Author Archives: Tania Marie's Blog
We’ve been continuing our run of relaxation in a little peaceful haven village of Manitou Beach for what will account for just 3 nights and two and a half days of spiritual retreat. We’ve called Manitou and District Regional Park Campground our home during this stay, which is just 5 miles north of Watrous, Saskatchewan and a short walk to the unique mineral waters of Little Manitou Lake, which is believed to have healing powers. It’s a beautiful campground with an enclave of mature trees around each site and abundantly throughout (they even have small tree groves on site where they are growing more), trails to the beach, through the prairie grasslands for a loop hike, and past lots of Saskatoon berries as well as a lovely garden that is part of the grounds and restful park.
The village of Manitou Beach hosts a lot of fun things for post-treatment relaxation of its visitors including restful parks, spas, drive-in movies, mini-golf and golf, Danceland, a bird sanctuary, kayaking, and more. There’s a coop market about 5 minutes down the road into town too.
The photos shared encapsulate the essence of our time here, which was one of peaceful magick.
Although I didn’t capture the rainbow while it was clearly defined (you can see a hint of it dissipated here below in the clouds to the left), there was even a small one that appeared across the lake when we reached the top of the hill on our short hike.
And for me, it was the space that brought me back to my writing, continued synchronous reading bridging story with reality, and digging more curiously about where I’m taking my new creations and the next leg of our journey in general.
All of this was partnered with the backdrop of the Lake, which for me seemed to be the energy prompting more depth and introspection in my explorations.
There is a “Legend of the Lake of the Healing Waters” that shares the stories about Manitou Lake.
The word “Manitou” itself carries a powerful symbolism by definition, which shares that it is a supernatural force, which to the Algonquian Indians, pervades the natural world.
Manitou is the spiritual and fundamental life force understood by Algonquian groups of Native Americans. It is omnipresent and manifests everywhere: organisms, the environment, events, etc.
The Great Spirit, Aasha Monetoo, gave the land, when the world was created, to the Natives (in particular, the Shawnee).
The term was already widespread at the time of European contact. In 1585 when Thomas Harriot recorded the first glossary of an Algonquian language, Roanoke (Pamlico), he included the word mantóac, meaning “gods” (plural). Similar terms are found in nearly all of the Algonquian languages.
In some Algonquian traditions, the term gitche manitou is used to refer to a “great spirit” or supreme being.
In the shamanistic traditions, the manitous (or manidoog or manidoowag) are connected to achieve a desired effect, like plant manitous for healing or the buffalo manitou for a good hunt. In the Anishinaabeg tradition, manidoowag are one aspect of the Great Connection. Related terms used by the Anishinaabeg are manidoowish for small animal manidoowag and manidoons for insects; both terms mean “little spirit”. In some Algonquian languages such as Iynu (Montagnais) the word manituw refers to underwater creatures to whom hunters offered tobacco in order to appease them when traveling through their territories.
The name of the Canadian province of Manitoba, named after Lake Manitoba in the province, derives from the place name manitou-wapow, “strait of the Manitou” in Cree or Ojibwe, referring to the strange sound of waves crashing against rocks near The Narrows of the lake. In Manitoba there are the petroforms of Whiteshell Provincial Park, and the Anishinabe Midewiwin refer to an area there as Manitou Ahbee. The petroforms are symbols made with rocks, and they serve as reminders of the instructions that have been given to the Anishinabe by the Creator. The Midewiwin, or Grand Medicine Society, are dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge. To them, the area containing the petroforms is Manito Ahbee, the place where God sits. It is the site where the original Anishinabe was lowered from the sky to the ground by the Creator.
Manitou Island means “spirit island”. This island is considered very important to the Ojibway, or Anishinaabe, with many sacred sites and sounding rocks. There is still a high population of native peoples on the island today.
The Fox Indians believed that the manitou dwelled in the stones of the sweat lodge. On heating the stove, the heat of the fire made manitou to come out from its place in the stones. Then it proceeds out of the stones when water is sprinkled on them. It comes out in the steam and enters the body. It moves all over inside the body, driving out everything that inflicts pain. Before the manitou returns to the stone, it imparts some of its nature to the body. That is why one feels so well after having been in the sweat lodge.
I find it again synchronous that the book series I’ve been reading of shamanic and medicine traditions have largely been based in Manitoba and are connected through the First Nations people there. No coincidences.🙂
I’ll leave you with this story as shared in the Watrous Manitou Visitors Guide we were presented upon arrival to our campsite:
Long before white settlers emigrated to Canada and the western territories, Saskatchewan was designated as part of the Great Plains of western Canada. A variety of Canadian First Nations tribes traveled throughout the land, utilizing the available resources for their survival while still respecting the land from which it came.
The arrival of the European settlers impacted the tribes in a variety of ways. One of the most devastating effects settlers had upon the First Nations people was the introduction of foreign diseases such as small pox. The Cree people who populated the land area known as Saskatchewan were exposed to small pox and suffered devastating losses. When traditional medicines and remedies proved ineffective against this new disease, the Cree did the only thing they believed they could, move away from the site of death and destruction.
According to legend, some young braves fell ill during their tribe’s move. Fortunately the tribe’s choice of camp was in the vicinity of what is now known as Manitou Lake. The braves were too weak to continue the journey so the tribe built a shelter for them before continuing their journey. It is said the afflicted braves were overcome with fever and thirst and crawled their way to the lakeshore where they slaked their thirst and immersed themselves in the cool water. Spent from their efforts, it is said they remained on the beach overnight. In the morning, the braves experienced some relief from their symptoms. The braves attributed the respite to the water and remained on site, consuming and immersing themselves into the liquid medicine. Within days of their arrival at the lake, the braves regained their previous state of healthfulness and continued on their tribe’s journey. Upon reuniting with their tribe, tribe members were astounded by the braves’ seemingly miraculous return to health.
So was born the legend of the healing waters of Manitou Lake. Medicine men named the lake Manitou in reference to the Great Spirit, which is the equivalent of God. As the legend of the lake with healing powers spread via word of mouth, First Nations tribes later followed b the settlers ad then visitors from all parts of the world, traveled to the Lake of the Healing Waters to experience relief from a number of maladies. An entire industry of healing and therapeutic products sprang up from the lake resources, an industry that is still strong and vibrant today in the new millenium. How effective the healing waters are can only be determined through first-hand experience. Experience the Legend of Manitou for yourself!
As I sit here getting back to my own “storytelling” this post came to mind from two years ago to reshare. Today seems to be a day of reblogs. I hope these two short messages I’ve shared today may speak to some small part of you. In love and creative magick!
I feel that all of you creative visionaries channel from a place that exists between worlds (time out of time) and when you tune in to that frequency, you receive a clear broadcasting of Source’s creative expression, which reveals the all-encompassing beauty, wisdom and mystery of All That Is through You.
You each have a unique role in the collective story being woven.
The only thing for you to do is to embrace your unique cosmic role as channel for your thread.
The idea of being “tested” keeps you in victim mode. The experience of shifting your frequency is an empowering choice of action that turns the searching and proving into a return of being. Here’s a short reblog on this theme.
The difficulty and challenge seems to always lie in the finding of a hidden place, thing, or part of yourself, wherein lies the test.
Once you are a vibrational match and the alignment is activated into the embrace of being, this acceptance constitutes your no longer having need for testing.
Then, the return is simple.
Simply and with all of your heart….DREAM! Then do it! Here’s a short little reblog from two years ago to infuse inspiration to what you’re contemplating right now.
The “Dream” theme continues to be a guiding force right now and this little message felt important to share:
Nothing happens without a dream…people are afraid to speak their dream/s out loud, worried about disappointment, failure, ridicule, or perhaps even believe they aren’t worthy of having any, or that they even are entitled to it.
YOU are a creative being by virtue of your existence and the only thing that dictates your worthiness is YOURSELF.
Today, spend some time tuning in to your heart and ask yourself what dream you would like to create. It doesn’t have to be huge and it doesn’t have to be the end-with-all final result of life – there isn’t any such thing.
Just start off with something small and allow it to evolve.
Gift yourself the ability to freely imagine and then anything you want, just do it.
Life will conspire to align with…
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Our last two stops have just been for a day and a half each, as we quickly make our way back south to be in the States again at end of the month – more on that upcoming. Sometimes even just a quick touch in can provide exactly what you need and lately I’ve been more focused on simply the present energy space the quick stop-ins create, as I know I’m seeing, receiving, integrating, and experiencing exactly what I need while passing through.
We’re off to Watrous today after our short time in Saskatoon – still in Saskatchewan – and rain has continued to walk with us, providing a thorough cleansing throughout much of our time of recent months. Although today the sun is shining and I’m feeling another layer to the new slate washed away into greater lightness of experience.
I don’t want to downplay any area we touch in with, as each place upon the Earth has its value and sacredness, just as each of us do.
So while we didn’t get a huge taste of Saskatoon, we were led to some peaceful and yummy finds worth sharing, as part of the reason behind these shares is to also simply provide information to other travelers, including fellow vegan friends and nomads, some info on what’s available.
While in Saskatoon we found two vegan friendly restaurants, which we visited in the same day.
One was “The Karma” where I enjoyed their delicious “Reconstructed Maki” dish that tasted just like vegan sushi in a bowl.
A yummy tummy satisfyer for a Pisces and in line with the “karma” theme, good city parking karma was on our side as a car pulled out directly in front when we pulled up. Yay!
After lunch we then decided to take a walk in Cosmopolitan Park on the Meewasin River Walk Trail that hugged the river, provided a view of the city, meandered through lovely tunnels of trees, journeyed under bridges, and offered us a stroll through the sculpture garden.
After, since our lunch was quite light, we decided to peek in on “The Griffin” where we found a variety of vegan desserts and baked goods asking to be sampled.😉
And as usual, this is what happens when we hit cities with vegan finds to explore.
Yep, we ended up taking home an apple spice cake, caramel almond shortbread cake, and peanut butter brownie cake.
We had already eaten the chocolate chip cookie on the way home, which was deliciously thick and soft – my favorite kind! So, unfortunately can’t share it except to say I loved it!
Then after dinner at home, we made a sample plate for each of us to try a small bite of each goody. Yum!
Good karma, sweetness, and peace made for a swimmingly short, but enjoyable experience mirroring a continuing theme of restful integration.
It’s hard to believe this was once me and this share will be revealing in terms of things and photos from my life experiences that unveil more pieces of my journey. I’ve lived a very diverse life at both extremes of the spectrum, exploring the dark, the light, the in between….I’ve immersed myself in society’s illusions, spiritual deceptions, and walked in the shoes of being part of the bombardment of messages that are sold to us daily – all to know myself, to know these dynamics, to understand their energy and purpose, and to be able to see that I am all of these and none of these…that I can choose my own reality that now more purely reflects this transmutation I’m coming to experience more and more of, daily.
It’s an ever-flowing evolution of creative execution requiring constant, increasingly conscious presence to hear the voice within.
One of the most visual and tangibly easy ways to share this evolution is through the physical body – my body – the epitome of our divinity that has been abused, mutilated, manipulated by force, neglected, made to feel less than, evil, dirty, and simply hated and made to feel like a punishment for being born as a human in female or male form.
You may not know that at one time I used to:
- drink and in fact used to be an event and convention model for beer, tequila, and rum
- I used to eat meat and dairy, wore leather, and modeled it for promotion to female consumers
- modeled and basically sold sex through scantily clad, “just” covered birthday suit, and lingerie photos in campaigns and fashion shows
- promoted accepted idealism of beauty and physical fitness through exposure of my body and image spending hours in make up and hair chairs for photo shoots
- was a model in an exercise video and promotional photo shoot for it
- modeled for caricatures made of me that were featured as the main character in a zombie comic book series where I was a female military leader combating the zombies and then became one (I do have these comic books, but they are in storage so unable to share at this time)
- modeled and promo modeled for other companies that included sunglasses, California apparel, lingerie, car shows, bars and alcohol based events, upcoming L.A. fashion designers’ shows, California Mart, etc.
- went on rigorous auditions for product commercials I had no connection with and reality dating show call-backs where my essence and personal integrity ultimately made me a mismatch vibrationally and finally not chosen in the end because of that
- filmed public access channel spots that were odd to say the least under the tutelage of a past life abuser that showed up for closure to be rectified
- stayed conscious of every little pound to ensure the right weight for the camera – knowing the difference between 104 and 105 pounds quite intimately
- at one time was a gym extremist monitoring everything that went into my body spending 3 hours a day 5+ days a week working out and exhibiting a fitness model body at 13-14% body fat (that’s the low end of average female athletes)
- evolved into a pescatarian for a while, a vegetarian, and then extreme vegan raw foodist for 2 years
- and when in my teens, like so many today, was drawn in by images in magazines that I idealized and yearned to emulate and look the same as
All of this is of course being my own choice along my path to choose to experience and emulate what I saw all around me in varying forms and through various modes of marketed “ideals” being advertised and being accepted and manipulated into multiple versions of these “ideals” by different channels of the collective that I tuned into. And later, that included even “ideals” in the spiritual/new age community.
I’m sharing some photos (ones I could easily find) from my modeling (above), one from when I was a raw foodist, and a few of me currently, in order to reflect what I’m sharing and the actualization of it.
I wish I had photos from my extreme gym days, as that would really present a contrast, but for some reason I never took photos then, which seems interesting given I was obviously very physically focused in manipulating my body during that time.
I’m sharing several, as I want to share this side of me that people would not associate with me so that you can really get the “picture” of my journey I’m trying to convey.
These fitness photos you see are from my modeling days (post gym days, which were 8- 10 years earlier) when I did an exercise video and photo shoot promotion for it, which I mentioned above.
And although I never became addicted to alcohol, never once touched a cigarette, drug, or any form of altering substance outside of alcohol, never had an eating disorder, nor got sucked into anything truly harmful, I still had an unhealthy lack of self worth, body dysmorphic perception which plagues a large majority of the population to some degree or another, used extremes to make up for energies I had neglected, and immersed in the illusion and numbness that while I thought was to help my body, I feel was still not really actually listening to it.
I was listening to ideas in my mind that weren’t taking into account what my body truly desired, but instead were aligning with what the industry was promoting and women were idealizing. Although everything is always perfect and valuable in its experience, there was in fact a reason energetically for every choice that my body would patiently accompany me on to work out the journey I personally needed to experience.
I am grateful for the fact that some part of me always had this lifeline to my purity of frequency that although was muddled and at times pushed aside to listen to other voices I chose to play out on the experiential scene, it was always there to reel me back in, keep control of things, and aided some level of discernment, even if tiny.
Without that I may have developed major challenges, addictions, or worse. But it also kept me aware of not only what I was continuing to subject myself to, that runs through the history of our DNA as a collective, but what I was reflecting to others in message and continuing to support through that.
I was also grateful that my modeling didn’t take place until I was between 29 and 31, as I was able to walk in that world by appearing young, but bringing along with me some of the consciousness, wisdom, and strength I’d managed to work on in the years before.
Not to mention, I got into it for fun and made it a thing of fun, wondering if, at my older age and at my shorter height than the industry standard, I could enter in and try on these collective roles for a while.
It was not my life or life line. There was no desperation involved.
I merely wanted to experience this realm that I’d been enamored with like many others, from a place of immersion for sake of knowing that energy from experience, and for observation.
I received much in doing so, which included some beautiful experiences of creative self expression, confidence and working through some layers of my shyness, my enjoyment of morphing into different me’s, exploring my shadow literally, working through deep seeded beliefs and conditioning around the body and being a female, stepping into the unempowered AND empowered woman simultaneously, and experiencing vulnerability.
I also got to see and experience firsthand this side of the coin and the underlying currents there, including a continuing disregard for body honoring in ways that lifted the female and male counterparts into their strengths, but rather fed off of the weaknesses instilled over ages of forgetting.
And although I had much, much to learn still, my small lifelines were enough to keep me above water and I think was also the saving grace of my pulling out when I did, right before things could have gone a different course if I’d chosen.
I share this background to express that I have walked in different worlds and I do know from experience what these things are like and have been exposed to much along the way.
When I share this, it’s not coming from someone who doesn’t get it, nor from jealousy because I haven’t been there and wish I was something other than myself in looks or otherwise, or even from a place of out right judgment, as I do really get the perfection of all expressions of energy, dynamics, why they are there, and why individuals feel called to different paths in their life to mirror things they are wanting to learn or simply experience as a soul in physical form, not to mention the collective reflection and expression all of these energies play a part in for us all.
What I share is my personal experience having immersed in much that goes beyond the realm of what this post is about, and what for me, personally, it’s led to as to the reality I experience and create now of my choosing – in this case relating to my body and the relationship I have with it now and my health.
It might perhaps have something that resonates in it for who ever is drawn to find this post and read it. And if not, I’ve put it out there energetically as my contribution to the collective energy pool.
Again, I’d like to reiterate that I do see the purpose in all of this and the things I chose, I came to realize the dynamics of while involved in them and yet still felt compelled to follow it through for purposes of living in these shadow aspects of myself while keeping that lifeline to the core of me. That’s not to mean I was aware of every little thing playing out, but I was aware of this underlying pull to see it through for a reason I couldn’t explain to others and even to myself. And where I allowed unconscious acts to fold in, they were the acts chosen as necessary to my evolution.
I’m so grateful for all of it, as truly, even though I went through some crazy and challenging stuff, my life is richer and I’ve come to know myself quite intimately inside and out of the dark and the light.
In dancing with each, I feel we then can create true alchemy.
That has been the case for many things I went through…and although could have chosen otherwise, I chose to live these things out because for me, that was the way to transmute them and how I evolved the most – by living the experience.
Some more facts about me:
When I was younger, I appeared older and more mature.
When I got older, I appeared younger.
I used to wear revealing clothing when younger and never left home without makeup and looking a certain way – while I am an artist and some of this satisfies my need to be creative and morphing, it also was extreme in living as a certain image I felt I needed to portray, a face or mask I hid behind, or an energy I had out of control within my experience.
I used to own a scale and monitored each pound, which was easy with a strongly placed Capricorn ascendant and Mars in Capricorn in my first house to discipline, control, and shift my outer body’s structure without ever having to become bulimic or anorexic. It was simply mind over matter.
I used to have a personal trainer and wrote down everything I ate, while we monitored my body fat and muscle shifts, measuring everything and doing what the body didn’t want because the mind willed it into tight muscley rigid, command.
Later I went to the extreme of inhaling every superfood, holistic supplementation, doing every cleanse, juicing, and colonic on continual intervals to rewire myself, hiring a personal raw food chef, purchasing raw food books, and adamantly refusing anything that wasn’t raw vegan. I was fanatical in a new extreme way. I went to Bikram yoga and sweated out the “toxins” and immersed heavily into a new version of health and body consciousness that I was surrounded by.
And somewhere in between my extremes, I indulged in so-called “fine” foods and drinking to just drink and do like the others around me. I could hold more alcohol than most people if I wanted and yet still never had any affinity to it, no addiction, nor even really liked most any of it. It was an idea and I could morph into that to assume the experience.
And within each experience and time period of my life I wore clothing that “fit” each of these images I was swimming in.
I’ve lived in the extremes. And I never found or experienced true self love and peace in any of them.
And having immersed in these extremes of realities with focus on different versions of dictating the physical body, which are received in messages from varying camps of thought and then executed by my choice to join them, it had an affect on detaching from honoring the sacred wisdom my body had all on its own, which knows what it wants and how that looks and feels, which isn’t about getting caught in any small or large stream of information and messaging that is being offered by that which is outside the cellular and DNA wisdom within.
In some way or another, although all of these messages are provided with intent to help in their own way, it all still felt to me to be limited, restrictive, and obsessively addictive….to be a way to keep me in subconscious dislike of myself and the physical body’s divine partnership with spirit that is ever-flowing.
The me now:
I no longer strive to be a chiseled woman – my version of dancing in the male energy I yearned to strengthen.
I no longer strive to have a yoga body – my version of dancing in the female energy I then needed to strengthen in direct respect.
I honor each of these and their male and female energetic purposes and value, and yet I’ve been led to find a different way most resonant to the balance and integration I seek. One that honors both my sacred male and female in honoring each’s wisdom and embodying this as an emanating quality where my body relaxes into the expression of each in ways I would not have reasoned out with my mind, but it comes through in listening and supporting action of their wisdom alone.
I now listen to the new male and female within that are learning to recreate themselves in core ways.
What that looks like is not an ultimate end goal result, but an ever-evolving one, day-to-day.
This is not to say that either the extreme chiseled or extreme yoga woman me was wrong in any way, but they truly aren’t me at the core. They may be what others feel is their essence or one might find their own mix of some of each combined with a whole gamut of other versions…like an athlete, dancer, gymnast, etc. too.
We each have a different energy signature and individual expression of All That Is to play out….and for some that will shift along the way, as we uncover the layers to our trueness.
I know that when I was a child it was all about dancing and being a ballerina, which goes along with the Faery me, no doubt. And I continued dancing into adulthood at clubs – even considered at one time being a go-go dancer🙂 and later took salsa lessons. The dancer would definitely be me, but not in any professional way that would involve rigid discipline and competition, as that doesn’t feed my soul personally.
I dance for the sake of my soul being on fire with passion flowing through me and that might just be in private, or whenever the moment moves me.
This is the difference, for me, with any of these things, as there is a yearning to just flow now, which is what going through my rolfing sessions reiterated to me, which I did in the years later after the gym.
Rolfing helped me to undo and release layers of the old memories and core emotions that were held in my muscles so tightly and to be more of that free dancer, returning my body to its elongated flow and flexibility I resonated with. I’ve even considered doing that again, as I loved what took place in that process of return, which may be potent at this point. Who knows what I might be led to. I’ll listen to my body, though, that’s for sure.
I’ve now melted into my own version of natural, which my body is guiding me toward.
My “diet” of body, mind, heart, and soul is a “nature diet” honoring the “nature of me” and following my soul’s joy, which then my mind supports the actions shared by my body’s rhythms of flowing intelligence.
This to me being a partnership of sacred male and female honoring one another.
And now I have chosen my balance – a balance that most resonates with my soul frequency, the embodiment I choose to inhabit, and the celebration of my nature and inner harmony that continues to find the comfort, self value, and true self love that isn’t about any of this, but about listening to the energy moving through me, who I really am, and what I am really here to experience, embody, and reflect.
Now I just am what I am, melting into all that I’ve processed through these experiences and come to create as my own new reality that isn’t about trying to portray something that has been force fed to me by any realm – media, society, the spiritual community, the health enthusiasts, doctors, “experts”, and even the do-gooders that want to share their revelations they feel others should follow to receive equal happiness and health.
I know what it feels like when we discover things that create such amazing shifts in our lives….there’s excitement to shout it out to the world, as we do have a connection and love shared collectively and there’s this innate feeling to want to be supportive.
And so I still walk that line of feeling challenged on what to express and how to express it, especially knowing that what I say and put out there has its own effects. Sometimes this experience is one of learning out loud in the process of sharing it, from the current place I’m at, how that feels, and readjusting and tweaking things for the future.
I’m a work in progress and have chosen to make that public and be vulnerable about it. That’s my way of being personally accountable. That’s part of my purpose.
But I’ve settled into the same place with this expression, as I have with my own health, vitality, body, weight, physical appearance, etc. – to just be me in the fullest way I know possible, embodying my truth, and the beliefs I hold important enough to walk in the shoes of.
This is what I’m experiencing in terms of my now physicality and health that has come to be reflected, as this is what I’m focusing on for this share:
- looking more integrated, I suppose
- a mixture of innocent and ancient
- having both dark and light
- celebrating my silver hairs that are growing in, even creating an Elvira Faery stripe and letting them adorn my crown with grace as a mirror of the depth of who I am and what I’ve been through
- getting rid of the scale and happily wearing larger sizes
- loving the round curves, the extra Earthy weight, embracing both my fat and muscles and enjoying the softness of my real femininity
- wearing makeup only when I want to express a different creative feminine part of myself or have Faery fun, but am completely at home 90% of the time without
- only being drawn to natural forms of exercise that take me into nature like hiking, biking, and kayaking, yet only with the goal of enjoying and connecting with Earth’s gifts – I never see it as a means to an end in terms of exercise for weight control or to make up for something I ate – and yet I’m still physically fit with a natural balance of fat and muscle
- wearing clothes that mirror how I feel and my unique creative expression alone, which is why I wear skirts and dresses hiking, for example – because it’s more comfortable and me
- being 100% vegan, but muddying up my diet to eat what ever I choose and enjoying things in moderation that my body determines alone and not my mind, not monitoring everything I eat or feeling guilty or like I need to make up for something and not depriving myself. I basically eat what I want – cooked or raw, but pretty much solidly cooked at this point, as that is what resonates for my path right now and my physical needs, along with what I want to manifest – all within my vegan lifestyle choice that matches my soul’s essence and mirrors the expression of my spirit in physical form.
- I don’t drink and haven’t for the last 11 years.
- I am physically fit in terms of my ability to do the things I love, which include hiking and biking several miles pretty much daily (we do anywhere from 2 – 10 miles depending on the trail that calls) and quite quickly when/if desired or the energy moves me, can ascend several thousand feet in elevation or hike at extreme elevation without breathing issues, have complete flexibility with my body even though I don’t do yoga anymore, my bones are stronger than they were when I was eating in any other way (I have fractured multiple bones in the past, whereas an accident I had recently where I clearly should have had a break, hearing things crack, in fact did not happen with the way things are currently).
- My skin is clear and has no more issues with acne that I faced during large parts of my past.
- My hair and nails grow excessively fast – it was only 3 years ago that my hair was buzzed close to my head like a guy, trimmed into different styles since, and now is at the middle of my lower back.
- living a spiritually Earth-based life that I keep learning to balance more and more, as all things are an ever-evolving journey
And I know I will continue to morph, as I continue to grow along my path.
It’s constantly shifting as to what this looks and feels like for me, but this is as best as I can describe it above, for the current experience I’m having and seeing with myself.
If I wanted to change what this physical expression of myself is, I could do that at any moment, but I have no desire to change what has, and is, naturally settling into harmony inside and out.
I’m not thinking it into being…it’s a process of relearning to just “be”.
I may not look like the sleek model me at 104 pounds.
I may not look like the fitness athlete me at 115 pounds of muscle bound physique.
I may not look like the 100% raw vegan lean, light, and waif me at 105 pounds.
I am 43 and a half in Earth years, this go around.
I am 5’5″ and likely weigh about 125+ lbs since the last time I was weighed on a doctor’s scale with clothes on I was 128 in Utah when I had my elbow checked from a mountain biking fall I shared having with miraculously no break. That’s 20+ lbs or more of “natural” love, joy, and harmony than what I allowed as an ideal at one point. And it’s a mix of fat, muscle, soft, firm, thicker and more solid, smooth, ripply, and of course heavily tattooed since my modeling days when I only had two small tattoos – basically fully embodied and grounded.
But best and most importantly of all – I feel at peace.
None of the rest of the above would matter, other than sharing what has evolved as means of where the journey has taken me, as peace is my truest expression to experience even if that means for one more day, week, or 50+ more years of life on this Earth.
My body has found its “harmony zone” where I can basically do what I love most and eat anything that brings me joy within the realm of my “nature” when I listen, nurture, and support what I feel without punishment, guilt, and “ideas” or “charge” about rights and wrongs.
Simply put…it’s in it’s personal harmony zone by following “my” authentic, personal joy, which I’ve been coming to know by walking through many versions and extremes of experience.
I have no issue with sharing my age, weight, etc….as well as have no need to prove anything with sharing them either.
I know that they don’t define me, just like everything shared here doesn’t, but also I have no fear of them.
I don’t need to prove that age and weight don’t matter, just as much as I don’t need to prove that they do.
I share them just as celebration and honor of the totality of who I am right here and now with no need to withhold and no need to say, “hey look at me!”
This is a share of vulnerability.
Exposing my journey.
Exposing my body.
Exposing my dance with shadow and light.
I don’t need to be extreme on either end, but feel that my personal expression and path is about undefining things and being able to move in and out of experiences without taking a side and without need to continue being an extremist or feel a charge around anything.
I honor and am grateful for my entire journey and the energy that has played a part in who I am today that gives me an appreciation and understanding for the spectrum of realities playing out collectively as well.
This is my experience and where I feel most at home. And yet each of the places I found myself in at one time or another, served their purpose in knowing where home is for me.
While I know it may not sound like a huge shift to some people to be 20+ lbs more than I used to be, all experiences are relative and it’s not to be compared, but to be taken at the level of the experience of the individual.
It’s a huge deal, coming from a lifetime of restrictions, monitoring, and delegating to my body in one way or another, to now relax and let go into its own wisdom and comfort that has settled into where it really wants to be.
Although people may say I’m still on the spectrum of “thin,” the key I’m focusing on is how this natural zone of my own health and vitality has come to take root by honoring the core within and having no restrictive measures other than honoring what my essence truly is about, which is the same messaging from spirit of what my soul vibrates at in terms of being 100% vegan – that’s not an idea I contrive – it’s the sustenance needed for my personal frequency and vibration.
I’m my own version of “ideal” that my body wants to express itself as without manipulation. It has settled into the comfort of its own personal haven of peace and pleasure that celebrates my sacred feminine and masculine within.
I’m loving this new me.
I’m loving the ancient me coming through.
I’m loving that I still vibrate youth as well because of my constant heart connection and desire to see the beauty and magick within it all rather than attach to a “look” to strive for or that creates fear and hate around wrinkles or extra weight that is simply nature’s cycles.
Could we defy all of this and ascend into light forms?
Certainly and may do just that, but there is beauty in the process and the stages and dynamics of life that Nature mirrors to us daily. There is nothing wrong with living in the grace of this. We are in human bodies for a reason. We are physical and mirror Nature for a reason.
This “now” me is a reflection of my Middle Way that comes from having explored and deciding what feels most naturally aligned and reflective of my soul signature at this time and where I feel led to move into.
I realize and celebrate that others are not on the same path as me, but in sharing this perhaps it might provide another perspective to create your own version of reality and what you want as YOUR experience of soul in flesh.
Afterall, what we put out there, like it or not, is influencing others and sends a message you may not even realize you’re sending.
And while we all (including myself) may have the best of intentions and truly are experiencing what we in this moment feel as ideal, motivational, or proving a point or message, we might also be carrying a load of underlying messages to others that are unattainable on so many levels including that everyone has different motivators, that it’s not their energetic path as it is yours, and that create extremism in other ways that can still create issues around self worth, self hate, and feeling less than, or more.
And still, this is all perfect too, as there is purpose to the paths we are each currently on, and to what we are drawn to, what we focus on, and the growth these choices have in potential for us.
Being conscious of the full spectrum of dynamics and effects our choices and messages make, make our choices….well….more conscious.🙂
We impact the collective with everything we do, feel, and say.
If we recognize that our journey here is about our individual self expression of our piece of the collective, we can understand that it all has its place, and the most important piece is YOURS, as the clearer you are with YOUR expression of All That Is, the clearer others will be with theirs.
We place a lot of focus on the outside (and that goes for any realm of society and communities – spiritually or physically focused – that all magnify ideals at us, which include the physical, but also every other level of experience as well).
The physical is the easiest to manipulate, and yet perhaps the inside might know exactly how to formulate the outside if we softened into listening to it.
I don’t have all the answers, and continue to explore, observe, and try to understand the energy streams out there.
But I do know that in my own exploration, the peace has only arrived now.
I have discovered that the body has its own sacred wisdom and divinity that basically knows the perfect balance that honors our essence and will always align us with what it knows as health and vitality if we listen to it, rather than dictate it from a place of dishonor and disregard to its wisdom.
Sure, that is a process and will take some time to balance out, but the more we honor its voice and the very richness of knowledge within its cells and DNA, the more we we find ourselves experiencing true well being.
What ever you do, DO IT FOR YOURSELF and know that it’s about the energy YOU are working with and working out in YOUR own life right now and it’s NOT EVERYONE’S path at this time.
That includes the one I share here of mine.
My journey is simply my expression of this that has naturally evolved, offered as another perspective in the energy stream to explore, and as celebration and honor of your divine human body and its own wisdom to guide you harmoniously.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to judge or change.
This may release that charge every time you meet or see someone you feel instantly compelled to emulate.
There is no perfect way to express any message, as the second you say or write a word, it immediately takes you out of the formless energy that has more expansive meaning than the limiting words that will either be heard differently based on someone’s personal filters and experience, be charged with any residual energy you might not be aware of operating beneath the surface, create an opposing side merely by finiting something, will feel like a personal attack to someone who’s in the middle of their own journey with strong beliefs, come across in a multitude of ways you haven’t even considered by people on all spectrums of conscious and less conscious paths, or so much more.
Anyone on the same frequency stream as you, or that your frequency stream would be supportive to as the next step on someone’s path for what ever reason, will hear through to the energy behind the words.
All I can do is share from where I am in the present moment and I’ve been willing to vulnerably put my experience and thoughts out there publicly, knowing they will not resonate with everyone, let alone any kind of majority.
One must simply be and be okay with that.
And that is a huge part of health and vitality to me….simply being me, as most naturally as possible.
Health and vitality has a new face.
It’s the face of YOUR heart in harmony with YOU.
It is wholesome well-being.
Rest, city errands, cleaning out my closet, finalizing things, and cleansing rains upon completion of it all were the themes of the day and a half stop over in Lloydminster, Saskatchewan. We had a completely private little haven camp site surrounded by trees and lawn making it a perfect sanctuary for all of this, but it was Blue Jay who was the highlight. Since we didn’t venture out except for errands and a late linner upon arrival, his coming to me was definitely noted for a message of presence, wise and balanced use of personal power, resourceful adaptability for ease,.creative self expression and assertion, and bringing higher thoughts into action.
He sat in the tree next to my window, moving from branch to branch incessantly talking away to get my attention and peering into the window. His voice shifted into varying degrees of communication, but he was definitely on a mission and the message was coming from a deep, powerful place within him, despite his size. He was confident and assertive, but also soft and majestic.
His beautiful blue immediately connects me to the power of the throat chakra and its symbolism of creative self expression, sound and song, and having something to communicate that is unique to my voice. He seems to be saying “get to it!” with his loud expressions that went on for about 10 minutes, as he leaned forward toward the window.
Of course synchronously I’ve been aching to get back to my focuses that indeed utilize my gift of creative expression and communicating through my individual works in process. Where I had reservation on clarity of the messages and my ability to communicate them before, there is no need now and I have felt a readiness and timeliness.
Blue Jay comes to share it is time to embrace, develop, and apply your gifts to their fullest. You cannot afford to neglect them. And when bringing higher thoughts into action, unlimited potentials await you.
There’s no need to seek or call attention to anything, only a need to respond to what’s before you and to the world.
Blue Jay reminds us to sink into the comfort of ourselves where ever we are. To assert our personal truth and authenticity, and to communicate what feels to express that in any given moment.
This bringing to mind personal boundaries and undoing any repressive tendencies we have.
Blue Jay seems to own her/his space and knows how to focus and call the shots in her/his life of when, where, how, and with whom and what to use their energy.
They bring a message of embracing life to the fullest no matter where you are and engaging in that which you love at all times.
They shine a light of brightness to any situation and can see you through the darkness as well, bringing to light the shadow in which you can utilize to create greater potency with the gifts you bring forth.
Blue Jay embodies a presence of knowing her/his gifts, but knowing is not enough. They know the importance of cultivating them and bringing them forth with wise use of discernment.
Their appearance seems to call you forth into this realization and knowing that the time is here where all that you’ve learned so far is ready for the next evolution of expression with great clarity and vibrancy.
I did some researching into Blue Jay and found that the word “jay” come from the Latin word “Gaea” meaning Mother Earth. And since they are aviary brothers and sisters, with a crest that reaches into the heavens, they directly link us with both Earth and Universal/Cosmic energies, bridging them for integration and active expression of divinity brought into embodiment.
I also found that in Native symbolism their gorgeous blue that mirrors the sky is said to indicate a double vision or double clarity that symbolizes their/your ability to express the purity and truth of your heart and soul and to have great clarity of thought when bringing that forth to share with others.
I loved that my beautiful Blue Jay friend appeared at this time and that he spent time preening himself and exposing his soft under feathers inbetween his communicating with me.
To me this spoke to knowing one’s self worth, that what you have to share is of value, that self nurturing is important, and the tenderness of this act toward self is a reminder that the way we bring forth our personal power can have a soft, gentle essence at the core of the clarified, strength of expression.
Three simple principles that speak to the heart of things.
Embodying these I believe are foundations for creating the new.
Reposting this, as much has come full circle in the last few weeks: