, but likely several varying ways that provide these things. And these can evolve over time along with you. It can be through an actual job/work, in your family and personal life, through volunteer work, passions and side projects, or all of these.

It can be how you do you as well as you can in every waking moment of life and in every encounter, experience, choice, action, expression, and connection you make.

Look at what you’re willing to put in as effort, as everything will take effort of some sort no matter if you love it or not. To say your purpose just happens is false. You have to make the choice and follow through. Although when you align yourself with what naturally feels good, it is easier since you aren’t using energy to balance out things. Yet, every day and moment is a choice and while alignment does create greater flow and opportunities, you still have to take action or do the work. Purpose doesn’t hand things on a silver platter. It’s rising to the occasion of what calls to you.

If painting calls to you, you still have to paint.

If making music calls, you still have to practice your instrument, write the music, and perform.

If it’s writing, well you have to write.

If it’s being a doctor, you’ll still have to get your degree and show up every day at your best.

If it’s being a receptionist, you’ll have to take that job interview and express your personality and social skills with every person you interface with.

If it’s being a mom or dad, you still have to show up and be ready to challenge yourself to love more unconditionally each day.

And guess what? You might do all of these, but you’ll still have to create the time, commit to each expression, and choose to be present with how they all want to channel through you in your own unique way. That’s the beauty of it. You can find your own way of satisfying how you spend your time well – your purpose.

If you look at the things that come naturally to you, that make you smile in your heart, feel good, and are what you loved as a child, let that be your gauge and guiding force without trying to figure out how that needs to look or compare it to what everyone else around you is doing or how they are labeling things, not pressure yourself to hurry up or belittle yourself that you’re so far behind and should be further by now. According to what? That’s an answer you give yourself if you aren’t being present with each moment.

You have to be willing to be more vulnerable and not care what others think, pay attention to the times you get lost in something and lose track of time – which indicates being in the zone, ask yourself what you’re passionate about and how in any way that is part of your life or can be incorporated – not only as a “job” – and then understand that action creates momentum and fuels passion.

That all said, it’s not necessarily that the job you’re doing is wrong, but perhaps it’s an unhealthy work environment, or your approach, judgments, and process of handling it aren’t healthy, you’re out of alignment with your perspective and response to things, your life isn’t balanced so triggers are being created, you aren’t embracing and being grateful for the aspects of the work you do that you shine in and enjoy, you aren’t engaging your passions in some way, which would then make your life more meaningful and fulfilling no matter where you find yourself.

Chances are, what ever work you’re currently doing, you do have a propensity for it and skills, or there are elements to it that you truly do enjoy and shine in. Perhaps it’s the part of you that knows how to motivate a team towards goals, your ability to listen and problem solve, a joy for numbers and details, you’re a great organizer, an awesome leader, have exceptional customer service skills, love interfacing with people, really enjoy the innovative aspects you get to incorporate in idea exploration, you’re incredible with your hands, love building things, are amazing at comforting others, etc.

So, yes, not all of your job might be fun, but those parts are where you excel and get lost. Focus there. And if you need to express other gifts and passions, see how either you can incorporate them or are overlooking them, or can do them in another way in your life. I guarantee when you do these things you will be in the flow and more choices will show up and you’ll know exactly what to choose or do next because you aren’t waiting to have that one thing happen to you. You are engaging your essence now and that creates alignment in any situation you’re in or for new ones to present themselves in form or idea to take action on next. It’s a step-by-step process, but can be fulfilling in each moment if you are being present and creating a balanced way of approaching and expressing your life.

Be mindful if you’re in an unhealthy situation, but weed out everything before saying you’re simply not doing your purpose. There’s likely a lot you’re overlooking because you’e caught up in an idea and also being bombarded by confusing signals you haven’t taken reign of yet. There may be skills you can utilize to make it better or right. You may need to just respect yourself more or stand up to something. You maybe just need to switch companies, rather than the job itself. In some cases you might want to shift gears of how you express that gift and go a completely different direction, but in the meantime, make the most of what you have, as you don’t have to suffer while making that shift. And if you take the actions within your job now, you’ll find how that creates opportunities and openings, not to mention greater peace and fulfillment immediately.

Recently I was triggered to review all the different things I’ve done and explored on my journey of work/life path that a lot of people don’t realize I’ve done, as they only see me now. This is likely the case for many of you and this is what prompted sharing a more revealing insight on my journey, including that spectrum I went through and what I’ve discovered about purpose and alignment for myself, which could be helpful in some way for you.

I thought I would list out everything that I could remember having explored, placing them in categories so that not only would you see what I actually did, but seriously took steps toward and spent time feeling out. All of this was in effort to “find myself” and my “purpose.” I likely at the time appeared to be scattered, fickle, non-committal, foolish, or even crazy. Yet, it’s in the journey of all of this that I’ve been able to finally find peace and see it from a bigger picture perspective I couldn’t see then while caught up in it all.

And while some of these things will seem so opposite or odd in terms of what I do now, I can say with all honesty that any of these things could easily have been continued, if I knew then, what I know now, as each of them DID in fact express some of the gifts and things I enjoyed and excelled in. Some, even, were already tapping into my North Node in Capricorn, which is a focus now for me, as our North Nodes do speak to that infamous “life purpose.” In fact, I was on that path immediately when I was a junior in high school getting accepted already into FIDM with this drive of wanting to get on with life already and out of school because I had a vision of my career. Choices, however, created a detour to unfold each petal for greater understanding of this whole picture playing out.

It was all a journey of learning, but truly the reasons at the heart of why I left these positions or didn’t pursue them was because of my unhealthy approach to the jobs – as in I didn’t have balance in my life and was an extremist at the time so I overworked myself to the point of burn out and didn’t have boundaries resulting in affecting my health and well being. I didn’t know how to speak up for myself, I was afraid to make the wrong decision in terms of choosing the wrong life path (not understanding how a choice simply would lead to more choices just on a different trajectory), I was put off by the processes and commitment I had to make to it, I hadn’t worked through some of my fears and didn’t see these as opportunities at the time like I did later, and the list goes on.

Yet ALL of these things I DID enjoy on some level when I allowed myself to just be in that moment of the aspects that I got lost in and made me shine.

Here is the list I came up with.

Jobs I Had:

  • Hostess at a Restaurant – twice (First at Olive Garden when I was 16 and later at Il Fornaio becoming a lead hostess)
  • Claims Processor & Promoted to Small Claims Medical Examiner – Worker’s Compensation Insurance
  • Loss Control Secretary – Overseeing 5 Field Reps in Worker’s Compensation Insurance (Different company than above jobs)
  • Makeup Artist – Department store makeup lines
  • Receptionist/Secretary/Personal Assistant/Asst. Office Manager – Investment Firm
  • Custom Art Business – Paintings/Murals/Logos/Faux Painting/Art & Writing for a start-up Children’s Show (my first entrepreneurial business)
  • Modeling/Extra Work – Fashion shows/Promo Modeling/Ads/Videos/Dance Shows – here’s my blog post on that: Discovering My “Harmony Zone” of Health & Vitality
  • Photographer’s Assistant – Worked with a school photographer setting up equipment, the space & handling/organizing kids Kindergarten – High School
  • Reiki Master Teacher – Offered sessions & training
  • Tarot & Animal Readings
  • Author – Wrote & self-published a book – working on a second
  • Sacred Tattoo Designer
  • Artist – Custom and original work
  • Crystal Jewelry & Healing Tools Creator
  • Retreat Leader
  • Workshop Teacher
  • Sound Healer
  • Procured & Sold Crystals
  • Intuitive Guidance Coach
  • Currently manage rental properties

Degrees/Training/Certifications I Got:

  • AA in Merchandise Marketing
  • Medical Billing Certification
  • Makeup Artist Certification
  • Acting Classes
  • Reiki Master Teacher Certification
  • Metaphysical Training

Promotions/Job Offers/Opportunities I Rejected After Interviewing For:

  • Claims Examiner – Worker’s Compensation Insurance
  • Jewelry Designer for a Jewelry Shop
  • Flight Attendant School
  • Jobs in Women’s Retail Clothing
  • Art Teacher through an Art School

Paths I Seriously Considered/Took Steps Toward/Spent Time Exploring & Feeling Into:

  • Fashion Designer – was my first passion before I settled on Merchandise Marketing
  • Buyer for Department Store/Fashion Coordinator
  • Personal Trainer
  • Horse Assistant at Ranch
  • Custom Meal Service/Catering
  • Cleaning Business
  • Personal Assistant
  • Retreat Center – Almost bought land & started
  • Animal Acupuncturist – Specializing in rabbits

Volunteer Work:

  • Rabbit Rescue

I’m not sure if I’m missing anything else, but I think this gives you enough of an idea of how varied and extensive my explorations were and how much I was searching for things right under my nose. In some way, I utilize all of these skills and gifts still to this day in my work and personal life. They just have translated differently based on the new choices I’m making and aligning with in each moment.

Again, truly any of these things, if approached with a healthy perspective, could have been more than what they turned out to be. And yet, they still all DID help me to learn about myself and the things I enjoyed and excelled in.

It’s only now that I have learned about and created balance in my life, that I can see it all for what it is and understand how each piece spoke to a part of me and can even be traced to my Astrological placements and the skills I came into this life with that can be utilized in productive or nonproductive ways depending on my perspective.

There is opportunity in every moment to be living your “purpose.” It’s up to you how you choose to express that, but know that in fact there is no one right way.

At the end of the day or the end of your life, the question to ask yourself is, did I live my life well?

Seeding Possibilities & Cultivating Well-Being


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Did you know that playing, being silly, laughing, and approaching life with curiosity are incredibly supportive and boosting to your overall well-being, quality of life, creative energy, and your immune system? When you keep that connection to your inner child alive, you experience the benefits of a healthy, low to no stress, and constantly wondrous way of experiencing life, rather than living in continuous fret and fear. Other ways to create better quality of life, experience more balance and harmony, as well as enhanced presence, perception, and intuitive and creative abilities are spending more time in nature, communing with the natural world in any form, as well as being willing to challenge yourself to embrace change more by aligning your vibration with things rather than fighting them.

Spring is a wonderful opportunity to explore where you feel called to plant new seeds in any area of your life and commit to cultivating it. Sometimes if you literally do this, it will stream into your life in ways you can’t imagine.

By literal I mean plant actually seeds or nurture a cherished plant or animal with the intention that it signifies something in your life you also want to blossom. Then watch this trickle out into more enthusiasm and energy pouring into the actual thing you do want to manifest. If you can devote even just a little of your love and attention to something and see the results, you understand how this process can be duplicated in the rest of your life as well. It doesn’t have to be an overnight thing, but you will see the benefits simply by committing to it.

I was a bit overwhelmed, to say the least, when I discovered the nudge to write this new book of mine and that it ended up developing into much more than I originally thought it would be. Yet, with continued commitment and nurturing of the process that presented itself to me, it’s become a wondrous journey of enjoyment, self growth, and creative enhancement that fuels passion in my life and opened up so many new doors of potentials unraveling. All, simply by deciding to nurture that seed within me that was stirring like a Cosmic cauldron of possibility.

And with Spring here, I’m doing the other thing I shared with you, as in literally planting seeds – 72 to be exact – that will have twofold purpose of nurturing Astrid’s needs, but also symbolically representing the plethora of new ideas brewing within me to manifest. I decided to grow organic baby plants for her all by seed this time, since my bulbs I planted in Autumn did so well. Crossing finger, toes, and wings this success rate continues! 😉

I recently saw an exciting discovery of sprouting from the five daffodil bulbs I planted last year when our house was in renovation. I planted them on the Full Moon, in fact, which was an intention for planting my garden of life with hopes of my dreams to blossom. And, they have been and are continuing to. When I planted them, a very healthy earthworm revealed herself in the soil where I dug their rooting ground, and I knew this was a sign that all would be well and supported because of my willingness to plant the seeds and care for them. Then Winter came and went and with Spring thaw they started sprouting.

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I later planted several variety of irises – all of these bulbs gifted to me by special Faery, Laura from her garden. Apparently the irises will come later she told me and within a month or so I should see them too! Soon we’ll have lovely blooms and surprise colors lining the entry to our home! And my own garden of dreams will be mirroring this blooming.

And that leads to the baby plants intended for Astrid. I’ve started all the bunny goodness in this mini greenhouse indoors and have a seedling heat mat under it too.

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Normally, in California I just directly planted the seeds in my Garden Tower or in the ground, but here with the difference in weather, am needing to begin indoors and then can transplant into my Garden Tower outside my office sliding door that has the perfect Southwest exposure.

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I’m growing her two kinds of Romaine, cilantro, dill, sage, oregano, arugula, sweet basil, lemon balm, endive, dandelion, and a variety of wildflowers.

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I do everything by faery intuition and am organic in my processes so it’s always a lovely surprise to see what unfolds. Yet, I see the mirroring reflection of the creative projects I am cultivating step-by-step in my life as well.

I love the action of seeding intention in literal ways, as other things percolate and evolve.

And action puts creative energy into motion and exponentially grows the possibilities.

Add in love to cultivate and nurture it and you’ll eventually find yourself smelling the roses in your garden of blossoms that manifest.

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And speaking of new doors and closing old ones. Yesterday, I sent out a newsletter announcing it to be my last, as I am feeling led to close my Constant Contact account to focus elsewhere. I also announced that I’ll eventually have a new website and likely new email address, which could look like this blog evolving into new paths of sharing, or a separate website to replace my two others of http://www.taniamarie.com and http://www.spiritualskin.com.

So for now, that means really that this blog site is the best way to keep updated and receive inspiration, especially if you’re not on any social media platforms, where I also share. It’s also the best way to contact me if you don’t have my email, or if in the event my email gets changed, as I foresee.

These won’t happen immediately since it’s still in percolation, although you never know when since I’m someone who once I get the idea to do something and the nudge it needs to be done now, doesn’t linger.

I am constantly guided to fully close the old doors, so that my energy isn’t still lingering around in anything and can fully be propelling me in the forward momentum of the seeds I’ve planted.

Wishing you an expansive Spring of possibilities!

I hope you find nature to be a companion in your life more regularly in any small way possible and I wish you much joy as you follow dream seeding with action and a sprinkle of love to water it into life.

Filters, Perspectives, Boundaries & Discernment


The title of this post I believe speaks for itself, not to mention I feel these are essential for optimal functioning and well-being, but let’s look briefly at these themes in relation to the scope of the environment within our energetic and literal fields of experience.

We have an overload of stimulation coming at us from every angle and this increases with the rise of technology, which has seen more accelerated change in the last century than any previous time period.

And to add to that, we have collective patterns, dynamics, emotional baggage and turmoil, and conditioning deep within our DNA all swirling around in heightened levels of surfacing awareness or manifested triggers.

To top things off, we’re experiencing a spiritual evolution that brings rise to it all in the midst of the every day hurdles, life basics, and dream weaving we all manage and work at bringing forth.

Phew! That’s a lot!

And if you have your own personal manifestations of challenges on any or all levels – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually – that you struggle to work through, it’s overwhelming to say the least.

It’s no wonder anxiety, stress, depression, and violence are at all-time highs.

We are thrown every kind of pill, therapy, and more mind chatter and visual eye-candy to cope, suppress, deal with, and overload us with.

But there is little to no teaching of how to redefine our relationship to it all, how to strengthen our abilities to overcome things, and how to harness the capabilities we have, but hardly use or ever tap into.

This post isn’t to address how to correct all of these challenges we experience, as there are many ways, modalities, and supportive channels out there that can help you do that, plus would constitute a VERY long blog. I will, however, share a previous blog post below that touches on boundaries some more for those interested.

What I want to just generally focus on is how important I’ve been seeing the themes of learning how to strengthen our abilities to filter out things, see/feel/experience from more expansive compassionate perspectives, strengthen our boundaries, and exercise personal discernment – just as is the title of this post – truly are.

It can help you to navigate the craziness and this wild world of multi-everything we live in.

While removing ourselves from things can help us to do the inner work and rebalance, and recharge, not to mention help you remain in your own field of reality creating and vibrational resonance, there will come a time when you’ll need to re-enter the world and so having ways to maneuver and process what you experience becomes key.

Besides, we are here to integrate physical and spiritual and bring our gifts into active manifestation. So learning ways to support this process, rather than run to one side or the other, might just be important in that evolution.

As the real proof of the work we’ve done in our private life will show when we do actually get confronted with the external world.

Does that peace translate no matter where you are?

Or does the chaos take over and easily skew you out of balance once again and run your show rather than you being the master of your experiences?

Having tools you can pull from to regain that balance will definitely assist, but also really cultivating your process and trying it out in the world and within your relationships to everyone and everything around you, will help you to become masterful at working alchemy instantly, or at least rather quickly.

It takes time, but step-by-step the process becomes much easier, fluid, rapid, and natural.

And this includes training yourself to embrace ways of experiencing things differently than you’ve been accustomed and conditioned to.

And when you do, you’ll learn that there are gifts within all of the experiences around us that new eyes, stronger sense of self, energetic boundaries, and discernment can assist with.

You begin to naturally gravitate to things that match your stronger and clearer vibration, you filter things naturally and easily without charge, you see the things that are different or used to trigger you as having their own purpose but not bothering you or creating judgments and drains on your energy, you feel more peaceful about things being in divine order that don’t need your ego to define them, you create a strong force field cultivated by your greater creative presence and personal power, and your personal discernment navigates you through and on a much clearer course with lots of hidden gifts along the way to integrate rather than eradicate.

I wrote a couple of comments in reply to a friend on my earlier blog on Bilateral Engaging for Brain Expansion which shared a bit about one way I’ve been cultivating boundaries and more parts of my brain to engage fully, which included these:

“Yes, music/sound is very beneficial to the creative, healing, balancing processes…I can get overstimulated too, and am very sensitive, but I’ve learned to utilize these sensitivities to harness my gifts, rather than take away from them. Kind of like finding your peace within chaos, which comes from within. This process may not be the same for everyone. and there are times I prefer complete silence…I guess my main point of the blog was to say that it’s been like a retraining to experience these otherwise perhaps distracting things to utilize all of me and to actually strengthen parts/gifts, use more of the huge percentage of the brain we don’t, exercise boundaries, which are crucial, support each part’s strengths, and more tangibly access that middle way/void area where the alchemy and magick can take place.”

“I struggled hugely with boundaries all my life, and being a Pisces…that’s a huge challenge as we have absolutely none. It wasn’t until the last 2 or 3 years that I’ve really understood how to manage this and continue to cultivate it in stronger ways…It’s an ever-evolving journey, but has made all the difference. I think many healers/empaths/sensitives struggle with boundaries and it’s become a huge theme at the forefront of our journeys into the next phase of our lives.”

And here’s another blog post I shared on boundaries, if you’re particularly in need or interested in that theme that is clearly surfacing collectively:

Boundaries Create Balance & Thriving

Discovering My “Harmony Zone” of Health & Vitality ~ Wholesome Well-Being


 

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It’s hard to believe this was once me and this share will be revealing in terms of things and photos from my life experiences that unveil more pieces of my journey. I’ve lived a very diverse life at both extremes of the spectrum, exploring the dark, the light, the in between….I’ve immersed myself in society’s illusions, spiritual deceptions, and walked in the shoes of being part of the bombardment of messages that are sold to us daily – all to know myself, to know these dynamics, to understand their energy and purpose, and to be able to see that I am all of these and none of these…that I can choose my own reality that now more purely reflects this transmutation I’m coming to experience more and more of, daily.

It’s an ever-flowing evolution of creative execution requiring constant, increasingly conscious presence to hear the voice within.

One of the most visual and tangibly easy ways to share this evolution is through the physical body – my body – the epitome of our divinity that has been abused, mutilated, manipulated by force, neglected, made to feel less than, evil, dirty, and simply hated and made to feel like a punishment for being born as a human in female or male form.

You may not know that at one time I used to:

  • drink and in fact used to be an event and convention model for beer, tequila, and rum
  • I used to eat meat and dairy, wore leather, and modeled it for promotion to female consumers
  • modeled and basically sold sex through scantily clad, “just” covered birthday suit, and lingerie photos in campaigns and fashion shows
  • promoted accepted idealism of beauty and physical fitness through exposure of my body and image spending hours in make up and hair chairs for photo shoots
  • was a model in an exercise video and promotional photo shoot for it
  • modeled for caricatures made of me that were featured as the main character in a zombie comic book series where I was a female military leader combating the zombies and then became one (I do have these comic books, but they are in storage so unable to share at this time)
  • modeled and promo modeled for other companies that included sunglasses, California apparel, lingerie, car shows, bars and alcohol based events, upcoming L.A. fashion designers’ shows, California Mart, etc.
  • went on rigorous auditions for product commercials I had no connection with and reality dating show call-backs where my essence and personal integrity ultimately made me a mismatch vibrationally and finally not chosen in the end because of that
  • filmed public access channel spots that were odd to say the least under the tutelage of a past life abuser that showed up for closure to be rectified
  • stayed conscious of every little pound to ensure the right weight for the camera – knowing the difference between 104 and 105 pounds quite intimately
  • at one time was a gym extremist monitoring everything that went into my body spending 3 hours a day 5+ days a week working out and exhibiting a fitness model body at 13-14% body fat (that’s the low end of average female athletes)
  • evolved into a pescatarian for a while, a vegetarian, and then extreme vegan raw foodist for 2 years
  • and when in my teens, like so many today, was drawn in by images in magazines that I idealized and yearned to emulate and look the same as

All of this is of course being my own choice along my path to choose to experience and emulate what I saw all around me in varying forms and through various modes of marketed “ideals” being advertised and being accepted and manipulated into multiple versions of these “ideals” by different channels of the collective that I tuned into. And later, that included even “ideals” in the spiritual/new age community.

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Captain Morgan girl me

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Tequila girl me in Vegas

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I’m sharing some photos (ones I could easily find) from my modeling (above), one from when I was a raw foodist, and a few of me currently, in order to reflect what I’m sharing and the actualization of it.

I wish I had photos from my extreme gym days, as that would really present a contrast, but for some reason I never took photos then, which seems interesting given I was obviously very physically focused in manipulating my body during that time.

I’m sharing several, as I want to share this side of me that people would not associate with me so that you can really get the “picture” of my journey I’m trying to convey.

These fitness photos you see are from my modeling days (post gym days, which were 8- 10 years earlier) when I did an exercise video and photo shoot promotion for it, which I mentioned above.

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And although I never became addicted to alcohol, never once touched a cigarette, drug, or any form of altering substance outside of alcohol, never had an eating disorder, nor got sucked into anything truly harmful, I still had an unhealthy lack of self worth, body dysmorphic perception which plagues a large majority of the population to some degree or another, used extremes to make up for energies I had neglected, and immersed in the illusion and numbness that while I thought was to help my body, I feel was still not really actually listening to it.

I was listening to ideas in my mind that weren’t taking into account what my body truly desired, but instead were aligning with what the industry was promoting and women were idealizing. Although everything is always perfect and valuable in its experience, there was in fact a reason energetically for every choice that my body would patiently accompany me on to work out the journey I personally needed to experience.

I am grateful for the fact that some part of me always had this lifeline to my purity of frequency that although was muddled and at times pushed aside to listen to other voices I chose to play out on the experiential scene, it was always there to reel me back in, keep control of things, and aided some level of discernment, even if tiny.

Without that I may have developed major challenges, addictions, or worse. But it also kept me aware of not only what I was continuing to subject myself to, that runs through the history of our DNA as a collective, but what I was reflecting to others in message and continuing to support through that.

I was also grateful that my modeling didn’t take place until I was between 29 and 31, as I was able to walk in that world by appearing young, but bringing along with me some of the consciousness, wisdom, and strength I’d managed to work on in the years before.

Not to mention, I got into it for fun and made it a thing of fun, wondering if, at my older age and at my shorter height than the industry standard, I could enter in and try on these collective roles for a while.

It was not my life or life line. There was no desperation involved.

I merely wanted to experience this realm that I’d been enamored with like many others, from a place of immersion for sake of knowing that energy from experience, and for observation.

I received much in doing so, which included some beautiful experiences of creative self expression, confidence and working through some layers of my shyness, my enjoyment of morphing into different me’s, exploring my shadow literally, working through deep seeded beliefs and conditioning around the body and being a female, stepping into the unempowered AND empowered woman simultaneously, and experiencing vulnerability.

I also got to see and experience firsthand this side of the coin and the underlying currents there, including a continuing disregard for body honoring in ways that lifted the female and male counterparts into their strengths, but rather fed off of the weaknesses instilled over ages of forgetting.

And although I had much, much to learn still, my small lifelines were enough to keep me above water and I think was also the saving grace of my pulling out when I did, right before things could have gone a different course if I’d chosen.

I share this background to express that I have walked in different worlds and I do know from experience what these things are like and have been exposed to much along the way.

When I share this, it’s not coming from someone who doesn’t get it, nor from jealousy because I haven’t been there and wish I was something other than myself in looks or otherwise, or even from a place of out right judgment, as I do really get the perfection of all expressions of energy, dynamics, why they are there, and why individuals feel called to different paths in their life to mirror things they are wanting to learn or simply experience as a soul in physical form, not to mention the collective reflection and expression all of these energies play a part in for us all.

What I share is my personal experience having immersed in much that goes beyond the realm of what this post is about, and what for me, personally, it’s led to as to the reality I experience and create now of my choosing – in this case relating to my body and the relationship I have with it now and my health.

It might perhaps have something that resonates in it for who ever is drawn to find this post and read it. And if not, I’ve put it out there energetically as my contribution to the collective energy pool.

Again, I’d like to reiterate that I do see the purpose in all of this and the things I chose, I came to realize the dynamics of while involved in them and yet still felt compelled to follow it through for purposes of living in these shadow aspects of myself while keeping that lifeline to the core of me. That’s not to mean I was aware of every little thing playing out, but I was aware of this underlying pull to see it through for a reason I couldn’t explain to others and even to myself. And where I allowed unconscious acts to fold in, they were the acts chosen as necessary to my evolution.

I’m so grateful for all of it, as truly, even though I went through some crazy and challenging stuff, my life is richer and I’ve come to know myself quite intimately inside and out of the dark and the light.

In dancing with each, I feel we then can create true alchemy.

That has been the case for many things I went through…and although could have chosen otherwise, I chose to live these things out because for me, that was the way to transmute them and how I evolved the most – by living the experience.

Some more facts about me:

When I was younger, I appeared older and more mature.

When I got older, I appeared younger.

I used to wear revealing clothing when younger and never left home without makeup and looking a certain way – while I am an artist and some of this satisfies my need to be creative and morphing, it also was extreme in living as a certain image I felt I needed to portray, a face or mask I hid behind, or an energy I had out of control within my experience.

I used to own a scale and monitored each pound, which was easy with a strongly placed Capricorn ascendant and Mars in Capricorn in my first house to discipline, control, and shift my outer body’s structure without ever having to become bulimic or anorexic. It was simply mind over matter.

I used to have a personal trainer and wrote down everything I ate, while we monitored my body fat and muscle shifts, measuring everything and doing what the body didn’t want because the mind willed it into tight muscley rigid, command.

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The 100% raw vegan me at my art booth in the Sedona Raw Spirit Fest at 105 lbs of waif, lean, floaty presence when I lost my curves including chest, hips, and the bubble butt I always had as my trademark 😉

 

Later I went to the extreme of inhaling every superfood, holistic supplementation, doing every cleanse, juicing, and colonic on continual intervals to rewire myself, hiring a personal raw food chef, purchasing raw food books, and adamantly refusing anything that wasn’t raw vegan. I was fanatical in a new extreme way. I went to Bikram yoga and sweated out the “toxins” and immersed heavily into a new version of health and body consciousness that I was surrounded by.

And somewhere in between my extremes, I indulged in so-called “fine” foods and drinking to just drink and do like the others around me. I could hold more alcohol than most people if I wanted and yet still never had any affinity to it, no addiction, nor even really liked most any of it. It was an idea and I could morph into that to assume the experience.

And within each experience and time period of my life I wore clothing that “fit” each of these images I was swimming in.

I’ve lived in the extremes. And I never found or experienced true self love and peace in any of them.

And having immersed in these extremes of realities with focus on different versions of dictating the physical body, which are received in messages from varying camps of thought and then executed by my choice to join them, it had an affect on detaching from honoring the sacred wisdom my body had all on its own, which knows what it wants and how that looks and feels, which isn’t about getting caught in any small or large stream of information and messaging that is being offered by that which is outside the cellular and DNA wisdom within.

In some way or another, although all of these messages are provided with intent to help in their own way, it all still felt to me to be limited, restrictive, and obsessively addictive….to be a way to keep me in subconscious dislike of myself and the physical body’s divine partnership with spirit that is ever-flowing.

The me now:

I no longer strive to be a chiseled woman – my version of dancing in the male energy I yearned to strengthen.

I no longer strive to have a yoga body – my version of dancing in the female energy I then needed to strengthen in direct respect.

I honor each of these and their male and female energetic purposes and value, and yet I’ve been led to find a different way most resonant to the balance and integration I seek. One that honors both my sacred male and female in honoring each’s wisdom and embodying this as an emanating quality where my body relaxes into the expression of each in ways I would not have reasoned out with my mind, but it comes through in listening and supporting action of their wisdom alone.

I now listen to the new male and female within that are learning to recreate themselves in core ways.

What that looks like is not an ultimate end goal result, but an ever-evolving one, day-to-day.

This is not to say that either the extreme chiseled or extreme yoga woman me was wrong in any way, but they truly aren’t me at the core. They may be what others feel is their essence or one might find their own mix of some of each combined with a whole gamut of other versions…like an athlete, dancer, gymnast, etc. too.

We each have a different energy signature and individual expression of All That Is to play out….and for some that will shift along the way, as we uncover the layers to our trueness.

I know that when I was a child it was all about dancing and being a ballerina, which goes along with the Faery me, no doubt. And I continued dancing into adulthood at clubs – even considered at one time being a go-go dancer 🙂 and later took salsa lessons. The dancer would definitely be me, but not in any professional way that would involve rigid discipline and competition, as that doesn’t feed my soul personally.

I dance for the sake of my soul being on fire with passion flowing through me and that might just be in private, or whenever the moment moves me.

This is the difference, for me, with any of these things, as there is a yearning to just flow now, which is what going through my rolfing sessions reiterated to me, which I did in the years later after the gym.

Rolfing helped me to undo and release layers of the old memories and core emotions that were held in my muscles so tightly and to be more of that free dancer, returning my body to its elongated flow and flexibility I resonated with. I’ve even considered doing that again, as I loved what took place in that process of return, which may be potent at this point. Who knows what I might be led to. I’ll listen to my body, though, that’s for sure.

I’ve now melted into my own version of natural, which my body is guiding me toward.

My “diet” of body, mind, heart, and soul is a “nature diet” honoring the “nature of me” and following my soul’s joy, which then my mind supports the actions shared by my body’s rhythms of flowing intelligence.

This to me being a partnership of sacred male and female honoring one another.

And now I have chosen my balance – a balance that most resonates with my soul frequency, the embodiment I choose to inhabit, and the celebration of my nature and inner harmony that continues to find the comfort, self value, and true self love that isn’t about any of this, but about listening to the energy moving through me, who I really am, and what I am really here to experience, embody, and reflect.

Now I just am what I am, melting into all that I’ve processed through these experiences and come to create as my own new reality that isn’t about trying to portray something that has been force fed to me by any realm – media, society, the spiritual community, the health enthusiasts, doctors, “experts”, and even the do-gooders that want to share their revelations they feel others should follow to receive equal happiness and health.

I know what it feels like when we discover things that create such amazing shifts in our lives….there’s excitement to shout it out to the world, as we do have a connection and love shared collectively and there’s this innate feeling to want to be supportive.

And so I still walk that line of feeling challenged on what to express and how to express it, especially knowing that what I say and put out there has its own effects. Sometimes this experience is one of learning out loud in the process of sharing it, from the current place I’m at, how that feels, and readjusting and tweaking things for the future.

I’m a work in progress and have chosen to make that public and be vulnerable about it. That’s my way of being personally accountable. That’s part of my purpose.

But I’ve settled into the same place with this expression, as I have with my own health, vitality, body, weight, physical appearance, etc. – to just be me in the fullest way I know possible, embodying my truth, and the beliefs I hold important enough to walk in the shoes of.

This is what I’m experiencing in terms of my now physicality and health that has come to be reflected, as this is what I’m focusing on for this share:

  • looking more integrated, I suppose
  • a mixture of innocent and ancient
  • having both dark and light
  • celebrating my silver hairs that are growing in, even creating an Elvira Faery stripe and letting them adorn my crown with grace as a mirror of the depth of who I am and what I’ve been through

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  • getting rid of the scale and happily wearing larger sizes
  • loving the round curves, the extra Earthy weight, embracing both my fat and muscles and enjoying the softness of my real femininity
  • wearing makeup only when I want to express a different creative feminine part of myself or have Faery fun, but am completely at home 90% of the time without
  • only being drawn to natural forms of exercise that take me into nature like hiking, biking, and kayaking, yet only with the goal of enjoying and connecting with Earth’s gifts – I never see it as a means to an end in terms of exercise for weight control or to make up for something I ate – and yet I’m still physically fit with a natural balance of fat and muscle
  • wearing clothes that mirror how I feel and my unique creative expression alone, which is why I wear skirts and dresses hiking, for example – because it’s more comfortable and me
  • being 100% vegan, but muddying up my diet to eat what ever I choose and enjoying things in moderation that my body determines alone and not my mind, not monitoring everything I eat or feeling guilty or like I need to make up for something and not depriving myself. I basically eat what I want – cooked or raw, but pretty much solidly cooked at this point, as that is what resonates for my path right now and my physical needs, along with what I want to manifest – all within my vegan lifestyle choice that matches my soul’s essence and mirrors the expression of my spirit in physical form.
  • I don’t drink and haven’t for the last 11 years.
  • I am physically fit in terms of my ability to do the things I love, which include hiking and biking several miles pretty much daily (we do anywhere from 2 – 10 miles depending on the trail that calls) and quite quickly when/if desired or the energy moves me, can ascend several thousand feet in elevation or hike at extreme elevation without breathing issues, have complete flexibility with my body even though I don’t do yoga anymore, my bones are stronger than they were when I was eating in any other way (I have fractured multiple bones in the past, whereas an accident I had recently where I clearly should have had a break, hearing things crack, in fact did not happen with the way things are currently).

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  • My skin is clear and has no more issues with acne that I faced during large parts of my past.
  • My hair and nails grow excessively fast – it was only 3 years ago that my hair was buzzed close to my head like a guy, trimmed into different styles since, and now is at the middle of my lower back.
  • living a spiritually Earth-based life that I keep learning to balance more and more, as all things are an ever-evolving journey

And I know I will continue to morph, as I continue to grow along my path.

It’s constantly shifting as to what this looks and feels like for me, but this is as best as I can describe it above, for the current experience I’m having and seeing with myself.

If I wanted to change what this physical expression of myself is, I could do that at any moment, but I have no desire to change what has, and is, naturally settling into harmony inside and out.

I’m not thinking it into being…it’s a process of relearning to just “be”.

I may not look like the sleek model me at 104 pounds.

I may not look like the fitness athlete me at 115 pounds of muscle bound physique.

I may not look like the 100% raw vegan lean, light, and waif me at 105 pounds.

I am 43 and a half in Earth years, this go around.

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The present, natural me

 

I am 5’5″ and likely weigh about 125+ lbs since the last time I was weighed on a doctor’s scale with clothes on I was 128 in Utah when I had my elbow checked from a mountain biking fall I shared having with miraculously no break. That’s 20+ lbs or more of “natural” love, joy, and harmony than what I allowed as an ideal at one point. And it’s a mix of fat, muscle, soft, firm, thicker and more solid, smooth, ripply, and of course heavily tattooed since my modeling days when I only had two small tattoos – basically fully embodied and grounded.

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The present, natural me

 

 

But best and most importantly of all – I feel at peace.

 

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The present, peaceful me

 

None of the rest of the above would matter, other than sharing what has evolved as means of where the journey has taken me, as peace is my truest expression to experience even if that means for one more day, week, or 50+ more years of life on this Earth.

My body has found its “harmony zone” where I can basically do what I love most and eat anything that brings me joy within the realm of my “nature” when I listen, nurture, and support what I feel without punishment, guilt, and “ideas” or “charge” about rights and wrongs.

Simply put…it’s in it’s personal harmony zone by following “my” authentic, personal joy, which I’ve been coming to know by walking through many versions and extremes of experience.

I have no issue with sharing my age, weight, etc….as well as have no need to prove anything with sharing them either.

I know that they don’t define me, just like everything shared here doesn’t, but also I have no fear of them.

I don’t need to prove that age and weight don’t matter, just as much as I don’t need to prove that they do.

I share them just as celebration and honor of the totality of who I am right here and now with no need to withhold and no need to say, “hey look at me!”

This is a share of vulnerability.

Exposing my journey.

Exposing my body.

Exposing my dance with shadow and light.

I don’t need to be extreme on either end, but feel that my personal expression and path is about undefining things and being able to move in and out of experiences without taking a side and without need to continue being an extremist or feel a charge around anything.

I honor and am grateful for my entire journey and the energy that has played a part in who I am today that gives me an appreciation and understanding for the spectrum of realities playing out collectively as well.

This is my experience and where I feel most at home. And yet each of the places I found myself in at one time or another, served their purpose in knowing where home is for me.

While I know it may not sound like a huge shift to some people to be 20+ lbs more than I used to be, all experiences are relative and it’s not to be compared, but to be taken at the level of the experience of the individual.

It’s a huge deal, coming from a lifetime of restrictions, monitoring, and delegating to my body in one way or another, to now relax and let go into its own wisdom and comfort that has settled into where it really wants to be.

Although people may say I’m still on the spectrum of “thin,” the key I’m focusing on is how this natural zone of my own health and vitality has come to take root by honoring the core within and having no restrictive measures other than honoring what my essence truly is about, which is the same messaging from spirit of what my soul vibrates at in terms of being 100% vegan – that’s not an idea I contrive – it’s the sustenance needed for my personal frequency and vibration.

I’m my own version of “ideal” that my body wants to express itself as without manipulation. It has settled into the comfort of its own personal haven of peace and pleasure that celebrates my sacred feminine and masculine within.

I’m loving this new me.

I’m loving the ancient me coming through.

I’m loving that I still vibrate youth as well because of my constant heart connection and desire to see the beauty and magick within it all rather than attach to a “look” to strive for or that creates fear and hate around wrinkles or extra weight that is simply nature’s cycles.

Could we defy all of this and ascend into light forms?

Certainly and may do just that, but there is beauty in the process and the stages and dynamics of life that Nature mirrors to us daily. There is nothing wrong with living in the grace of this. We are in human bodies for a reason. We are physical and mirror Nature for a reason.

This “now” me is a reflection of my Middle Way that comes from having explored and deciding what feels most naturally aligned and reflective of my soul signature at this time and where I feel led to move into.

I realize and celebrate that others are not on the same path as me, but in sharing this perhaps it might provide another perspective to create your own version of reality and what you want as YOUR experience of soul in flesh.

Afterall, what we put out there, like it or not, is influencing others and sends a message you may not even realize you’re sending.

And while we all (including myself) may have the best of intentions and truly are experiencing what we in this moment feel as ideal, motivational, or proving a point or message, we might also be carrying a load of underlying messages to others that are unattainable on so many levels including that everyone has different motivators, that it’s not their energetic path as it is yours, and that create extremism in other ways that can still create issues around self worth, self hate, and feeling less than, or more.

And still, this is all perfect too, as there is purpose to the paths we are each currently on, and to what we are drawn to, what we focus on, and the growth these choices have in potential for us.

Being conscious of the full spectrum of dynamics and effects our choices and messages make, make our choices….well….more conscious. 🙂

We impact the collective with everything we do, feel, and say.

If we recognize that our journey here is about our individual self expression of our piece of the collective, we can understand that it all has its place, and the most important piece is YOURS, as the clearer you are with YOUR expression of All That Is, the clearer others will be with theirs.

We place a lot of focus on the outside (and that goes for any realm of society and communities – spiritually or physically focused – that all magnify ideals at us, which include the physical, but also every other level of experience as well).

The physical is the easiest to manipulate, and yet perhaps the inside might know exactly how to formulate the outside if we softened into listening to it.

I don’t have all the answers, and continue to explore, observe, and try to understand the energy streams out there.

But I do know that in my own exploration, the peace has only arrived now.

I have discovered that the body has its own sacred wisdom and divinity that basically knows the perfect balance that honors our essence and will always align us with what it knows as health and vitality if we listen to it, rather than dictate it from a place of dishonor and disregard to its wisdom.

Sure, that is a process and will take some time to balance out, but the more we honor its voice and the very richness of knowledge within its cells and DNA, the more we we find ourselves experiencing true well being.

What ever you do, DO IT FOR YOURSELF and know that it’s about the energy YOU are working with and working out in YOUR own life right now and it’s NOT EVERYONE’S path at this time.

That includes the one I share here of mine.

My journey is simply my expression of this that has naturally evolved, offered as another perspective in the energy stream to explore, and as celebration and honor of your divine human body and its own wisdom to guide you harmoniously.

This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to judge or change.

This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to emulate.

There is no perfect way to express any message, as the second you say or write a word, it immediately takes you out of the formless energy that has more expansive meaning than the limiting words that will either be heard differently based on someone’s personal filters and experience, be charged with any residual energy you might not be aware of operating beneath the surface, create an opposing side merely by finiting something, will feel like a personal attack to someone who’s in the middle of their own journey with strong beliefs, come across in a multitude of ways you haven’t even considered by people on all spectrums of conscious and less conscious paths, or so much more.

Anyone on the same frequency stream as you, or that your frequency stream would be supportive to as the next step on someone’s path for what ever reason, will hear through to the energy behind the words.

All I can do is share from where I am in the present moment and I’ve been willing to vulnerably put my experience and thoughts out there publicly, knowing they will not resonate with everyone, let alone any kind of majority.

One must simply be and be okay with that.

And that is a huge part of health and vitality to me….simply being me, as most naturally as possible.

Health and vitality has a new face.

It’s the face of YOUR heart in harmony with YOU.

It is wholesome well-being.

Make Nature Your Best Friend & See The Quality Of Your Life Increase


This is a great article by Florence Williams for National Geographic on the beneficial and life-changing effects of getting closer to Nature.

As I keep sharing, it simply isn’t a luxury anymore, but necessity to return to natural harmony and deepen our relationship with Nature around us, as a means to know our true Nature within.

As the article shares, “All this evidence for the benefits of nature is pouring in at a time when disconnection from it is pervasive”.

It’s amazing how little time most people spend in and around Nature and this is starting out as children who spend more time playing with electronics than spending time outdoors. Not to mention most people live in cities where there’s a larger disconnect from Nature unless you make conscious efforts to surround or immerse yourself in it, in some way in your life.

I remember spending my entire days all summer and after school, playing outdoors while I was growing up. And the rest of the time I was either drawing or reading. I remember that my parents and a couple of the friends that took care of us while my parents were away would let me choose a plant of my choice at the nursery and buy a clay pot to put it in that I then got to color with crayons or paint to decorate as my own.

People wonder how to reduce levels of stress that builds the more they fill their lives with everything but Nature. And yet one of the most powerful answers to reharmonizing, balancing, and more vibrant health and well being is right outside your window and door, and just a creative stretch of your mind away.

Any kind of quality time a little each day will make a huge difference.

Whether immersed in quiet reflection with plants and animals, caring for a plant or garden, taking a walk during your work breaks or in the evening when you return home from work, riding a bike instead of watching television, encouraging your children to venture outdoors by showing them some of the things you used to do when you were young or teaching them how to care for a plant or animal companion, taking a drive to the beach or mountains instead of sitting at your computer or going into the city….it’s not hard to do.

It’s just a choice.

Here’s the great article shared by my friend, Hillary, who like me, really knows the difference that experiencing or living in Nature makes in our lives, as she just moved to her dream ranch a few weeks ago:

This Is Your Brain On Nature

Asserting Yourself Equals Greater Balance, Well-Being, Health & Vibrancy


I was tuning in this morning to see what theme was important to support others with and again got that “being true to oneself”, “taking action on the feelings and intuitive guidance you have in support of that truth”, and “boundaries” were speaking out.

I also know that a lot of people have body image challenges and confusion around wellness “idealism” because of a lot of conditioned messages we’re bombarded by (more than you may even realize from all sources around you), which is why I reblogged and added to this older post of mine last week: True or False? I Am Perfect Just As I Am, which only but scratches the surface of some of these things.

(I went on this last weekend to having a really in-depth discussion about even more myths I started cracking that were so freeing when I brought them to light – you’d be surprised at even the seemingly “positive” conditioning that is controlling your life by some other people’s/person’s/collective idea of idealism)

Anyway, these themes all go hand-in-hand and all of them have a common thread of consistent self-assertion being important.

I then decided to go open up a couple of books I have from Shakti Gawain and Louise L. Hay to see what they may want to share on the subject for everyone and what do you know?

They had a couple of things to say on the pages I opened to that went right along with this and that were in line with one another.

So here are just a few words from Shakti and Louise to help you to begin a new dialogue with yourself, open new perspectives, trigger a shift, and inspire you into living a more authentic, healthy, balanced, and empowered life.

From Shakti Gawain:

Assert Yourself Consistently

“The most important key to creating your perfect body is learning to assert yourself consistently in your life. For example, overweight people may have a pattern of doubting themselves, of being afraid to trust their feelings and act on them. We especially need to learn how to say no to others when we don’t want to do something. Overweight people often try to please and take care of others. When our first priority is to please and take care of others, we are denying who we really are and what we really feel. When we are afraid to be true to ourselves, our bodies will always serve us by reflecting those fears, so we can become conscious of them and heal them.”

Take Action

“The key to asserting yourself is to take action on your feeling and intuition. I have seen people begin to lose weight or become physically healthier simply by doing something they’ve been afraid to do, or by expressing some feeling they’ve suppressed. By becoming more assertive, underweight people become more willing to take up space in the world. By continuing to speak and act your truth, you will dissolve blocks and find your proper weight.”

Risk Asserting Yourself

“At first the prospect of asserting yourself moment to moment can be frightening. We are not used to stating what we need and taking the action necessary to give it to ourselves. It takes a conscious effort for us to tune in to how we feel and to risk doing it. But once you start, you’ll want to keep doing it. You will have more energy and look more radiant.”

Balancing weight easily and naturally

“Once overweight people learn true assertion, they are often able to lose weight easily and naturally, without any type of deprivation. The increased energy circulating in their bodies dissolves the blocked energy and the extra weight gradually melts away. They do not need it for strength or protection so they release it effortlessly. By the same process of assertion, underweight people release their fear and are able to take in more life and more nourishment. It becomes safe for them to take up more space. If any particular food plan is needed, they will be intuitively led to an appropriate nutritional consultant and diet.”

From Louise L. Hay:

“We need to do more than just treat the symptom. We need to eliminate the cause of the dis-ease. We need to go within ourselves where the process of illness began.

Listen to your body’s messages.

The body, like everything else in life, is a mirror of your inner thoughts and beliefs. Every cell responds to every single thought you think and every word you speak. (My personal note: And might I add, and EVERYTHING that you FEEL)

Good health is having no fatigue, having a good appetite, going to sleep and awakening easily, having a good memory, having good humor, having precision in thought and action, and being honest, humble, grateful and loving. How healthy are you?

Only accept what is best for you.

Some people don’t know how to say ‘no.’ The only way they know how to say ‘no,’ is to be ill.

If I threw a hot potato at you, what would you do with it? Would you catch it? Would you hold it while it was burning your hand? Why would you even catch it? Why don’t you just step out of the way? It is possible to refuse anything, even a gift. Are you aware of that?”

My Exhale ~ Breathing In AND Out the Sweetness & Preciousness of Life With My Rabbit Companions


We are constantly being told to remember our breath and to breathe, which supports greater presence, balance, well-being, peace, and integrative flow.

Yet how many times do you catch yourself holding your breath when things get tense or stressful? Or finding joy in breathing “in” all the delicious newness you are anxious to experience, yet perhaps overlook the potency of the exhale and see it merely as part of the process to create a full breath?

I know I’ve been guilty of the first one and have worked at training myself to be present when that happens so I can move the energy through.

I find exhaling to be powerful and embodying the symbolism of release, sweet surrender, satisfaction, gratitude, and joyous pleasure. It’s not just merely the by-product of inhaling, but something that is equally potent and necessary to the whole. And when done with presence and embrace, can truly be

I was able to experience that sweet exhale this week when I was presented a challenge with my rabbit companions.

After my week away in Goshen, I returned to find both of my bunny loves, Joy and Cosmo, experiencing less than the robust health I’d left them in.

I’m highly attuned to their needs and instantly recognize when things are off with them…something you really have to be good at and committed to being present with when you have a bunny, as they are very physically fragile. Any little thing can turn into something huge if not caught immediately.

Needless to say, as soon as I noticed things I rushed them off to the nearest vet I could find open on a Saturday and Holiday weekend that knew rabbits since all the ones I knew were closed. I’d just barely walked through the door and put down my luggage before I was gathering them up in their travel bags to get them looked at.

And after that appointment it was clear to me I would be cancelling this week’s trip to care for them, as they are my priority.

Without going into detail, or venturing backwards into the past that is over, I’d rather focus on the here and now and their state of being currently.

Situations like this present a challenge to me to integrate, as I can’t allow myself to wallow in worry and sadness for their sake, so I immediately have to find a way to transmute that energy into encouraging gusto of love, nurturing, and supportive optimism when talking to them, as well as emotionally projecting. This is so because they pick up everything so so subtly and it doesn’t help them for me to get worked up, as they will take that on immediately and get worse.

So, I focused on the tasks ahead, the facts I needed to convey to the vet, and the encouragement they each needed, along with energy support to help them return to balance.

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Joy and Cosmo at the vet together on Saturday

 

I’m happy to report that they have both emerged with extremely good bills of health after several rounds of vet appointments and some tests between Saturday and Wednesday. Between the Saturday to Tuesday wait time until the Holiday was over, I just kept focused on providing them lots of supportive nurturing.

I do still have one more test to run on each, but I’m confident all is well, given how everything turned around immediately with my care and attention, and the prognosis of excellent health they have and the tests that came back so far.

The only thing that has resulted so far from the challenges is that my precious girl, Joy, is now blind in her left eye. But her eye is healthy, has great pressure and with maintenance I need to administer, it will remain so.

The vets and specialists I went to all commented on how amazingly they both are doing for their older ages, specifically commenting that Joy is simply aging gracefully with only having one blind eye, as her health is extremely good and strong in all other ways.

Must be all that Goji juice, food monitoring, Reiki energy, and love. I was grateful to receive the vets’ compliments as to my care, since having 9+ year old (and in Joy’s case – potentially 11 years old) rabbits that are in such good health despite their each having one physical disability is quite rare in what they experience with rabbits. They are not incapacitated in their vibrancy and motivation, regardless of their physical handicaps. If anything, they have turned those handicaps into gifts.

joy and cosmo mirroring

Joy and Cosmo recuperating after their appointments, mirroring and energetically supporting one another. Joy has trained him in Reiki 1 before all this went down. 🙂

 

It goes to show you that you can live a good and healthy life no matter what your condition may be, if you take care of keeping all things balanced, shifting your perspective on “limitations”, and making healthy choices in the quality of things put into the body, as well as fed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually into it.

I’m happy to share that Cosmo is back to being strong again, without the issues he had developed over the week, and Joy is embracing her new condition with grace as well.

Joy’s eye feels to be connected to things I’ve been focused on in terms of inner vision and taking that to a new level, which I’ve been talking about and looking into. I know she was being watched over, as the day I took her to the eye specialist my Hawk spirit guide was waiting on the light post to the ramp exit I needed to take to her appointment, and when I arrived back home, a Raven swooped across the front of my car as I pulled up the driveway.

While in the last appointment I took both of them to, I experienced the heavy energy of transitions, which seems to be a theme right now with all the shifts going on in big ways. So many people were there walking out of the office in tears, as their animals had been put to sleep. I had an extra long wait because they were so booked with these appointments.

And since I had explored this possibility with my two loves over the days I waited to get in on appointments, I was able to do some soul searching and find my strength that Nestor had gifted me in terms of this kind of experience.

So after allowing myself to experience these emotions, I made peace with whatever was to be, or will be in the future, knowing that of course I will have my emotional release whenever the time presents itself, but that the main thing to focus on was cherishing every single precious moment I do have with them and in life in general.

This also has been heavy on my mind for quite some time and is why I have been arriving at decisions in my life I’m making that will change the course of things and also support my belief in this being the most important thing to do. Quality of life is valuable to me and that includes being able to enjoy it and share it with those I love and doing all that brings me most joy and inner harmony.

I am quite blessed to have two amazing special needs bunnies that have much to teach me and others through their physical disabilities.

Although I cancelled this week’s trip in order to be with them, I am being gifted tenfold for that not only in quality time to be with them, but integration and nurturing time that mom needed, while remaining off of work so I could focus on them and myself some more.

My bunny loves know mom as much as she knows them. They always know what to do to get my attention and to help me to make the choices out of love, I may neglect out of responsibility for myself.

Reminds me of another special soul, Nestor, who was the Queen of that. Since they receive guidance from her, I am feeling quite loved by all three of them.

And so I’ve experienced the value and amazing power of the exhale this week, as I consciously was focused on that with each conscious breath…today being the best one yet where I felt such a deep sweetness, beauty, and all-encompassing powerful release, surrender and joy when I let go with gratitude and embrace of the moment. It actually filled me with joyous tears that choked me up and felt expansive, while my lungs were in fact deflating.

Nature Does a Body Good


nature sounds

 

And that’s JUST nature sounds…

Imagine if you actually spent time IN nature.

I love my nature time.

It’s a must in my life.

 

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